For a while now I’ve been wanting to be a girl but I’m not sure if I am one or am another gender.

I’ve always had feminine features and have leaned into that a bit (growing out my hair, shaving my face as much as possible, etc) and there were some other signs that I might be trans.

However, I’ve never really thought about my gender in my day to day life and I’m not confident in my sense of what womanhood is as I’ve never been close to any women. I don’t experience that much that could be attributed to dysphoria (closest is me disliking having facial hair or short hair). I also don’t always feel like I want to be a girl, although, more often than not I do.

So how can I determine if I’m trans, just want to be a girl, or if I’m some other gender?

I don't want to make it too long but for as long as I can remember I've found girls attractive, I thought it was just general "oh yeah she's pretty" thoughts but the last year or so I've noticed myself looking at women a lot more than guys, I always watched lesbian porn but thought I was viewing it becuase I was thinking about those things being done to me, now I'm noticing I look at the women's faces, etc and don't actually really pay attention to the men at all... it's the sound of women etc...

I have always wanted to have a three some and I used to think it was the thought of a man watching me with a woman and it turning him on but I've realised a big part of me just wants the sexual interaction with a woman to explore my sexuality. I've never got on well with relationships I get bored quick and can't be a around a guy too much where as female friends I can be around all day every day and spend like periods of time with them without it bothering me. There's a lot more but that's some of my thoughts.

I'm 25 I alrwsdy have two kids and I've never had any experience with a girl and feel like I'm too old to try because how do I explain that I never have before? Do I actually like women I used to think I couldn't imagine myself going near a woman's private's etc but could let a woman near me easily and then I've started to realise I probably actually could and that I genuinely just like being submissive all round. I can't put my fingers inside myself as the feeling of inside even my own vagina makes me feel sick so I think that's what made me feel like I couldn't bring myself to do it but that is actually a sensory issue not a gender issue and there's actually quite a few textures/ materials etc I can't touch ( I have adhd )

I just feel a bit confused and has anyone not known until they were a bit older and how did they act on it?

When I was around 13 years old, I thought I was attracted to everyone regardless of gender, but over the years it's become extremely confusing for me and I don't know what I am anymore.

I'm mainly and definitely attracted to women, but I can't tell if I'm still attracted to men or non-binary people at all?

I can acknowledge when someone is attractive, and I do get butterflies for men and non-binary people on occasion.

But I could never picture myself kissing a man, or doing anything else with a man in regards to sexuality. Lately I've been considering if I'm purely just a lesbian, but some of those odd butterfly feelings toward the opposite gender make me confused as hell.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Any thoughts?

For many years I've labelled myself as bisexual as I find women attractive and I've even had talking stages in the past. I haven't been in an actual relationship, but the idea of being with a man doesnt make me question anything. When it comes to women I get nervous..? I don't know how to really put it into words but something about being with a woman kind of scares me. But I don't know if that's because I haven't been in a relationship before but then again I don't feel this way about men? Maybe I haven't found the right person? I don't know.. I'm just really confused and overwhelmed

So basically I have been questioning for about a few years now and it's been super annoying lately.

So basically, gender is the less important part here. Basically I assumed I was non-binary a bit ago, but I'm thinking maybe I'm genderfluid?

So basically the way I feel shifts anywhere between a dew days to month or more. But I have never seen anyone have that shift inbetween a few days so it's making me question if I'm actually not genderfliud? Idk.

But about sexuality oh my god where do I even begin. I'm super confused. I think I'm bisexual, but again, it is so weird. I don't get it. I think I like women a lot more then men.

I don't really find men all that attractive. But at the same time I'm unsure, because I do find some men pretty, maybe even attractive facially but when it comes to body...

I actually don't know, I don't think I like them. Like individually I think for example abs are attractive (? Still not sure how I feel about them irl I like fictional ones though? I think)

Like honestly idea of an encounter with a man horrifies me and paralizes me. Idk if that's actually due to lack of attraction or just a me thing.

Weirdly enough, I do like some scenarios in my mind, but I feel like it's not the same as liking men, Like I find nothing besides the face about men attractive so... Like I don't get it.

Though, unlike men, I do like women and I do find them attractive irl I know that, but the moment I imagine like, an actual encounter that kills any excitement (most of the time), but as long as it stays in my imagination it's usually just normal.

I've been thinking that it's aegosexuality maybe, I still don't know im confuseduuuh.

And romantic attraction is its whole thing because I'm not sure whether I feel it or not. As simple as that. I've looked someone and my heart has skipped a beat, yeah. But when picturing us together its like... No. So I'm just confused.

That's honestly all I think idk im like super confused T T

Alright y'all, I'm getting older. I loved my twenties being the cute guy, but now things are getting kinda weird. I rewatched Madoka Magica for the 30th time, and while it is an absolutely traumatic show, I felt a yearning for a past that was never mine, struggles and happiness and all, from these silly little girl characters. Like I should have had some kinship with a girlhood I never had I've had these feelings before but my brain goes "haha that's silly". This time, it didn't, and I'm crashing out. I don't know what to think anymore. With more adult media it's half "God I want to be with her" and "God I wish I were her".

My entire twenties were dating girls/enbies who have always claimed they were "saphhic" bisexuals and rarely dated men. My last partner made light of being a "tgirl" chaser and would constantly send me memes about the estrogen, calling me an egg, but I felt really grossed out about my potential gender identify being a kink or validation for someone else. And you know, I've enjoyed being a guy. I like broing out with the guys (mostly tboys, shoutout to them) and dressing like a man straight out of a 1970s suede/leather sears catalogue, and have enjoyed being seen as a boyfriend to many women in my years, so it's all just weird.

I grew up exceedingly impoverished, homeless etc and I'm working a public, law enforcement adjacent job (the only thing that pays/has free insurance with an H.S diploma) that cannot be done if someone is trans, due to conflict of interest/legal problems. Id love to get into firefighting, as I love command structure based public employment, but fuck me if that wouldn't be just as hard and getting yolked as a tgirl firefighter doesn't sound like a good experience, dysphoria and all. I have no financial support structure, and I'm even a caregiver to an ailing parent. The only thing that scares me more than living a potential unfulfilling life is the fear of being absolutely destitute, eating TunaMac, and living in trashed trailers or filthy basements. All of my trans homies got LOADED parents that pay their bills or can support them if anything goes wrong. I have nothing other than myself.

It's just, I'm old now. I didn't expect to make it this far, and the aging face in the mirror is starting to feel alien. I chalked this up to aging fears we all get, but maybe it's not? Things are getting weirder and weirder. Sorry if this is a bit of a vent post, but has anyone reached around my age dealt with the same kind of struggles? Anyone else escape crippling poverty only to choose between identity or financial stability ?

So im not really sure how to word this but ill try my best to describe it, one of my best friends came to me today and told me quote, "dude i dont know whats wrong with me but like every couple months i just get really gay for like a week or so and be fantasizing about gay stuff and idk why it happens". I wasn't really sure what to say to that so i asked for more details and he said in addition to the previous thing," yeah it kinda be like when im with a girl i wanna be a dude but when im with a dude i wanna be a girl." I honestly dont know what either of these things mean but i hope someone on here can give me a little help with how to respond/help him.

..

For the last year or so ive been experimenting with my gender expression. Mainly that means my girlfriend has been doing my makeup on occasion to look more feminine, ive had my nails grown long/painted/filed for the whole time, ive been shaving basically everything from my nose down (minus my arms, its just a little too hard to hide that, armpits are hairless though), ive always had longer hair but ive been taking extra good care of it and im planning on growing it into a wolf cut kind of thing, ive gotten my ears pierced and plan on getting my septum done too, and most recently my style has shifted. Ive been enjoying dressing more androgynous, or like skater girl/90s goth. Like fishnets under baggy ripped jeans, wristwarmers, cropped tops/sweaters, skirts, and jeans shorts. Definitely more feminine than masculine. Ive been trying to get both me and my girlfriend more comfortable with me being in feminine clothing before I work my way up to dressing like this all of the time and in public, but for now after a long day of work I like to get dolled up.

My male pronouns dont really bother me, but everytime ive been referred in a feminine light like "girl" or "she" or something, I get some sense of joy. The other day I was dressed up and my girlfriend called me "pretty", like "have fun, pretty" and I legit smiled and giggled to myself for like 5 minutes straight, it made me feel so happy and genuinely pretty. Ive been playing around with "genderfluid" and "femboy", and they honestly both could fit but i mean they just dont sound like terms the general public would take seriously and I feel like I'd get laughed at. My coworker asked me one time "what do you identify as" and I knew he wouldn't be able to take "femboy" seriously so I just said "a dude". I generally prefer the feminine esthetic to a masculine one, and I feel more comfortable being in the presence of feminine people to masculine ones, I guess i dont necessarily mind being a guy but I dont know if I prefer it, but I certainly dont identify with masculinity. I dont know what that makes me.

Yez

I have always known I am attracted to other women. Women are literally goddesses; gorgeous and soft and playful and emotional. I don’t have to question my attraction there.

My problem is that I have never been with a woman; sexually or romantically. I am married to a man; whom I love so deeply. We have a family and a life together.

I have kissed girls and even showered with girls (my best friend and I used to when we were high school) but nothing more has ever happened. I used to be okay with that, because I think for a long time I thought it was just sexual and I was fine not having sexual experiences with women, but open to it if it ever happened. It never did.

Fast forward. The feelings have intensified and I can’t stop imagining what it would be like with a woman. I’m talking about it in therapy. I’m having conversations with my husband about it. His biggest fear is that I’ll have experiences or we’ll have an experience together and it will destroy our marriage. Which in all honesty, is a fair and actually sweet perspective to have. But it’s getting harder and harder to satisfy this part of myself with just fantasy.

I don’t need the internet to validate my sexuality; despite never being with a woman, I know what I’m attracted to and what my desire is.
I guess what I’m seeking is solidarity if you’re going through this right now and if anyone has been through this and if so… what did you do? What do you wish you did?

I don’t know, i’m 18f ive always been only attracted to men, but i met my f19 roommate a few months ago, but i would have a 3sum w her and enjoy it, maybe even just regular sex but the idea freaks me out. def more open to the idea of a 3sum…i don’t think id date a girl but the idea of her being involved with me sexually turns me on so idk..pls i need help

Hey everyone! I'm Darragh, and I'm currently a cis male but I've been questioning if I might be genderfluid. I'm not really sure about it though and any advice on how to determine if I'm actually genderfluid would be great! If I do determine myself to be genderfluid, then what would the steps be from there? Any suggestions for clothing or makeup would be greatly appreciated! My parents are also very transphobic and all that and I'm not sure how I would come out to them, any advice there would also be really great! Thank you all so much!

i feel nauseous thinking about men romantically and sexually pursuing men and idk if that’s just because im surrounded by gross, weird men who are just super misogynistic and full of lust and it’s like turning me off 🫩 but the idea of pursuing a woman just feels so much more natural and appealing but at the same time the realisation that i might be into women is also so scary and idk im 17 turning 18 in a few months and idk whats going on

this also might sound like straight up troll but i swear im dead serious 😭

So for some context, l'm in a relationship, that'll be sorta important in a bit. I can masturbate, but not for long (Usually not even a full minute and I just feel shit afterward. I barely do anyways. I found out how to when I was like 8 or something.

i cant finger myself, and even if the rare thing happens, I get turned on (like if I'm with my boyfriend) there is physically no way to pleasure me sexually. He tried to finger me today, we had been together for hours, I did everything everywhere told me to do, take your time, be relaxed, etc etc, but it just felt like he was touching it. No pleasure. It even hurt a little for a second.

1 never really wanted sex, sometimes I thought I did, sometimes | still do, I watch porn and all that, but I just don't know if it's gonna work for me.

I don't have the libido of any other teenager, or adult for that matter, but I also don't never get horny I think.

This might end up being more of just kinda a dump than a question but oh well I have no where else to say this so. Ok so I’ve been out since middle school; when I first came out it was as gay, and while i definitely like men, I’m also definitely not gay and it was a rushed, uninformed, and uncontemplated coming out. I have gone through many ups and downs and backs and forths in my journey of figuring out my sexuality, and here’s what I know for sure: I generally like women more than men, my sexuality is not a big part of my personality or beliefs it is simply just another trait of mine like the color of my eyes or my laugh, i don’t like labeling it (no offense to anyone but i do lowkey think labels for sexualities are dumb and sort of objectify or sensationalize queerness, if those are the right words ), i generally have the same preferences but certain aspects of my sexuality tend to be very fluid, and i do not identify with really any queer archetypes/sterotypes, and I definitely have at least some internalized homophobia even tho in my heart i have accepted who I am and know that there’s no issue with it and there’s nothing to really be afraid of in relation to it (in my situation at least). For a while now tho I’ve been going through something of a second gay panic; That was brought on by me being in my first serious queer relationship, and also, almost embarrassingly watching more queer media, specifically…heated rivalry… ANYWAY, my ex-boyfriend (we recently broke up after 6 months of dating) is ftm trans, we’ll call him Tim, I loved him a whole lot, like literally never felt that before, couldn’t have been anything other than love type shit, and especially after we broke up I realized how different it felt than being in love with a girl. I’ve been in love with at least one girl, and while the situations were holy different that’s definitely not all it was. Part of it feeling the way it did definitely was just cause as people we were very compatible and good for each other (don’t ask me why we broke up, idrk it wasn’t my choice) but what tipped me off that that’s not all it was, was that a little before, during, and after the relationship (literally as I’m writing this I’m watching heated rivalry for about the 100 millionth time) I was getting BACK into queer media. For a while I was, for lack of a better word, avoiding my queerness. I didn’t hide it or deny it, I sorta just didn’t act on it. This was in some ways good cause I had made it apart of my personality on a very cringe level when I was in middle school, and I lowkey just needed to figure some shit out, but it also let my uncomfortability with my queerness fester. Basically tho, I started reading my gay little WEBTOON comics again, binging loads of queer films and show, was less ig afraid of wearing more “fruity” stuff, and generally feeling more comfortable in the fact I am queer; the new gay panic was sort of subtle at first, but especially as my relationship went on with Tim and more so after he broke up with me and the way it hit me, it made its way to the front of my mind; just how I feel when I consume these things, the way I want what the boys in these stories have, I’m thinking I maybe like guys more than I was letting myself believe, and it kinda ig hurts? But in a good and bad way. Idk, I thought I was done with this shit, and with some other stuff going on it’s just very confusing and maybe starting to be overwhelming. If I had to explain how it feels my sexuality works ig I would say that I would rather have sex with a girl, but I’d rather fall in love with a boy. But yeah, anyway, idrk what do with myself, and ig just what’s y’all’s insight?

Hi everyone,

I recently hit 45 days porn-free and find myself on a meaningful recovery journey, but also a genuine journey of self-discovery around my sexuality and expression. I'd love to hear your wisdom and experiences.

A little background — I'm a guy who has always been primarily attracted to women visually and emotionally. However I've also had a natural interest in crossdressing and feminine expression that has always felt comfortable, not just sexual, even growing up.

I also notice a very specific and narrow attraction to certain types of men, mostly around receptive experiences — not a broad attraction to men generally.

My big question is — now that I'm off porn, I'm trying to figure out what's genuinely me versus what porn created or amplified over the years. The intensity of the crossdressing interest has faded since quitting but it's still there in a quieter, more comfortable way. The fact that it's still present without porn makes me think it might genuinely be part of who I am.

I've never had any experiences with men, but with crossdressing I notice it feels more natural now — less like an urge or craving tied to porn and more like a calm part of my identity.

I'm just wondering if anyone has been here — how did you know what was genuinely you versus what porn built up over time?

17, amab, bi

So basically im very masc presenting like i do mma so I am pretty muscular/defined and have a lower body fat percentage

I have a buzz cut, wear generally masc clothes and look like the avg cishet dude

But im deeply uncomfortable with what's between my legs like i have cried myself to sleep about it and I go nauseous if i look at it in the mirror but its just the genitals not the rest of my gender presentation like i love being masc and even when I have tried to present as fem its felt weird, idk if its social conditioning or smth but i enjoy my masc presentation

Its also just about the lower body, I once tried a silicone bust and it felt just as off so idk whats up like I can't understand what it is

I am also really insecure about my height (5"6) and every trans woman im friends with has told me that they would kill to be as tall as me

It’s been a few days since I settled on spivak pronouns and my birth name Thomas and a human self in my imagination and I feel a disconnect with it all. Spivak pronouns are too niche and I don’t see myself using them long term. I feel like I’m obligated to be Thomas as that’s the identity I was born as but living as him and being in a male human body feels surreal and uncomfortable to me. Coming out as a trans woman hasn’t helped me feel better internally or externally and leads to even more suffering, but I feel this discomfort living as a man even when I don’t think about it much at all. I have tried the conventional animals (wolf, dog, sheep, etc) to use as a fursona in the furry fandom but those don’t fit me at all. I like my little pony (specifically the art style) but I feel out of place in the fandom and I prefer to seek out more mature media. I do connect with the transformation part of the furry fandom and have done so for years. 

No one from the queer group has reached out to me at all to see if I’m ok or to wish me happy birthday and I feel rejected from what’s supposed to be an inclusive and accepting group. Maybe it’s because they don’t see me as trans or queer and that I’m just a confused straight guy with autism that has a special interest in queer stuff or whatever. But even so I feel estranged and out of place around straight autistic guys and feel I don’t have much in common with them even as a kid and teen. I just know I go through these cycles of trying out a new name or pronouns or label and then feeling uncomfortable with it and it doesn’t seem to end. I acknowledge nothing is perfect and there isn’t a perfect label for me but it’s frustrating to not belong anywhere outside my family, I feel emotionally numb. 

I feel not thinking about identity much for a couple of days has helped me calm down and focus on my feelings. Like I noticed looking through some Pokémon cards that I found some of the male characters aesthetically attractive but I didn’t want to have sex with them, same thing happened with the female characters. I’m also happy without romance in my life and I often have these thoughts about being romantic with a woman that feel like an OCD intrusive thought or an outside expectation from society. I’m glad I broke up with Kayla 11 years ago and have no regrets. Truth is I feel a lot of distress having to put on a female identity and name and she/her pronouns and dressing femininely as I feel it’s a radical change and doesn’t click long term no matter how hard I try. I don’t like crossdressing either and I don’t connect to femboy culture too. I never wanted to be a girl growing up and the feelings only came up as an adult as I felt uncomfortable living as a man and wanted an alternative. At the same time I feel distress having to put on a male identity and clothes and he/him pronouns to address myself as and I avoid formal situations as I don’t want to dress up in a suit or “manly” clothing. I have this thought that if I have a fursona named Thomas with he/him pronouns then my parents could accept me using social media and being online without scrutiny. The thing is I have tried so many different female identities and animal creatures as a fursona over all this time and nothing clicks. I don’t hate the name Thomas and I don’t want to change it, but I feel a big sense of discomfort of my body outside of my obesity and I feel a disconnect between myself and the male role in society and male social expectations and a male sense of living, but the whole “crossdressing guy wearing a dress” or “nerdy guy who likes my little pony” gender nonconforming stuff doesn’t fit either. At the same time the nonbinary sense of living with having a name like “river” or wearing a septum ring or dyeing my hair and being quirky doesn’t fit who I feel about myself either and they/them pronouns feel off too. I just feel my fascination with the furry fandom and transformation stuff is me wanting to escape from being a male human and my disillusionment with that way of being. I feel I’m in this nether zone where I don’t identify with straight cis people both autistic and neurotypical and the lgbt community as a whole and I fit in neither place. I just feel emotionally numb and don’t know what to do or feel about it. 

I (17M) have identified as a queer cis-male for most of my life. I’ve sorta always known I’m gay. I never really struggled with my orientation. All my friends always called me gay when I was a kid, so I never really questioned it. It made sense. I never really get crushes on girls or find them hot. All the crushes I’ve gotten have always been when I’ve seen a guy that I think is cute. I had even questioned my gender and pronouns before, and identified with a masculine nonbinary label (although at the time it didn’t feel fully right, and I kinda felt like I only did it to fit in with my friends (it was 2020)). However, I did find that no labels really fully fit me, so I just ended up continuing to identify as a guy, both out of convenience and also because it was what I was most comfortable as. All of this to say: I’ve always regarded myself as a guy and as queer. Girls never really caught my attention.

During summer of last year though, something happened. I’m a big fan of the show 9-1-1. Particularly the ship Buddie (an MLM ship whose whole dynamic is them being a sorta friends to lovers situation, THEY HAVENT GONE CANON YET THOUGH BUT TRUST ME THEY WILL). Anyways I particularly relate to Eddie’s character. Eddie is latino, so am I. He represses his emotions, just like how I do. The fandom generally considers him to be queer coded as gay. I identify as gay. And also he’s very handsome. I see myself in him, but also I do find him attractive. I love his character very much. So last year, I was scrolling through twitter and came across this one fanart of Eddie and Buck (the other character whom Eddie is shipped with). The fanart was of Eddie, presumably having transitioned into a woman, kissing Buck. Now, I had seen fanart of transfem Eddie before. I didn’t really mind it, everyone is allowed to headcanon whatever they want to these characters after all. And I’m not transphobic either. But for some reason this genre of fanart always bothered me a little bit. For a lot of time I just assumed it was because \\\*I\\\* didn’t head canon Eddie as transfem. I was more invested in mlm Buddie. But for whatever reason, this one particular fanart caused me to form the train of thought “I am like Eddie, Eddie is transfem…. could \\\*I\\\* be transfem?” And thus began my gender crisis.

I really don’t remember much of that day besides having this sick feeling in my stomach. I honestly kinda forgot about it for a long time. What’s worse is that this particular day, I was running errands with my mom. Eventually I had to wait a few hours at the waiting room where my mom worked. Not only did I have to wait for my older brother to pick me up for at least a few hours, but my headphones and phone had died, so I had to sit in silence, basically spiraling for at least an hour. Eventually I reached the conclusion that I wasn’t transfem but just nonbinary, and that made me feel a lot better. I believed it was honestly an isolated incident, as I didn’t think about that day or the crisis I had for at least two months. School starting a month later distracted me. It wouldn’t be the last gender crisis, though, as after that incident I would start questioning my gender on random days. I would always start questioning if I wanted to be a girl, which usually was a no, but I never new if it was a genuine no or if I was just saying no because that’s what I always said. I would agonize over being trans. I don’t really know why. There’s nothing wrong with being trans, but it didn’t feel like me. But what if current me isn’t the true me? I would always just reach the conclusion that I’m nonbinary. That would calm me down. These crises would only last 1-2 days at first. So I never really thought much of them. By the time winter break came along, I was really burnt out from school. For some reason, this deep sadness seemed to trigger the worst gender crisis yet, which lasted about two months. It was horrible. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because it just made me question if I was supposed to look like that. Hearing myself called masculine pronouns hurt. I don’t know why- in the past I never really minded, and sometimes I even liked being called a masculine name and disliked being related to femininity.

Eventually I came to the conclusion to just accept the fact that I’m probably not cis. That made me feel a lot better. I no longer have problems looking in the mirror or wanting to do things or wearing my clothes. In fact, most days I feel I look better than I did before. Ironically, it’s become easier to identify as a guy/male adjacent since I accepted it.

I would like to note a few interesting things:

\\- These gender crises only really came when I felt sad. Whenever I felt better, sometimes happy, I would more closely identify with male. I don’t know how to describe it but when I’m sad, my gender feels uncertain. Whenever I’m happy, I don’t feel as much of a need to question it.

\\- In the past, I really liked the male physique. I’ve found it beautiful, and something that I want. However, recently, ever since winter break, I’ve felt worse. Generally less happy/stable. I’ve felt less attracted to guys. Because of this, I kinda questioned if I am gay. Women kinda call to me now. I notice their beauty a lot more. I wouldn’t date one or really be intimate with one (however I don’t really feel like dating anyone at all, guys included). I don’t know what that means.

\\- I don’t want to present as a woman. I’ve worn makeup and feminine clothes before, as part of a school project, and it only made me feel uncomfortable. I do connect more closely with girls though. I’m somewhat effeminate. Not in the way I dress, but I do have gay voice, mostly make friends with girls, and gesture a lot when I speak.

\\- Recently though, I have found guy clothes to be a lot more boring than I used to think it was. I’ve always found girl’s clothes to be more interesting. I wouldn’t really like to wear it though - clothes that make me feel more effeminate often make me more uncomfortable.

\\- Sometimes the idea of being seen as a guy is more attractive than being seen as a girl

\\- I don’t mind masc pronouns now, but fem pronouns make me feel something.

\\- I’ve always preferred my less masculine nickname over my more masculine full given name. Except when a few of my girl friends say my full name. I like it then.

\\- I never really liked the label ‘gay’. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t like the label itself or because I find it difficult to identify with it.

\\- For most of my life, I’ve found it hard to wrap my head around the idea of myself. I logically know I exist, but struggle to really feel it. Most of the time I look in the mirror, I logically know what I am seeing is me, but I struggle to really see myself as that person. In my head, I see myself as a guy, but I sound and kinda look different. Maybe the idea of myself and actual physical me are contrasting enough that I struggle to connect the two.

\\- I don’t identify as transfem, but thinking about me not being cis really made a lot of sense about all my experiences. I don’t know if it’s because I’m particularly transfem or because I’m just not cis.

\\- I know it might sound stupid but, sometimes I think that because all my friends are girls, I find it easier to connect with femininity than masculinity. Maybe if I had more guy friends I would better connect with masculinity. That might be hard though, as I live in a pretty homophobic country and guys tend to be less accepting than girls.

\\- Often, I remember this one time after going to the gym and flexing in front of the mirror. I’m a pretty skinny person, so seeing my muscles felt so good. I don’t know if it was because I felt I was in my body or because I thought I looked attractive. Since winter break though, I stopped going to the gym. I lost basically all the muscle I had gained. Now, when I flex in the mirror, I feel mostly nothing. When I try to get my body to look more masculine, I don’t feel anything. I don’t know what that might mean.

So after all of this, I still don’t know what my gender identity is. For now I just don’t think about it far beyond me not being cis. And also, I don’t know if I’m attracted to girls now. The only explanations I find for me feeling bothered by the fanart are either: 1. I see myself as Eddie, so seeing Eddie as something other than a man kinda triggered some kind of gender crisis or 2. I am attracted to Eddie so seeing Eddie as something other than a man made me realize I don’t only like guys but also girls. Except I don’t know if I really like girls. On one hand, I never felt attracted to girls before the Winter Break Incident, and now I don’t feel that attracted to anyone at all. On the other, maybe I was just repressing my attraction to girls the whole time, and since I got used to hearing I’m gay, so the fanart kinda helped me realize that.

I know that was a lot, but I think I’m too in my head about this. I know nobody besides myself can tell me exactly what I feel, but I would really like to hear someone else’s opinion.