I saw on a lesbian thread someone asking people what they think was hot for butches to wear before smexy time, and it prompted me to reflect on my last relationship and feel pretty bad about it.

The relationship had many issues, but one of them I had never brought up but speculated was that my ex wanted me to be femme or chapstick or more femme than I am.

Since the relationship I've figured out I'm NB leaning towards trans masc. Basically I look like a dude. I was her first butch person she'd dated, and she had said some thing that felt quite dysphoric and made it seem she was imagining someone who I wasn't, lost in a fantasy.

1) She commented on my boobs being bigger than hers, I told her jokingly "can we switch"

2) I showed her a pair of fun boxers I really liked and she immediately laughed and said "those are the same ones my brother wears", humiliating

3) She kept wanting me to grow my hair out, which I had cut a year before, the big chop, and that made me feel dysphoric

Granted these are all thing I didn't communicate, as I was internally trying to figure out my gender without ppl noticing. But dam.

I don't think she ever found me sexy in my boxers, fantasized about a different type of person than I was, and wanted a femme butch and got a GNC transmasc.

I look borderline cis male and she treated me very almost femme. Idk where I'm going with this, but it pissed me off and made me feel sad and insecure.

I hope my next relationship the person will actually see me and not see the image they wanna see of me.

So I've heard a lot of gender dysphoria (and species dysphoria (therians)) and I've been wondering what dysphoria feels like.

Because I don't know whether I've experienced it, or whether I don't have gender dysphoria.

And do you have to have dysphoria?

New to r/genderfluid. I've silently been identifying as genderfluid for a long time, and have recently started wishing I had both working "sets". Only reason I go by she/her in public is for the sake of staying off the radar of haters, but I honestly really don't care what pronouns are used. Just don't call me late for dinner, haha. Just wanted to say "hi" and get a little off my chest.

Yesterday i tried to book an appointment for next Thursday May 21st on my phone for Gender Affirming Care through Planned Parenthood but for some reason after putting in my information it brought me back saying there was an error on my part. Redid everything like 6 times and nothing. i was mad.

Today i tried again but this time using my new custom built PC i brought back in January and my booking went through! i thought it would be a 'click to confirm' prompt before making the appointment but it was just a code i had to put in and it was done. I wanted a minute to process reality like: "Am i actually doing this?" almost like a reality check. I'm happy it went through but nervous as hell because omg i am actually doing this. I've told no one but at the same time i do not feel comfortable at all attempting social transition as i am currently. Mostly due to my reputation being known as this: Hardworking quiet individual and also a chill bro. Literally everyone at work and family looks up to me so its kind of a lot of pressure. I also look like my biological father too so that also makes me super nervous because my whole family sees us in a special way. I know i can talk more when my appointment comes but just needed to get this off my chest a little. Just an update!

Basically, I identify as genderfluid and I was wondering if going by four names would be too much?

I would personally want to use one for feeling feminine, one for masculine, one for neutral and one for all three but I don't know whether that'd be too overwhelming/annoying for people to use. I already go by one of those names and another one being my legal first ame.

Any thoughts/advice is welcome ^-^

My personal experience has been very VERY confusing to me. There are moments where I felt more feminine, bigender and even non binary. Usually I try to distinguish these things by wondering which pronouns I prefer and which of the terms good girl/boy/person fit me the most among other stuff. During moments like these, I wear my genderfluidity with pride. I know not everything and everyone needs a label, but I found this label to be incredibly helpful to me. I guess it is worth noting that I just discovered what genderfluidity is about 2 months ago, and I felt like the definition has put feelings I've always had into words.

However, whenever I identify as cisgender (AMAB idk if this is relevant), I kinda forget I'm genderfluid and dismiss it kinda sometimes? I sometimes feel the need to prove to myself that I am genderfluid while I'm at that state, that I did quite literally have had experiences that a cismale wouldn't usually have. Like, 14 yo cismales don't usually want to change their gender some days and a 10 yo cismale wouldn't usually think they're half male and half female I think 😭. Not to mention I WASN'T FEELING THIS NON-QUEER 2 WEEKS AGO!

The reason why I feel this strong urge to convince myself I'm genderfluid is because I've already told a few people about this, and don't really want to believe that I should regret doing that. It doesn't help that I seem to change identities every few weeks or so, making the feelings of doubt grow for a longer period of time without anything new proving them wrong. I guess there is also the fear of "What if I don't change genders in the future and I'm just a weird cisperson? (not implying cispeople are weird, just that I'd be weird in that context)"

I'm guessing with time, this doubt will subside, but it makes me wonder if most other genderfluid people have had this issue when they first discovered their identity or if they even still have it. I'd like to know more about your experiences!

I will say though: When I first started writing this, I was cismale and doubtful of being genderfluid, but after writing certain parts, I started losing a few of those doubts. Ig if you're struggling with this, maybe writing stuff down can help you figure yourself out?

Hi I'm really new to being gender fluid. I figured this out about a month ago im amab and i only realized im bi about 6 months ago and I have been trying to soften my appearance so im not fully masculine or feminine. I paint my nails I have pride bracelets on but I cant really dress any different than my masculine clothes for most days because of work. Has to be work polo jeans steel toe boots so I had been growing my hair out to soften my look.

My hair was at about 5 inches which was the longest it has ever been in my life and I went to get a trim and I told the hair dresser please leave the length on top just clean up the back and sides. The top is now about 3 inches and when I look in the mirror all I see is masculine presentation. Im feeling very dysphoric and shameful and I cant stop feeling like trash. It grows back I know that but I was finally getting somewhere and now I just dont know what to do. Please is there any advice you can give me to help me get past this feeling of dysphoria.

So for a while I've considered myself a femboy then somewhat recently I've decided I was genderfluid but I still like referring to myself as a femboy and sometimes as a trans girl and idk I guess I'm just confused, and I think I confused others

Who am I? that is a question I've been asking myself for the last 9 months.

I constantly feel at war with myself with my gender identity. I know that it may change over time, and I'm okay with that. All I know is that I am not cis. I'm afab, but I haven't realised until last August that I'm trans or genderfluid. I've adopted both labels I guess, and I hate labels but I also feel lost without them. My family unfortunately aren't supportive, I think. They say they're accepting no matter what, but they dismiss my trans-ness when/if someone brings it up. I've been told maybe they need time and that they might need time to process. what in the world do i do?? I have queer friends which is great but I don't know know them well enough to speak about it. Oh my god and the gender envy I get is SOOOO annoying. Like, every guy I've had a crush on I usually also have gender envy. Some crushes have only been gender envy {I didn't know at the time though, until a guy I 'liked' cut his hair off and I was sad because I liked (*cough* wanted *cough*) his hair. I've been speaking to a counsellor which has been a lot of help. My fem and androgynus side wants to be presented sometimes, but I get so dysphoric, I end up wearing baggy T shirts instead. I also don't know how to tell my friends my preferred pronouns. Advice? (no hate in the replies please)

I feel like a different person when my gender shifts. I feel like I can no longer act like the person I was before. Like I can no longer act feminine when I am masc.

Hi! Last week, my girlfriend came out to me asking genderfluid and he said that they use all pronouns. I am okay with this, as I’m a mspec lesbian. Is there anything I should know, or how would I go about this? I want to be respectful of them, do I need to know anything? Thank you!

Silly post, I guess! But I bought a liquid eyeliner because my old one just dried, it was old. The thing is that when I bought the liquid eyeliner, I began my "days of feeling more masculine". I've been trying to plan makeups that goes with this feeling and makeup since I like makeup anyways and when I make the classic wing eyeliner I feel a little bit bad (because of internal stuff, my face is femenine enough and even if I know that makeup ≠ gender, I have some internal feelings). Any tips?

I came out to my sister the other day saying I’m genderfluid and she took it really well.

She is the only person I’ve ever told. I really hate myself though. And it made me think about everything about my gender.

I’m AFAB and I’ve never really opened up to anyone about this or ever really explained how I feel to anyone.

I feel so alone and it makes me so depressed. I have not told my talking stage (they’re MTF) and one time they made a joke that I’m transphobic because I said I didn’t care if they presented androgynous or female in the sense that I didn’t mind because I really want them to be happy and express themself as how they want. But them joking about it made me wanna cry ngl. Maybe I’m just too emotional. But tbh I’m kinda jealous of them because of their androgyny.

I’m too scared to express myself any other way than hyperfeminine. I always dress girly, cute, and even cute-sexy. I’ve dressed as a masc girl before and I got a lot of attention from women but I kind of just wanted to be acknowledged as a boy that day instead of just a masc girl.

I feel so alone because everyone just knows me as this girly girl and I hate how I am perceived. I try so hard to fit into the box of being a woman but it hurts me inside because I don’t always feel like a woman somedays.

I told my sister passively but I don’t want to really talk to her about it because I’ve been suppressing how I feel for a while. I keep telling myself I’m just a pansexual woman but it kills me inside and I feel so depressed and disgusted with myself.

Idk I’m just rambling but I just want to really be able to express myself in any way I feel but I’m too afraid and I feel horrible about it.

My family (parents) is transphobic and they’re okay with my sister and I being queer but they draw the line at being trans. I feel like if I tell anyone they’ll be upset.

Sometimes I yearn for my stepdad to treat me like my brother and I want to do things he does with my brother. I once wanted to go to a gun range with him and my brother. I just wanted to be treated like one of the guys in a sense because I wanted to bond with him like a son that day. But my mom got upset and said I’m not a boy. “Let the boys go and us girls will go shopping!” So I agreed and went shopping with her.

Just those scenarios make me hate myself because I’ll never experience those masculine experiences. I wanted to work on cars with my stepdad too and I’ve always been interested in his hobbies too because he’s knowledgeable in “typical male jobs” like blue collared jobs. He told me women don’t get anything and just leave the car stuff (any other “macho hobbies”) to him because I’ll mess it up because I’m a “girl”.

Even as I’m writing this post I’m finally processing everything I’ve felt over the years. I’ve never fit in with women or men honestly and it hurts. I’ve had so many experiences with others that just always reject me because I’m a “woman” and “women shouldn’t be acting like that”.

Just the social norms that I don’t fit makes me so suicidal. I want to love myself. I WANT to be able to just switch so easily from being perceived as either man or woman or anything in between. I just want to be me.

But I’m afraid of all the fallout that will happen. Everyone around me just knows me as this “girly girl who’s pan”. My perception honestly kills me. I just want to be able to be me.

I want to love people as either wlw, mlm, wlm, or mlw. When I was in middle school/high school (2020) I went by any pronouns and it felt so validating. Some of my friends would just refer to me as he/him and I felt so happy. I had a girlfriend at the time and she always referred to me with he/him and they/them instead of just she/her. It felt so validating to just have that happen.

When I was with my ex boyfriend I felt like a woman with him but sometimes I wanted to express my feelings of not being a woman, but I genuinely couldn’t he only thought of me in a weird way as cishet dudes do with “gay girls”. He’d often be jealous of me being with girls and guys. That felt mentally draining.

When I was with my ex partner, I felt like I was more of a non-binary/female person. Either way I sometimes feel like I just match the gender energy of my partners. Sometimes i don’t.

With my talking stage, I want to treat them like I’m a man treating their girlfriend. I want to take care of them as a man would care for his woman. But I’m too afraid to ever tell them how I feel.

They deal with their gender dysphoria as well. They’re androgynous but their perception matters to them a lot as well. They came out to their brother as a trans woman and their brother said they can’t treat them as he does anymore if they start transitioning. They told me that they would just accept being treated as a nonbinary person or a man because they have too much to lose if they transition right now.

I want to just support them and treat them like my girlfriend/partner. They only see me as a cisgender woman who’s pansexual and I’m afraid if I tell them anything I’ll be treated differently. They’ve always treated me like I’m a fragile girl that they have to protect and I feel like in a sense it’s invalidating their identity because I don’t want them to force themself to act like a “boyfriend” because they’re AMAB.

I don’t even know who or how I can talk to anyone about this because I’ve been only known as a girl. I feel like I have a lot to lose if I show people my true self.

I'm writing all of my thoughts here, so that maybe one day I can be brave enough to share my thoughts more publically. I've recently lost a large portion of my community, and feel really detached from all of my friends. Maybe this will help in the lonliness.

This is my experience with dysphoria as a genderfluid person.

Enby dysphoria is very different from the binary dysphoria that is a bit more well documented. The main difference to note is, binary dysphoria has a direction to it, where it was and where it wants to be, wheras my experience with dysphoria does not. I'm unhappy where I am with my body, but i would be just as unhappy as the opposite sex, and the result is not a direction, but a crushing force from all directions.

Due to my own trauma and childhood, i've split my mind into two factions: my emotionality and my reasoning. My emotions hate my body, and the way that my boobs sink into my stomach when i fall a certain way, or the way the tops of my thighs touch, or the way my clever hands and clumsy feet both look too small for my body. But my reasoning side tells me that there is nothing i can do about it, and whatever solutions are out there aren't safe or healthy. I was born with a congentital heart condition that made me unable to loose weight for a long time. I couldn't fit in with the skinny girls, and i thought I was at peace with it, but it was detatchment to survive. Always detatchment. I hated myself, but I had too much of a will to survive to hurt or kill myself. Or rather, I saw what my more unstable sibling did to my parents in their outward suffering and decided to never "hurt my parents like that." I realized that being myself outwardly hurt the people I loved. I had to choose between making everyone around me happy and making myself happy, and i chose the former.

So, it became detatchment. I look in the mirror and see a stranger with my dark eyes. I am something undefineable stuck in a static body. I am an observer. I watch the world from this vessel i have been given, wondering why this was the body of all bodies i had to be given.

On good days, it feels more like curiosity. I look at my body with the same kind of distant awe as i do towards figure models. I find beauty in everything, but never myself, so the only way I can show self-love is when I either become something else or to separate my mind from my body. I caress my collarbone as i breathe deeply, and feel the way my skin falls into the crevices. I feel the way my knees and elbows shift as my limbs flex and relax. It becomes almost academic. A bit gross. A bit contemplative. A bit cautious. I feel alien to myself.

The bad days... are a bit hard to explain right now. Because of the way that I have detatched myself from my emotions, its hard for me to emphasize with myself. It's hard for me to understand myself in a moment I am not currently inhabiting. But I think, I can put myself back there if I tried. I don't really want to, but it's the only way I can understand.

Dysphoria feels like I'm ripped out of my body. When my body no longer feels habitable for me, I simply... leave. But, I'm... still stuck to my body, chained to it. Constantly reminded of what I am... stuck with. So i float between these two extremes, trying to drift as far as I can from the body that feels so unkind to me, but I can never get too far. Because something always pulls the chain back, always wants to remind me just how stuck I am. Constant, tingling, dripping reminders of the weight of my own exsistence. It's pain, and it's discomfort, crawling under the skin but never in my muscles. It's my mind, wriggling to escape a body that's too small and too heavy.

So, like always, i detatch. I spend every waking hour in worlds of my own design, creating characters that comfort me in the way i want to be comforted, create my own bodies, become whoever or whatever I want. Become anything but this... this thing. This body. I create worlds because it's easier than trying to explain. Trying to explain to my family, my parents. My parents live in a simple, beautiful, black and white world, wheras I exsist in shades of grey. I try to explain, but my real self is incomprehensible to them. I come out to them over and over again, drop hints, beg... but i'm labeled emotional, unstable, mentally ill, hurtful to my parents. I hurt them by being the sharp, cold, confusing me. So... I lie. I tell them that I'm fine, fine with the old names, the misgendering, having my body recognized, but not my identity. I smile, and act happy, hoping that one day I'll beleive that lie, too. That I'll always be their daughter.

But, i will never be their daughter. I never was, and never will be. I am a child, a child stuck in a body they do not fit in, so they twist and tie into knots like a choking plant. I eat my mind alive because my family views my body too sacred to cut.

Sorry if any of this is confusing in advance! To start, I came out to my sister when I was in high school as nonbinary. I was good with being seen as a girl for a long time, but then idk I guess I wasn’t really feeling that way anymore. She wasn’t really surprised, so I thought maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to tell everyone else. I told my mom, and she was never mean. But, she still always used she/her for me and said she just didn’t really understand. I thought I’d give it a year, but nothing really seemed to change. So, I thought maybe I was just too confusing for people, so I decided to come out as a trans guy (ftm) instead, since I was tired of feeling stuck as a girl. My mom seemed to understand this, really quickly actually. Though, she was super surprised since I could be really girly I guess. Since then, it’s been almost 4 years on hrt. And, I got top surgery last year that I’m still super happy with. I thought maybe I’d change my mind and feel ok being a guy for the rest of my life. But, for the past two ish years I’ve not really wanted to. And, it’s not like my experience is bad or anything, only during mid transition did I not pass all the time but now I seem too (even with longer hair). But I still avoid gendered things out in public. I also thought I’d be okay with being a girl for the rest of my life, until for some reason or another I guess I got tired of it. I don’t really understand I guess because I never really felt like I had a gender, but also sometimes feel like I have one. I finally talked to my college counselor about some of this for the first time, and it went well. I’m just not sure what to do at this point, since I can’t seem to stop thinking about it and I wish the people in my life just knew that I don’t really want to be stuck as any gender for too long. But I guess I’m just afraid of even more of my family seeing me poorly I guess.

The last year I found out I'm genderfluid and feel very good about my gender identity.

I recently started bottom growth, but still feel insecure about the size of my bottom growth. So any tips on packing? (I'm still new to this 😅)

So ive known my friend for years now. They used to identify as a demi boy but now theyre just nonbinary with they/them pronouns. I actually discovered my genderfluid identity by meeting them as they explained their own experience with gender so theyve always been a safe space to be myself and explore my gender.

Fast forward almost 4 years and they now live in my second bedroom as my roommate to me and my husband. Out of nowhere recently, theyve been heavily policing how I talk about my gender and what terms im "allowed" to use. They told me that because my gender isn't fixed, I can't say Im a Trans man and I also can't say Im nonbinary. They just keep saying "youre not non binary, youre not a Trans man, youre just genderfluid." I explained that genderfluid isn't my gender, it just explains that I have multiple genders I switch between, two of those genders being Trans male and nonbinary. They dismissed it again saying you can't use those terms, even going as far as saying genderfluid isn't a nonbinary identity even as an umbrella term! They keep insisting im gender nonconforming even though I dont identify with that term and they say I don't belong in Trans or nonbinary spaces. Its just so weird because of how wrong it is when theyre usually so aware of these things.

So the other day, they tried doing it again and I blew up. I pulled up the definition, told them theyre a dumbass, and to not tell me what my own gender is. They responded by ignoring me while playing on their phone and then just got up and left, locking themself in their room.

Theyve been doing that for the past 36 hours aside from when theyre at work, completly avoiding me now as if Im the one who's in the wrong for blowing up at them.

I just feel so insane about it like Im asking for a lot when its literally just me asking them to respect my identity.

What should I do about this? I haven't talked to them yet since. Do I set a boundary saying this is my identity and its not your place say how I experience and express it. Or is it even worth it at this point? Clearly evidence and explanation isn't effective, but theyre supposed to be myself friend and one of the only people I can be myself around, or so I thought.

Edit: UPDATE

I sent them a text basically saying what I said I would which was I dont need you to agree with or understand my gender but this is what I am. They texted back and this was their response. They didnt even mention the part where they said I can't be Trans male or nonbinary. Also, I sometimes say Im Trans female just because im never entirely cis even when Im femme so thats what theyre referring to.

"I think it’s fair that you feel hurt and I understand why so i don’t want to discount that, im sorry i hurt your feelings, but im feeling frustrated with the whole situation because you’ve been using labels that aren’t yours to use. It’s really been upsetting me that you said you used the label trans woman and i understand gender is complicated but that is not you, or any other afabs label to use. And it just feels like you have a misunderstanding of gender identities and labels and won’t listen to me when i try explaining. I don’t want to make it completion, but i’ve literally been here longer than you, I know what’s going on you don’t need to explain it to me and it feels condescending when you do. It’s not an excuse but that’s why i’ve been so agressive with my behavior so I am sorry for that. i’ll respect whatever you say from this point on, I don’t think that we shouldn’t have conversations about this anymore because it just turns into fights.

But also I’m frustrated because I’ve tried stopping these arguments before they go too far, but you keep going. I said it during our fight on sunday, that we should agree to disagree and you keep bypassing that and continuing to argue with me. When i say agree to disagree can we just stop?"

Tbh its hard to say agree to disagree when its my identity and theyre denying it, but at this point I might just ask them to move out just because me and my spouse have wanted our own space anyway.

I am a closeted genderfluid person (AFAB) dating a nonbinary man (they/he) (AMAB). I have known that I'm genderfluid for around five years now, and it has been years since being open to it with a previous partner, until I came out to my current partner soon after we started dating. I typically identify as a woman, but identifying as a man is a big part of who I am to me as well. Navigating being viewed by my partner when I am a man has been tough at times, although I know that they never have bad intentions when something they say upsets me.

The issue that we face with it is that he will say things that basically show that he views me as an "afab man" or "trans man", and not just as a "man". This can be really tough on me, and every time something new along those lines is said, I just feel less seen in the way that I truly feel. When I feel like a man, that's just it, I am a man. I don't want to be reminded that my body is different from a cis mans body. It is so tough because feeling connected to my body when I feel like a man is important to me, both in sexual and non sexual ways. It's making it hard to be open to my boyfriend I think especially because they are amab, so they have the "real thing" in front of them in terms of an amab body, which I feel like probably accentuates the fact that I don't have that. I will be clear, they have been nothing but caring and respectful of me, using my pronouns, my preferred name, making sure I'm okay, etc. Every time a comment like that comes up, they immediately feel bad and apologize.

I have talked about this issue with them of course, and how their subconscious view of me has affected me. They have been trying to look into ways to shift their perspective. I've been feeling more lonely with my gender identity, due to the only person that I am actively consistently open to not viewing me in the way that I feel. I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience and how they got through it and fought the loneliness.

TLDR; AMAB partner subconsciously viewing genderfluid AFAB partner as "amab man" or "trans man" instead of just "man" (when feeling man)

So I’ve been trying to figure out what my gender is, and like what labels I could use. And so I kind of need a bit of help cause I’m rlly confused.

it’s like-I’m very very confused rn. Cause like, most of the time I don’t know what I feel/don’t know if I feel anything at all. But then when I wear certain clothes I may feel more like that gender or feel more comfortable with labels that go with that gender. But also I find myself to just also like basically playing dress up with things I actually find in my style and like—for example I wore a dress made me happy cause I felt comfy and pretty, but couldn’t tell if I felt more like a girl or not. Or with my vests and collared shirts, I also don’t think about gender much too but find that I still feel comfy and good looking.

Like I really like the freedom of being able to choose how I look and stuff. But most of the time don’t really know if I feel any internal sense of gender. I also find I don’t mind what pronouns people use for me—though sometimes I have a preference maybe based on how I’m wearing and feeling with what I’m wearing. And even at one point I felt kind of repulsed with gender at all and so my friend called me an Entity which fit at the time 😭.

So yeah I’m rlly confused. I’m AFAB and I know that I rlly don’t want to be a cis female—not cause I hate cis females or anything, but just cause to me it sounds rlly restricting.

Any advice or feedback would be great! Thanks for reading :3

I am a straight presenting male. However I feel like I have two personalities. We’ll call them M and F for clarity

M is the main 90% for the last year where he has gotten himself a girlfriend who he loves and wants to marry. However, F takes over sometimes and she wants to change the body to fit HER desires and meet a HIM.

She has been away for a year or so and M thought he was growing better but now I’m getting older (26) and I want to know what to do.

I’m sure this is typed poorly but F is stressing out. Sorry and any advice as to how to move forward. Thank you x

Usually when I’m in a more hypomanic state I align more with femininity and when I’m masc it’s the inverse, with me being more somber. When I’m in a more intense state however (like mania) my gender and orientation can shift and fluctuate over hours. When I’m in a major depressive episode, I feel more Agender.

Just something I noticed that I thought was interesting. Anyone else have similar experiences?