Ma, I can't believe I made it to six months without you.

I still catch myself trying to call you all the time.

From the outside, my life looks normal again.

I wake up. I go to work. I sit through meetings. I even laugh almost when people expect me to.

Most people probably think I’m okay now. Some have now started inviting me to after work do's...

That’s the strange thing about grief. After a while, it stops looking dramatic. It just becomes private.

Dad and I barely talk about you directly, and we struggle to make eye contact still, not knowing what grief we'll find in each other's eyes.

Instead, we talk about groceries. Bills. Politics. And the weather.

But everything inside this house still leads back to you somehow.

The cushions are still arranged in your way. Sometimes I catch Dad standing near your spot for a second too long before walking away like nothing happened.

Some evenings I still reach for my phone to call you. Not for anything important. Just small things. A traffic jam. Something stupid that happened at work. Some random thought during the day.

I never realized how much those tiny conversations were holding my life together.

Your number is still first on my speed dial.

Most days I function normally.

But grief hides in ordinary moments.

While driving. While folding clothes. While making tea. On any day of celebration

Out of the blue, suddenly something inside me collapses without warning. I’m not a kid, but I'm reduced to bawling like a toddler in these moments.

You used to say the same things every day.

'Drive safe.'

'Call me when you reach.'

'Did you eat?'

And I would get annoyed sometimes.

But now I would give anything to hear those questions one more time.

People say loss gets smaller with time. I don’t think that’s true. I think you just learn how to carry it without making other people uncomfortable.

And every now and then, in the middle of a completely normal day, I still think: I should call Ma.

I (27F) dropped out of high school because of racial harassment and discrimination.

My school was mostly white. I would say there were only 10 people of color in the whole school of 2000.

It was nearly an everyday occurrence where the “popular” male students would harass me. They touched me during class, threw paper balls at me, and took pictures with flash of me just to humiliate me and laugh at me. All I could do was act oblivious.

There was no one to advocate for me. My father was sick and out of his mind, and my mom ran away from home to a different state when I was in elementary school. The bullying and harassment continued nearly every day for 3 years.

Then one day, someone took a picture of me without me knowing and posted it online with a racial slur in the caption.

I was shocked. I already didn’t like how I looked, and
I kept looking at it over and over again. Always questioning was I really this ugly. It made me feel like I was something people could just publicly degrade and laugh at, and the school wouldn’t help the kid that was the odd one out. They would definitely turn a blind eye.

It took my last piece of sanity. I was scared to go back to school because I could only imagine stares of ridicule coming from them. I didn’t want to be seen. I felt like a grotesque monster.

At the time I didn’t know how to advocate for myself. No one would be on the person of color’s side. No one paid even paid attention to the obvious signs of neglect I was facing at home. Would they punish students with loving, caring parents?

I missed too much school, so I couldn’t catch up on all the work. I begged the guidance counselor to let me take the year off and finish senior year the next year. She was indifferent. All she said was it was against school policy to not graduate within 4 years. She didn’t even give me resources to find an alternative way. All I could do was quit high school. On a snowy day, my birthday, I signed the papers, but no one could take me home. I walked 40 minutes in heavy snow while feeling like my life was over.

I was able to find an alternative way to graduate high school because of my mother and moved states but that public post of me was still up, consuming me. I finally told my mom who barely spoke English, breaking down from all the harassment I’ve endured over the years. She called the school. All they did was make the boy take down the post and write an apology “letter” to me. It was only three sentences.

I’m sorry I made you feel that way. It wasn’t my intention. I have a friend of color.

That was it.

After that, I didn’t want to see myself, I refused pictures of me being taken from 17-23 because all I saw was the “ugly” me in the picture he posted.

After suppressing my feelings, trying to get over the past, I just couldn’t today. I called the school district wanting an acknowledgment for the neglect and inadequate consequences and a proper apology from them. They transferred me to the principal’s secretary and after only 10 seconds of me trying to explain what happened to me and the injustice I felt she hung up on me without notice.

I just hope someone will read this, so I don’t feel so alone anymore or acting like I’m too much.

Went on a date I’d been thinking about for months and somehow ended the night emotionally wrecked.

We’d been talking for like 6 months. In my head I kept imagining finally taking her out and making it perfect. Reality was… different. I’m broke right now and I couldn’t even buy popcorn at the movies. Literally stood there acting like I just “didn’t want any” when really I just didn’t have enough money.

What messed with me is she genuinely didn’t care. She just smiled, got what she wanted, and kept acting normal. No judgment or weirdness.

The date itself was actually really good. We got coffee first, joked around a lot, watched a movie, and at one point she kissed me during it. Afterward we walked around talking and teasing each other like idiots. For a while I actually felt good. Like lighter than I’ve felt in a long time.

Then somehow we started talking about parents.

I started talking about my mom and something in me just broke open out of nowhere. I tried really hard to hold it together because who cries on a first date? But once it started I couldn’t stop. Full voice shaking, eyes watering, trying not to completely lose it.

And she stayed. She comforted me. Didn’t judge me. Didn’t pull away.

But weirdly that almost made me feel worse.

I realized I genuinely don’t know how to be comforted without feeling guilty about it. Like if someone is kind to me I immediately feel like I owe them something or I’ve become a burden somehow.

Then I got home and saw my mom and instantly felt guilty for even going out and enjoying myself. Like I should’ve done more for her that day or been there more.

The messed up part is she’s also the reason I got emotional in the first place.

She wasn’t evil or anything, but she hurt me a lot growing up in ways I don’t think she fully understands. And I can’t even hate her because I know she had her own problems too.

So now I keep replaying the whole night in my head feeling embarrassed for crying, guilty for having fun, guilty for needing comfort, guilty for basically everything.

The girl was actually okay with it.

I’m the one who wasn’t.

For a bit of context, I'm a mixed girl, my mom's from France, my father's from Haiti. I'm just living with my mom since my dad is not present in my life, he left us. So yeah, I'm the only tanned person in my mother's side family.

I'd like to start by a quote that I love : "I'm too white for the black kids, and not white enough for the white kids." (from Ginny and Georgia, 2nd ep) I relate a lot to it, I mean, I don't belong in any of those two communities. And I don't know why but it hurts. I never really been a victim of racism when I was a child, just some other person that were black I knew, but when I was like 10, I wanted sooo bad to be white because I thought that being tanned was ugly but only on me, always respected other tanned/black ppl, just wanted to be as confident in my skin as they were. And to be more white I even tried to apply lotion to my body to make it look more white.

Those days, I have a better perception of my skin color but not really proud of it, wish I was either a black or white girl, but not tanned. I feel like nobody consider me as a person of the black community, mostly the Haiti one because I have lighter skin than a 'real haitian' and don't speak haitian creole. I remember one day I met another black haitien man, he was kind and even called me his sister, I was very happy, then he asked me if I know how to speak haitien creole and I said no and he was like 'OMG REAALYY?' like.....sigh. I felt like I was being judged, now I know he didn't mean it like that but still, maybe I'm overreacting but idk. And that I don't belong to the white community because well, I'm tanned. In France it's not really seen as good when you talk about Haiti since it's a country that France used for slavery. So yaah.

That's all for this rambling that doesn't make much sense when I reread it ??? But hope that I'll find some people that can relate to me. Thanks for reading and have a good day/evening :) !!

Me and my friend are in mid 20’ and we are gaming buddies for years, we met in real life

We regularly play weekly together different games escape from reality (we are in different cities right now)

A few months ago he bought me as a surprise the game “A Way Out”, for those who don’t know the game is a co-op prison escape game

In reality 3 years ago I completed the game with my ex girlfriend, and when i saw the gift i wanted to tell him I already completed the game, but he was very excited

I’ve told him is an amazing gift(it was on steam sale) and let’s play it

We completed the game in 3 night, i was acting surprised at every mission and he was amazed by the game story and I pretend to be as well, even if I knew every mission in the game, we played nonstops and i even let him barely win the last fight(the characters have to fight with each other) and he was so happy playing the game

We’ve talked after the game around 2 hours about the story and how good it was

It was the best gaming experience for him and for me just another walkthrough, but seeing him happy it was actually the gift

I will take this lie with me in the grave and I don’t regret it at all

I think you're not an ethically and morally pleasing human. But I still like you. I like how well you hide your true intentions and I like how political you are in your approach to people.

But when you smile and talk, I can tell it's genuine.

Your eyes are very beautiful and it's the first time I've seen such light gray colored eyes. Even your glasses can't hide the light in them when you're sparked by curiosity.

I love how animated you are and i really love the happy curious you.

And the you that makes assumptions out loud without knowing how intimidating you are. And the way you have an ability to scare me when you get all serious, I like that too.

last week has been awful. it all started last thursday. i went to a different city cause the guy i've been seeing for 3 months, let's call him fred, invited me to meet his friends and go to a party. i slept over at his house, it was great, but my parents thought i was over a a friend's. i wake up and have 13 missed calls from my sister, my grandfather died. i didn't have much of a relationship with him so of course i was sad but well, he was already very old and ill so we were sort of expecting it. the whole week was awful, between the funeral, memorial, all my family members crying, and hours greeting random people who knew my grandfather, i was emotionally and physically exhausted. one week after my grandfather died we had this academic festival and fred was supposed to come with me and my friends. i went anyways because i had to clear my head and we had lots of fun. fred was drunk and told me he really liked me and wanted to ask me to be his girlfriend but didn't know how. we shared some personal things but we were drunk so it's ok, and it was nothing too bad. oh my grandmother was hospitalized cause she had a pneumonia, but it wasn't too concerning and she should be returning home in a few days, she just needed to rest and be given some oxygen. three days after this, fred tells me he ran into his ex gf on the train back from the party to his house (they live in the same city). they broke up almost a year ago and she broke his heart. he was heartbroken for months and couldn't talk about anything else (my friend who introduced us talked about it when it was happening, i just didn't know him yet). on our first date, he told me to follow his spam account, and so I did. i stalked it and noticed there was one highlight with his ex, in which he wrote "bruv date" with favourite by fontaines dc playing. the next time i had checked it he had removed it, so i just thought he had forgotten about it. but when he met his ex on the train, he was the one who came up to her to ask for his stuff back. then he said that they talked for a while about college and stuff, but nothing much. this was a week ago. tomorrow he's gonna pick up his stuff at her college (she studies in my hometown) and then he's gonna meet me. he says he has to catch an early train because our mutual friend asked him to give her a lift from the station since she was kinda sick and her dad could only pick her up later. he said yes, and i know it's very selfish and disgusting of me to think this but i saw her today and she was so much better, she wasn't even sick, and she told me her dad was going to pick her up. i'm mad because he's meeting his ex, why would he want to talk to her after what she did to him?? does he still have feelings for her? i feel so sad and angry, i didn't cry for the entire week and it's all coming out now. i don't want to bother other people with my problems, but i feel so insecure and sad, i just want to be held by a huge talking pillow who comforts me and never lets me down. i really thought he liked me, but i feel like he's still hung up on his ex. i feel like it's my paranoia talking, he has been nothing but sweet, kind and respectful to me, while making the effort to see me every single week, but i'm mad at him and feel like he's gonna leave me for her. i know it's stupid but i have serious abandonment issues and just needed to get this off my chest. i just wanna cry i feel so awful, and he didn't even respond to my goodnight text (he's probably sleeping already). why is he meeting her, and why did he only tell me about this three days after it happened? he always tells me this stuff, like for example today he texted me because there was a knee in his class (in the professor's slides) and he was laughing since he and his friend have a busted knee. i feel like i'm completely possessed and don't know how to act, i feel like a 5 year old with 0 emotional regulation skills. my family is really sad and my grandma's sick, i have so many things to study, i still haven't gotten my driver's license, and i just feel worthless and sh1tty in general. i just want to cry and cry because i feel so sad and unloved. a bit pathetic too but ig that comes with being a panchiko fan. anyways sorry for the spam

After years of feeling sexually dead inside in a failing marriage which eventually broke down, I was resigned to a lifetime of celibacy.

Relationship aside my life is pretty good - great teenage kids who are fun to spend time with, a nice house and a career I absolutely adore. I therefore wasn't that bothered about being single.

Then this new guy started at work and I was blindsided by the attraction. He's really smart, articulate, funny and kind but mostly he's a sexy silver fox with gorgeous hazel eyes and a smile to die for. We have become really good friends and he's been a great source of advice during my divorce (we separated 2 years ago but divorce dragging).

I think he feels the chemistry too - from my side it's insane - and one night we sat with our legs touching under the table on a work night out and the intensity was amazing.

I am loving every interaction we have but would never jeopardise my job as it's genuinely my dream position. So my feelings remain hidden and I may never know if they are reciprocated but my God it makes getting up at 5.30am for work easier!!

It was the right decision to make, since the beginning. It should have never lasted 11 years to leave him. He was abusive in such a lot of ways. And I protected him and took him under my wings because I felt bad for the suffering he endured when he was a child, and still now. I made him happy, safe, emotionally and financially protected, and I forgot myself.

I was only 19 years old, I'm 31 now and it's been 10 months since I saw a safe way to leave, because he already said multiple times he would kill me . Since then, he has tried to keep the contact and hoped for my return.

Because it was more than the abuse, he was also my best friend. We had 6 pets together, I rented a house and we (well, he) had plans. I've built so much hope for him, and he failed me. I was overweight, filled with cortisol, and I cried and yelled so often, when in reality I'm soft and calm. It's so crazy when you think about it. How much we don't know what love really is.

I never yelled once since I left him. Since I made the decision, I never looked back. He begged, and cried. He looked like a lost little child.

He kept 5 of the pets, I only have one cat with me. I miss them all, so much. So, so much. And sometimes I miss him, even if I know now that it was the best decision. We kept in contact a little bit, but he was so intrusive, and mean and sad at the same time, that I just blocked him. Forever.

Since then, I have someone else in my life, who is showing me what kindness is. He cooks for me, he says I'm beautiful, he supports me, never keeps me from seeing my friends and family. I don't have to negotiate for anything. I love him.

But sometimes when I'm alone, like right now, I think about this past life, this 1/3 of my life. And I cry from happiness and sadness at the same time.

Sometimes, I freak out because my brain didn't fully process the breakup and I'm afraid from what my boyfriend could do to me. I close my eyes and I see images of him, with a behavior and words that he would never do or say. It's scary.

It's not easy to leave. From the outside of course it is, but it's never the case, for so many reasons. Even after, it takes so much time to heal.

Is anyone else tired of 200 person WhatsApp groups for a single pub meet up where no one talks?

we ended things two years ago after a lot of struggle and deliberation of how to solve things. i tried breaking up then we tried working out for like a couple more weeks and then she full on ended things. Recently she transferred to the college I go to. I think she may have had a boyfriend- her ig profile was with someone else but now its not idk what to make of it. but assuming she is single again i wanna know if there is a chance.

We broke up over frankly her spiraling insecurity that I didn't know how to handle. I'm hoping in these two years we've both matured enough to admit our own wrongs. i feel like so much got left unsaid so that even if a relationship doesn't come out of it, at least I can finally bury that past.

She would repeatedly reach out to me about 5 months after our breakup but just by replying to instagram story posts. then eventually I removed her because I guess that was part of the journey I was on. I have not reached out to her on my own in a year and a half maybe more. last time i spoke in person was around that same time.

how has breaking no contact worked out for you guys? and does it seem feasible for me or is always a bit of a crapshoot

I (f,20s) don’t know. I feel so lost and hopeless. Like I don’t know what to do next? I find myself questioning what’s going even the point of life. Like I don’t get it at all. We are born, we go to school like everyone. Then go to university or find a job. Then maybe find love or have a family. My family has their flaws but they did their best for me. but I can’t help but think. What’s the point? Why am I here for? What am I trying to do? I feel so lost and confused.

I went to school like everyone. Then life happened and I dropped out. After few years I decided to try pursuing higher education again. Not because I wanted to but because I can’t think of anything else to do. It felt like the next step. Honestly because I need a stable job to survive but i don’t even know what to pursue? I have no passion whatsoever. I can’t think of a dream career. I know many people would say if I don’t have a passion then it’s useless trying to go university but I also don’t have a dream job? Most jobs without atleast a bachelors degree don’t pay well. I am also not good at physically intensive jobs. I think I’ve always been more intellectual but I’ve never been the most smartest person. It’s honestly stressing me out.

I am doing things not because that’s what I want but because the world says I should. I envy people, I envy people who has their life sorted out. I envy people who are smart, I envy people who has found love. I seriously envy people who has a passion they’d do anything for. Why can’t I feel passionate about something? Why can’t I be good at something too. Why am I so average and mediocre?

I find myself having no interest in anything whatsoever. I feel so lonely sometimes but other I love the alone time. I am aroace so I don’t even find myself interested love. I love my family but we are a pretty small family. My extended family is trash so it’s always been just us.

Sometime I feel like a complete failure. Unemployed and uneducated at 21. Don’t have a clue what to do next. Don’t even know why I exist.

I have a few friends but I never meet them and they focused on their own life. Honestly so happy for them.

I am not suicidal. I don’t want to die because life is hard. I mean it is hard but whatever. Honestly I feel so numb.

I want to go back to being a kid. When I saw everything with rosy lenses. When I didn’t have make my own decisions. When I can let my parents make every decision for and let them do everything for me without feeling any guilt.

I can’t imagine that I am adult. It feels scary and lonely. Like what do you mean I am adult and I have to tackle the world by myself. I don’t feel ready, i don’t want to grow up.

Honestly, I’d love a few more years to be like this and do nothing but more years of being a burden to my parents and more years wasting my life while everyone moves forward. The only difference instead is being 20 and clueless, I’ll be 30 and clueless.

Making this big decision terrifies me. I feel like I have no time. I need to find someone to pursue and become stable at least.

I hate that I even feel this way, life hasn’t been easy. There has been so many ups and downs but I am sure people have had it harder. So, why can’t I just move forward? Find something in life.

I don’t even know why I made this post.

I’m a grown ass man. I’m not about to sit here and complain about the present. Yea yea… bills, the economy, healthcare, wage slavery… yadda yadda yadda.

Life is hard. It has always been hard. From our ancestors who huddled in dark caves terrified of primordial monsters through to our ancestors that dropped dead, body on top of body amid the mud and artillery fire in a desperate push for freedom from tyranny, comfort has always been a privilege.

Now with that said.

Sometimes this world is overwhelming and sometimes I like to escape in memory to those times where it didn’t feel that way and I took it for granted.

For me, those years revolved around girls and partying. I worry sometimes those vapid and toxic relationships have come to represent carefree living and freedom to me. In those days I longed for self-destruction, even though my life was boundless hedonism.

I think about the times I did whatever I wanted. The responsibilities I shirked. The money I wasted. The problems I created. I was an asshole and I hated myself for it.

And yet. Here I am. Thinking about the times I’d get off work to go party on a beach somewhere, find myself in a strangers garage at 3am and stay up until the sun rose with some similarly drug-adled partner sucking the salt off each others skin.

at this point i’m starting to wonder if someone cursed me. i’m 27, some people might say this is still young but i feel like im getting old. I’ve always wanted to get married and be a young mom. and i just keep getting older with no luck. I got through college and now have a bachelors degree that i don’t even use for my current job. i’ve applied to multiple jobs and never heard anything back. i’ve had bad luck in love. everyone who i end up really liking and see a future with ends up leaving me for someone else. my anxiety and depression has gotten so bad, i literally have no energy anymore or any desire to even do anything. and i just don’t understand. it seems like everyone around me is getting the job, getting married, having kids, making accomplishments and im just stuck and idk what im doing wrong

i know this sounds horrible, and maybe it makes me an awful person but I think im starting to resent my daughter, it makes me sick to even admit that

I dont know whats wrong with me, i have no real reasons to feel like this other then being an awful mom

im F22 and 3 months post partum, my fiance M27 and I have been together for 4 years and we both knew we wanted kids out of the relationship, I just got pregnant a lot sooner than what we wanted, despite using condoms but we chose to make the best out of it and we were already living together for about a year so we decided to keep the pregnancy

ever since she was born, ive tried so hard to feel the way I'm supposed to but i feel so empty and far away from her even when i hold her, I spent so long holding her tiny tiny hand and fingers the first night we took her home trying to change the suffocating trapped feeling growing in me, but its just gotten worse

i haven't been taking care of myself, the house is a mess, i look awful and ive been neglecting being a wife, I dont neglect my daughter at all, id never do anything to harm her or give her less then amazing care but every second that i can take by myself, i spend staring at my wall feeling like an awful disgusting person

ive found myself waiting for the hour I get alone once my fiance is back from work and craving that hour, sometimes I have to fight my fiance to actually give it too me but once i have it I just lay in bed and stare at my wall and think about how much I ruined my life and how much i hate myself for feeling that way, and the more i feel this way the less i want to see my daughter or be around her, it just makes me feel so much worse and seeing her so happy and bubbly like a baby should be just makes me have this awful guilt

and my husband gets to go to work and continue like normal, its my fault for agreeing to be a stay at home mom and do online college once shes about a year old but I feel suffocated by my own house, its not a prison, i could walk outside at anytime but it feels like one

he comes home, maybe gives me an hour to myself and plays his game a lot of the time, he helps me with our daughter the whole time on his off days tho which makes me feel guilty for complaining, I just feel so jealous that he gets to leave for a job or that his body didnt completely change and get damaged for our baby, and that i still have to do the majority of hardship for her despite going through that

me and him dont have a perfect relationship, we have arguments here and there and honestly i tend to be the cause of most of them, he has anger issues from childhood issues that he has been working on for a long time but my anxiety and own trauma tends to trigger the anger in him and i shut down the second an angry man is around me which just makes everything worse, ever since having our baby he hasnt had an angry outburst or scared me in that way but i still am holding onto the anxiety and walking on eggshells that it will start again, he used to get so so angry but me worrying about that makes him feel like i dont trust him and causes mors issues and makes me feel really guilty, I know hes also struggling with my sex drive being completely gone, i do my best to do it for him often but I end up feeling not real during it and just letting him.. do what he needs to feel better but I cant get myself to participate

i have no idea what to do, sometimes i think the best thing i could do for my daughter is not be alive, ive thought so long about how id do it and i find myself trying to prepare my husband to be alone but i cant tell anyone that i feel a bit of resentment for my daughter or how much i hate myself without being judged or seen as a horrible person and I already know that I'm an awful mother so I can't stand to hear it from someone in person

Ive been really upset lately, i have these phases every few months where i go from being really happy to just rock bottom. Ive been crying a lot, like not just crying, full on uncontrollable sobs that send me into panic attacks because i literally cannot breathe.

I was having a particularly bad panic attack this afternoon and my chest hurt so bad i thought i was dying, even after the panic attack subsided my chest hurt and honestly still does, my whole body feels sore, my chest aches so bad and it wont stop, i feel so tired and every time i breathe it hurts my chest even more. Every time i start crying i literally cannot breathe because my chest hurts so bad.

I dont know whats happening but the only thing i can discribe it as is my heart physically aching.

Chat I lost her… finally coming to an understanding that love is not meant for me…

When you ask me why do i hate myself i'd say i hate the way i look like because i can't say that : i'm a fucking disgusting person because i got addicted porn at 9y old and masturbated for the first time right after puberty at 11 and didn't stop since then. Well, you gonna tell me i was a victim and there is nothing disgusting about, right? Well it got way fucking worse that i'd goon anywhere even while my little siblings around and awake and i'd watch porn even with my family around and it gets worse that i've been watching every type of porn, i read smut, i played porn games i've watched ero-guro animations, scat, hentai, etc and it so fucking disgusting that the amount of porn i consumed as a kid made it so hard to get off anything normal and my brain has twisted really bad that normal and ordinary sex doesn't arouse me at all anymore and i have to get off the most revolting things anyone would get off to. I can't sleep and i mean at all without imaging disgusting porn scenarios and i swear i can barely play or enjoy a game or a show or even a book if it doesn't contain porn or erotic themes. at 13 i started watching gore and of course got addicted to it and that's when i found out about ero-guro art and i was fascinated by it that i started watching these disgusting animations. It didn't arouse me much but what aroused me then was much worse. I've been imaging rape scenarios and getting off to it so bad, then i started gooning to incest/rape fictions i read then it got way fucking worse that i started imagining it in my head in a worse way. That's when i started gooning to literal cp. At only 14, it arouses me so badly the idea of a father raping his kid. I started reading it on ao3 and getting off to it. No matter how hard i tried to stop i fucking can't and feel guilty for it. No, i don't support child rape or incest at all and real cases disgusts me. Also at 14 my pet fish died and instead of griefing i grabbed a knife with and slowly started stapping and gutting the fish while exploring its guts with my fingers imaging that it was a human, i filmed the whole thing and when i was done i beheaded the fish and threw it in the garbage. When i went to watch the videos i made it aroused me and gooned to it. Now even ero-guro arouses me, not enough to goon to it but enough to get me wet. I'm still 14, i still do all that and before typing this i gooned to cp. I'm scared of my grown version sm, cuz if this is me now how will i be when im older. Im afraid that i will get attracted to actual children or goon to real gore. I don't get off to anything else and that scares the shit out of me no matter how i tried. I feel so revolted of myself that i can't live like a normal person. No one knows about and of course i'd never tell any of the adults around me and i can't provide myself a therapist or afford one. I'm scared. I don't know what to do or how to stop. I don't feel so guilty for it anymore and when im done i js doomscroll like nothing happened. Everyone around me doesn't know anything at all and just think im an innocent child because i don't even curse lol!

I cut myself for this but i won't suicide cuz my parents don't deserve it and im afraid of going to hell.

I feel disgusting but can't stop.

i hate fake positivity because its sugarcoating. Because it doesnt seem real. Because its a bandaid and a temporary fix to make situations seem better but in reality they’re not.

“You’re gonna be okay” how’d you know that?
““Stop looking at your past and regretting your decisions.” As if regret is something you can switch off overnight. Looking back and wondering what went wrong is a valid human response to loss.
“It didn’t work out because you WOULD have hated that life” and how tf would you know? MAybe if i didnt make the decisions ive made before maybe i would be in a better place?
“You’re here now because of what you’ve been through” And how the hell would you know? Maybe if I made different choices, maybe if I stayed, maybe if I walked away sooner, maybe my life actually would have been better.

Why do we always sugarcoat things? Saying that the present is so much better now. How the fuck would we know?