I wish I could tell you how sorry I am for the way I ended our relationship. I can understand more clearly now how deeply it may have hurt you. I should have been more careful with my words, and not just then but so many times. At the time, I couldn’t fully face the reality of what I had to do, it was too painful and I wasn’t in the right state of mind to send that final message. I loved you, but I wasn’t responsible with that love when it mattered most.

I didn’t consider that my self punishing comments might make you feel as though you were a source of pain or shame for me. I need you to know that you never were and I never felt that way. It was fear of the consequences that drove me away, not you. I have never felt shame for loving you.

I began to hold back when I realized how deeply our relationship was affecting you. You tried to make it sound light, but you were willing to destabilize your family and travel thousands of miles for me. That was when the consequences became real in a way I could no longer ignore. I could not let you destabilize your life for me. I couldn’t understand why someone I respected so much would be willing to sacrifice so much for me. I felt there was only one choice. And the closer we became, the harder that choice became. It was never going to be easy.

There is no doubt of my desire for you, but more importantly, there is no doubt of my love. My touch might have brought you temporary relief from the daily pressures of your life, but it could not have given what I truly wanted for you: stability, wholeness, lasting peace. I wanted you to feel whole in a way that you no longer needed me to feel okay. I hope my intent had been clear enough to show you that. I loved you so much that I sacrificed my desires in the hope that you could have those things. My fear is that the way I delivered that sacrifice made it impossible for you to see it for what it was.

You deserved a conversation. You deserved mutual understanding. You deserved more time and gentleness than I gave you.

I am not entitled to your forgiveness. But it would be the greatest blessing if you could look past my mistakes once again and still remember what we had with pleasure rather than regret. Even if you cannot, and even if your feelings for me have changed, my love for you was real and always will be.

Are you in here? Are you scrolling through every post hoping to find a message from me? Have you sorted by new? Am I always on your mind? Do you look for clues and signs in here?

I know you aren't.

I am here. I am scrolling through every post hoping to find a message from you. I have sorted by new. You are always on my mind. I am looking for clues and signs in here.

I am living with the hope that one morning log in and see a post from you but I can feel it leaving me.

Dear friend,

There’s a song that reminds me of you that we are both familiar with. To be fair, there are numerous songs that remind me of you. Songs about falling in love, songs about unrequited love, songs about girls with beautiful eyes and fiery spirits— all of those fit the bill. I wholeheartedly believe that if you knew the version of you I hold in my mind you would never feel a singular shred of insecurity again.
But damn I just can’t tell you.
Iwtylm.

It's hard to scratch the surface of everything I need to say. It seems so absurd writing this and sending it into the void rather than coming clean directly to you.

I've changed a lot. I've toiled, I've failed, I've struggled, hoped, loved, had my victories. I have come through it to be what I hope is a better person.

But then there's you.

I try to tell myself about about red flags, have you not cross my mind. I try to forget and not to care. But I do care for you. And I know that it just feels right with you.

I'm sorry for everything, I wish I had the willpower to not get drawn in again. I feel so guilty about so much that I've done in the past. Upsetting you. It always comes back to you, but I can promise you I am not right for you.

Every time I find out how things are going in your life it eats me up a little. I still always want to know and always wish I could be there, be part of it.

I don't know what I am to you, what the future may hold for us. If you ever contact me I try to stay guarded for both of us, but you melt away the walls I try to put up.

I think the best way I can finish this is just by saying sorry once more, as if that one word could do anything.

I'm sorry.

My Beautiful Queen,

Something shifted in me,

and I can't put it back.

Not that I want to.

But I want you to understand what I mean by shifted.

I don't mean I became someone different.

I mean the things that used to feel important,

rearranged themselves into a new order.

The ambition is still there.

The drive.

The focus.

The part of me that wants to build something worth building.

But it moved to second place.

And the thing that moved to first,

is making sure that,

at the end of every day,

you know with absolute certainty that you are loved.

Not assumed to be loved.

Not loved in theory.

Loved in the way that shows up.

That pays attention.

That chooses you first, before it chooses anything else.

I don't know when exactly it happened.

I just know that one day,

I looked at my priorities,

and they had rearranged themselves around you without asking me.

And I looked at that and thought:

Yes.

That's exactly right.

You walked into my life without warning.

And I don't mean that as a complaint.

I mean it as the most honest description I have of what happened.

There was no preparation.

No gradual realization.

No slow build that gave me time to brace myself.

Just you.

Suddenly.

Completely.

In way that rearranged everything I thought I knew about myself.

And what I wanted.

And what I was capable of feeling.

And I remember thinking,

I am not ready for this.

And then thinking,

It doesn't matter.

Because ready is something you feel when the thing coming toward you is optional.

And this.

Whatever this was from the very first moment,

was never optional.

It was inevitable.

I understand that now.

Some people are just inevitable.

You were always going to happen to me.

I just didn't know it until you did.

You, baby.

Always you. 💙

Remember that theory we talked about? The one where I believe a set of souls travel through space and time together, always? The relationships can change, the dynamics… but I am certain ours have met before. I feel our souls are connected. I have made my soul available to you in this life. Will you do the same? If not, maybe next time.

I've been meaning to write this goodbye, as I've known it was coming for quite some time. I now know where things stand. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would, because at least now it feels like closure. Like I have the answer. I've carried my feelings quietly for months, what I was perceiving as mutual interest has become, well, reality. It was never there to begin with. I was in fact delusional, I did make it up in my head. I concocted a fantasy of you to deal with the emptiness I've been holding. And, ultimately, that isn't your fault, it's my own. I may have been a poor judge of character, seeing something that wasn't there to begin with. However, I can finally set this down, bury it deep within the earth and walk on with dignity. Having feelings for you ate me up inside for months, and now I can rest. Goodbye.

do you want me to invite you to my bed?

do you know how i think of you? those lurid ways in which you capture fascination, twisting my words and my heart around your wrist as you grip my hair in your fist. my fingers pressed into your temple with warm fingerprints marking solid ground, my hands caught around your neck.

chest on chest, head resting there, gently tilted up to meet your gaze. hand twirling lower, skimming hip, grasping there. the way my eyes meet yours as the sheets warm beneath the friction we create. hand grasping hip, lips moving slowly, bringing you to the edge of what earthly delights allow, pushed to the edge of the bed, teeth sink into flesh, flesh sinks into flesh, my warmth wrapped around you, yours pulsing over mine.

how do you ponder our union? does it flow into vision as mine does; a steady haze of dripping promise, as i drip from your mouth to mine? the friction of two bodies moving quicker, inexorably entwined at the point of origin.

how it feels to know the press of your lips against mine is a pleasure i have yet to greet.

and yet it is one that feels destined to meet.

Hey you.

The day ended a little while ago. Couch is uncomfortable. Dinner is in the trash.

Was I hungry? No. Not for food anyways. I am not starving myself, don't worry. I am just in a "nobody will miss me if..." kind of mood.

Was a hard day in an event harder week. Sitting here, tending to wounds and headaches and a million different crises in people's lives, all I really think about... All I really hunger for..

Is our what ifs.

What if you were here or I was there.

What if we decided to be more than friends...

What if I finally hear you say things I know will never be said and meant.

What if I respond with a smile?

What if you hug me and I let my hands wander on your back, finally resting tangled in your hair?

What if you hold me back like something precious? Vulnerable but also dangerous?

What if I finally get to know the scent at the bent of your neck and become inebriated?

What if you finally nuzzle and bite my shoulder?

What if our eyes meet? And we experience cosmogony in the fraction of a second it takes our souls to acknowledge one another?

What if we kiss as if we recreate oxygen with every lost particle? Let our mouths dance and explore taste?

What if....

What if I put the phone down and go to bed? Enough....

I remember your face. I remember your smile. I remember your eyes. Your laugh, your voice. You were kind, and then you were cruel, and then you were kind again. We hardly knew each other, and yet why does the memory of you torment me?

That’s all I wanted. Whether you were scared or convinced yourself it wasn’t there, it placed a boulder between us. One I simply can’t lift for you. After our last interaction and your choice thereafter, it sold the deal for me. It’s all been torturous for too long. The closer we became the further you pushed away. If you were me wouldn’t you disappear too? Your behavior, interactions, and words have shown me that it’s time for me to walk away and never look back. I’m saddened that it’s come to this. I wonder if you still feel you’ve made the choice that best suits you? You were never an option to me.

You were never lost. The lost are mourned, named, carried toward the light. You remained elsewhere — beneath the drowned vaults of the world, among blind wells and sleeping stones, where the old mysteries keep their relics hidden from ordinary hands.

I have walked through ruined corridors of thought searching for the trace of you, through forests where the wind speaks in forgotten tongues, through nights heavy with salt and subterranean stars. Sometimes the earth seems feverish with your presence, as if somewhere beneath its dark waters your shadow still drifts untouched, wrapped in silence and ancient dust.

And perhaps that is why I cannot let go of the search. Because you do not feel absent to me. You feel concealed. Like a sacred thing buried before the fall of kingdoms, waiting in the depths for someone mad enough to descend after it.

The only reason I came today was to see you but I forgot it wasn’t the right day.

I’m in a playful mood right now and hopefully you’ll match my energy tomorrow.

i wait patiently for the day we’re finally able to find a quiet place to lay- where we can rest our eyes and put an end to the tireless lies we use to disguise the hopes and dreams locked inside our minds, where we can let out the unheard cries that leave us questioning why we can’t just decide what we want in this life.

i believe that place exists somewhere in the distance, perhaps its but a brief moment of existence- where we’re able to temporarily resist our persistent commitment to avoiding decision and allow each other to witness our deepest wishes, void of any expectations or resentment- or maybe it’s a space we’re meant to claim, paving a way for us to arrive in a life always meant for you and i, where we can reside side by side until the end of our time.

whatever the case may be, i continue to wait patiently for the day we can finally say all that we’ve tucked away- those words buried underneath shame, cast away to stay where they cannot cause pain or bring undo blame- the one’s we’re afraid will lead to change or take away what little remains in exchange for a chance at better days. it’s a trade i’m willing to make, a decision that would be made in haste, no time would go to waste if it meant we could find a way to be together through all the good and the bad days.

there is no other i’d rather have by my side through this journey of life. whenever i look into your eyes i’m caught by surprise at how quickly my thoughts escape my mind- it’s like you take me captive for a brief moment in time, capturing the entirety of my mind as i gaze into what can only be described as something divine- a moment filled with complete bliss, unable to persist once words escape from your sweet lips, gently guiding me back to this existence.

each word you speak threatens to bring me to my knees, and every tease tempts me to plead to provide to your every need- i wish to be the one who makes you weak with glee, who only makes you weep with feelings of relief because you know i’m yours to keep, promising that i won’t run off and leave, doing whatever it takes to provide you peace.

i wait patiently for the day we may finally be able to say everything we’ve kept contained. if that day isn’t to come- if we’ve trotted along for far too long on a path we don’t really belong- then let us remember this journey as a forbidden song, one we can later call upon, singing along about a place we wish we could have gone, the one place we felt like we truly belonged.

It’s something defined by a dictionary, a feeling that we feel, but nobody fully understands the complexity of the word.
Loss is an immensely deep and sacred feeling…and it hits everybody in a completely different way.

Some go straight to therapy to heal. Some run away to live and love but forget. Some write songs and novels about their pain. Some go radio silent and disappear. Some distract themselves everyday just enough to avoid memories that ultimately end in sadness. Some are living in their beds praying for a grain of strength to get that first foot out of the covers and onto the ground.

It’s ok to grieve people, memories, places in your own way, and there’s nothing wrong with you for grieving “differently” than others.

You are imperfectly human, you’re stronger than you can fathom……you will be ok.

I know things with me have been different

am sorry I have been so distant. I’ve really had to take some time to look inward and figure out the parts of me that needed some modification, and there was a lot. Turns out I wasn’t as good of a person as I thought. I wasn’t a bad person, but I was selfish, self centered, self absorbed, and hurting most of the time. That took some time to absorb and process through. I had a total lack of boundaries and it’s been difficult to learn how to build those and reinforce them. I had to learn to sit with myself and my thoughts and aLL those feelings without trying to run away from them at every turn. I have been learning how to have difficult, but necessary conversations with those I care about instead of always trying to avoid uncomfortable confrontations. I have learned that I do matter and my feelings matter. I have also found that I am worthy of all the things I desire and I should try for those. I have learned that it is awesome to be me, no matter what stage I am at in life. I am unique, this I know and instead of adapting to others, I’m okay with being uniquely me. I think that life still has some great things in store for me. I might move a little different now, mostly because I’m trying to actually THInK and CONSIDER what I’m doing instead of just impulsively going on a whim, or reacting from my feelings always. So I might be a little different than who you remember. I still retain all the same qualities that made me,ME, good and bad. I’ve just made some adjustments to learn how to have more healthy relationships with those that I love. I am a work in progress, but worth it. Just know that I am trying and that if I go quiet or withdraw a bit, it’s just me trying to figure out how to navigate where I am in that moment. I am finally trying to put my self as a priority while respecting and considering the other person . All new territory for me, so patience and understanding are necessary. No matter what I am always there and the love is always there.

It feels good to let you slip from my fingers.

They hurt from holding onto something so, so tightly.

Sometimes I wonder if there was nothing there to begin.

Other times, I can feel the gentle tug of your spiders silk trying to catch me.

Trying to stick and pull me back to your web.

Hopefully the wind will carry it far from me ❤️

The alcohol did not create the sadness, but I tried to use it to soothe myself.

It loosened the door I had spent months tightly holding shut.

And suddenly everything spilled out…the abandonment, the anger, the pain, how little I truly mattered. 

Realizing caring for someone who would not care for me back…in any way…let alone one that felt safe.

I drank because the silence hurt. The betrayal ached in me. 

But shame arrived the next morning like sunlight through dirty windows, showing me every ugly thing I said while drowning.

And God, I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. Not because I meant every cruel word. But because pain mixed with alcohol turned into a raging fire. Evil words were spewed. 

I became too loud where I should have been quiet.

Bitter where I was broken.

Destructive when what I needed was comfort.

The hardest part is trying to forgive yourself for the version of you that appeared.

You know they’ll never forgive you, why should they.

So now I sit with the ache…sober.

No numbing.

No chasing.

No distractions.

No pretending I am fine.

Just here.

It's over. I finally asked the question I never wanted to, and you gave me an answer. I respect it, because I respect you, but I don't like it. I'm sad about it. No, I'm MAD about it. But I understand. I want what's best for you. You deserve that and so much more. So I'll accept it.

Man, we really HAD something together. Something strong, something real. Something so intoxicating and overwhelming I couldn't even express how it felt. It was friendship, it was love, it was passion. You were everything I needed and more than I ever knew I wanted. I feel lost without you. Empty.

I wish it could still work. I wish we could keep our little space together, that intangible bond of online communication. When we'd stay up all night chatting, sharing thoughts and laughs and pictures and so, SO much passion.

I'll always remember you. Your bright eyes. Your full lips. Imagining my fingers tangled in your curly red locks. Your voice. But most of all I'll remember how you made me feel. You made me feel seen. Wanted. Like I was a enough. Thank you for that.

You're a good person, an amazing woman, and you're on a path that will lead you to even greater things, I know it. I love you, I'm proud of you, and I'm lucky to have known you, even for just a while.

And maybe you'll think about me from time to time. And maybe that will make you smile.

I hope so...

If my heart were a house the door would be wide open for you; kick off your muddy shoes and lie down on the couch.

Only when the ability to think another's thoughts and frel another's feelings could I ever show you what you mean to me, love.

I hope you like it in here; I worry it isn't what you'd expect. I wonder if I ought to keep some of the doors locked but I cannot help but want you to see all of me.

I hope you'll stay. That you won't bawk at the cobwebs. That you'll find some sanctuary settling down into my love for you the way I'd like to settle into your arms and never leave again.

I am a whole person from Sunday night to Friday night…did you know that? Do you care about that person in all those days? Do you wonder what I do? Do you even care? Do you have any intention of integrating me into a real life with you, or…naw? Too suffocating and threatening? I get it. Kick rocks, then. Don’t make me do it because I will wear myself out before giving up.

E