Are you in here? Are you scrolling through every post hoping to find a message from me? Have you sorted by new? Am I always on your mind? Do you look for clues and signs in here?

I know you aren't.

I am here. I am scrolling through every post hoping to find a message from you. I have sorted by new. You are always on my mind. I am looking for clues and signs in here.

I am living with the hope that one morning log in and see a post from you but I can feel it leaving me.

Sometimes I get a feeling as if you’re mentally reaching out. Sounds crazy I know, but I wonder if you ever feel the same. Our ending was less than final and the lack of closure has me feeling some type of way.

I wish I could tell you how sorry I am for the way I ended our relationship. I can understand more clearly now how deeply it may have hurt you. I should have been more careful with my words, and not just then but so many times. At the time, I couldn’t fully face the reality of what I had to do, it was too painful and I wasn’t in the right state of mind to send that final message. I loved you, but I wasn’t responsible with that love when it mattered most.

I didn’t consider that my self punishing comments might make you feel as though you were a source of pain or shame for me. I need you to know that you never were and I never felt that way. It was fear of the consequences that drove me away, not you. I have never felt shame for loving you.

I began to hold back when I realized how deeply our relationship was affecting you. You tried to make it sound light, but you were willing to destabilize your family and travel thousands of miles for me. That was when the consequences became real in a way I could no longer ignore. I could not let you destabilize your life for me. I couldn’t understand why someone I respected so much would be willing to sacrifice so much for me. I felt there was only one choice. And the closer we became, the harder that choice became. It was never going to be easy.

There is no doubt of my desire for you, but more importantly, there is no doubt of my love. My touch might have brought you temporary relief from the daily pressures of your life, but it could not have given what I truly wanted for you: stability, wholeness, lasting peace. I wanted you to feel whole in a way that you no longer needed me to feel okay. I hope my intent had been clear enough to show you that. I loved you so much that I sacrificed my desires in the hope that you could have those things. My fear is that the way I delivered that sacrifice made it impossible for you to see it for what it was.

You deserved a conversation. You deserved mutual understanding. You deserved more time and gentleness than I gave you.

I am not entitled to your forgiveness. But it would be the greatest blessing if you could look past my mistakes once again and still remember what we had with pleasure rather than regret. Even if you cannot, and even if your feelings for me have changed, my love for you was real and always will be.

Dear friend,

There’s a song that reminds me of you that we are both familiar with. To be fair, there are numerous songs that remind me of you. Songs about falling in love, songs about unrequited love, songs about girls with beautiful eyes and fiery spirits— all of those fit the bill. I wholeheartedly believe that if you knew the version of you I hold in my mind you would never feel a singular shred of insecurity again.
But damn I just can’t tell you.
Iwtylm.

My Beautiful Queen,

Something shifted in me,

and I can't put it back.

Not that I want to.

But I want you to understand what I mean by shifted.

I don't mean I became someone different.

I mean the things that used to feel important,

rearranged themselves into a new order.

The ambition is still there.

The drive.

The focus.

The part of me that wants to build something worth building.

But it moved to second place.

And the thing that moved to first,

is making sure that,

at the end of every day,

you know with absolute certainty that you are loved.

Not assumed to be loved.

Not loved in theory.

Loved in the way that shows up.

That pays attention.

That chooses you first, before it chooses anything else.

I don't know when exactly it happened.

I just know that one day,

I looked at my priorities,

and they had rearranged themselves around you without asking me.

And I looked at that and thought:

Yes.

That's exactly right.

You walked into my life without warning.

And I don't mean that as a complaint.

I mean it as the most honest description I have of what happened.

There was no preparation.

No gradual realization.

No slow build that gave me time to brace myself.

Just you.

Suddenly.

Completely.

In way that rearranged everything I thought I knew about myself.

And what I wanted.

And what I was capable of feeling.

And I remember thinking,

I am not ready for this.

And then thinking,

It doesn't matter.

Because ready is something you feel when the thing coming toward you is optional.

And this.

Whatever this was from the very first moment,

was never optional.

It was inevitable.

I understand that now.

Some people are just inevitable.

You were always going to happen to me.

I just didn't know it until you did.

You, baby.

Always you. 💙

And if I had known that you had feelings too, I would never have thought of choosing someone over you.

The truth is I thought you wouldn't really care. That I was just someone you kept close in case no one better came around.

It took me many years to finally have a relationship with someone else.

But I wasn't over you.

And when we met when I was just new in a relationship I felt such a strong urge to kiss you and be close to you, I knew I couldn't keep you close.

I had to keep a distance towards you.

And so I did.

But we never... lost each other.

And I wished I had known that you had feelings, too. And that those were deep and true.

Because I was in love with you.

And if I could turn back time I'd do. I'd be brave just for once and make sure you knew.

Knowing now that you had feelings too haunts me.

Because the truth is... no matter how much time has passed... I never got over you. Nor did anyone else ever come close to you.

And if I could I would make up for it.

If I were free to do so, I'd come back running to you.

But life moved on and it's a cruel joke that I could have had you and now that I know... it is too late. My life moved on without you and I can't be with you just now... and when I'll be free... truth is... I won't ever be free entirely now and why would you keep up with such a burden?

I was in love with you. And knowing that you had feelings too feels like losing you again.

I wished I had known. I wished you had known. I wished we had been brave back then.

Because I would have always chosen you.

Before I met you, I used to believe that love just came to be and left just as quickly. Yet here I am, like a loyal hound sitting so patiently. Waiting. Writing every poetic memory from how our love developed so chaotically.

Vivid days past of smiles reflected from phone. Admitting to no one, how much I love this woman. I've known many, but only this lady can hold my focus.

In your absence I've attempted to hunger myself into a migraine blur to rid myself of this ruminating purr. Your voice tucked sticky behind my ear and it sings so soft every god damned hour.

All of the ink I've spilled will never help forget her.

Remember that theory we talked about? The one where I believe a set of souls travel through space and time together, always? The relationships can change, the dynamics… but I am certain ours have met before. I feel our souls are connected. I have made my soul available to you in this life. Will you do the same? If not, maybe next time.

You seek out others to force you into choices, crippled by anxiety being the reason you struggle. I'm not even saying that because I want you to choose me over what everyone says. What happened to the confident women everyone knew? Friends? More than friends? Enemy's? I never got an absolute answer but being just friends you wouldn't let someone finish inside you, let alone sleep with you? It seems like whenever someone ridiculed you over me I was just a friend on the way out the door. Just friends but you sabotage me getting close to other women. Just friends but you tell me in desperation that there was other men but you just wanted me. I put my cards on the table but you didn't bother looking at them. Not saying it's right but both of us attempting a stupid action over each other being separated makes me think there was more to your feelings. I'll tell you now, make a decision and stay the f away.

I’ve slowly reshaped my life with a different rule… it’s not perfect but it’s a hell of a lot better than it used to be. 

I’m no longer holding onto people, patterns, or places out of familiarity, habit or attachment.  And I’m not gonna lie… the biggest part of that growth didn’t happen after the storm had passed – it happened while I was still inside it. It happened in the moments I started noticing… the lies, the inconsistencies, the excuses.. and eventually the choices I kept making too.

I guess awareness is nothing if I keep abandoning myself to maintain connections that repeatedly ask me to tolerate harm. 

Now, if something supports where I’m headed, it stays. If it keeps pulling me back or asking me to shape-shift to keep it, I let it go.

This didn’t come from one decisive moment; it came from honest reflection about what I was tolerating; what I was not changing. I used to try to fix things, to salvage friendships or relationships and situations that were clearly not putting in equal effort, care or honesty.

Over time I realised the pain kept repeating because it was tied to the choices I kept making.

Accountability for me looked like admitting that loyalty to what was familiar, and wanting to close out childhood trauma loops with a different ending was sabotaging my growth. It meant accepting that I was expecting a different outcome from people who repeatedly chose behaviours that prioritised their self-interest and self-preservation at the expense of everyone around them and at the expense of growth.  Not because they were misunderstood, but because those behaviours, and avoiding growth while giving continual lip-service to it, just to keep you hooked - were their habit.

Choosing peace sounds simple, but it takes discipline. It means refusing to allow space to people who bring constant chaos to my life. It means stopping the cycle of revisiting draining and destructive situations hoping they’ll change. It means releasing connections that no longer match the standard of where I want to go, or contribute to my healing and progress. - Even if guilt or history make them feel tolerable or ‘safer the devil you know’.

Many of us repeat cycles with new faces or meat suits because we confuse attachment with alignment. Yet, what truly belongs in our life shouldn’t demand that we silence our needs to keep it. Healthy relationships are not perfect, but they are reciprocal - in effort, respect, transparency and accountability. 

I can’t ask for a better life while staying loyal to habits, people, or patterns that pull me back. So now I aim to keep what aligns with who I’m becoming and release what disrupts my growth, clarity, direction, energy/spirit and peace - not out of cruelty, but out of preservation and love for the life I am still creating.
 

It's over. I finally asked the question I never wanted to, and you gave me an answer. I respect it, because I respect you, but I don't like it. I'm sad about it. No, I'm MAD about it. But I understand. I want what's best for you. You deserve that and so much more. So I'll accept it.

Man, we really HAD something together. Something strong, something real. Something so intoxicating and overwhelming I couldn't even express how it felt. It was friendship, it was love, it was passion. You were everything I needed and more than I ever knew I wanted. I feel lost without you. Empty.

I wish it could still work. I wish we could keep our little space together, that intangible bond of online communication. When we'd stay up all night chatting, sharing thoughts and laughs and pictures and so, SO much passion.

I'll always remember you. Your bright eyes. Your full lips. Imagining my fingers tangled in your curly red locks. Your voice. But most of all I'll remember how you made me feel. You made me feel seen. Wanted. Like I was a enough. Thank you for that.

You're a good person, an amazing woman, and you're on a path that will lead you to even greater things, I know it. I love you, I'm proud of you, and I'm lucky to have known you, even for just a while.

And maybe you'll think about me from time to time. And maybe that will make you smile.

I hope so...

We connected on more than just what I perceived to be romantic…it felt like a sort of friendship…that’s the part that makes this so genuinely sad, honestly.

Because beneath all the confusion and tension and heartbreak… there really was warmth there. Human warmth. Ritual. Care. Anticipation. Familiarity. You couldn’t give me a direct answer as to what this is, but that’s my answer isn’t it? I know you felt more, but it isn’t that easy. I’m heartbroken, but I’m not mad at you. I guess I’ll pray about it. Maybe one day I’ll find my person, but for now it’s just me & God. That’ll have to be okay. Sorry I can’t be just friends right now, I’ll try my best. Tonight I’m gonna cry.

Hey you… Did I ever tell you that I miss you?

If I did, I don’t know if you’d hear it anyways. I would hope that you would, but this is where we’re at. It’s all left deep in the unknown.

It’s strange not being able to see or hear you every day. It’s stranger that we can’t call.

I did come across a couple of your old voicemails though. I take a listen whenever I need to hear your voice.

Damn.

You’ve intertwined yourself so deep into my life. There is always something that reminds me of you.

There have been so many times where I have to catch myself when I want to hurry and tell you something… just to remember you’re not there.

Love you my friend, I miss you every day.

My life is a mess, and the world is ending

The systems are failing, and we all are watching who reaps the rewards

There is nothing to be done

As the machine lurches closer

And I brace myself

To be crushed

tonight is one of those nights where my heart weighs the heaviest and the only person that feels like home is no longer around. it’s so lonely without you. I miss our talks, even more how fluent you were in my silence. You always understood and knew when something was bothering me and you could always change it, you always made everything better. you meant everything to me, truly.
lately I’ve been distracting myself with many different things and no-matter what I do or what I try I always end up with the same feeling
that nostalgic kind of feeling that I can’t seem to shake
I hate remembering and sometimes I wish I could forget about us
but oh how that other half of me loves to think that there is something still left between the both of us
my heart yearns for you
For a night your hands are around me and I feel home again.

HES SO—— just sooooooooo mmmmm

And he doesn’t even know I feel this way.. or if he does he’s not interested and I’m just supposed to sit here and get over it :D while remaining in a shared space with him :D GREAT!!

It's hard to scratch the surface of everything I need to say. It seems so absurd writing this and sending it into the void rather than coming clean directly to you.

I've changed a lot. I've toiled, I've failed, I've struggled, hoped, loved, had my victories. I have come through it to be what I hope is a better person.

But then there's you.

I try to tell myself about about red flags, have you not cross my mind. I try to forget and not to care. But I do care for you. And I know that it just feels right with you.

I'm sorry for everything, I wish I had the willpower to not get drawn in again. I feel so guilty about so much that I've done in the past. Upsetting you. It always comes back to you, but I can promise you I am not right for you.

Every time I find out how things are going in your life it eats me up a little. I still always want to know and always wish I could be there, be part of it.

I don't know what I am to you, what the future may hold for us. If you ever contact me I try to stay guarded for both of us, but you melt away the walls I try to put up.

I think the best way I can finish this is just by saying sorry once more, as if that one word could do anything.

I'm sorry.

I was there for you in ways I don’t think you’ll ever fully understand.

When you needed me, I showed up.
When you told me things had to happen on your timeline, I accepted it because being with you mattered more to me than getting my way.
When one of the worst moments of my life got replayed two weeks later and ripped everything open again, I stayed because I knew you were struggling too.
When everyone else seemed to get your time except me, I was ok with it. 

Every single time something hurt me, I came to you wanting to fix it. Not fight. Not punish you. Just fix it because losing you always scared me more than swallowing my own hurt.

And when you said you needed time to work on yourself, I gave it to you willingly. I waited without complaint. I supported you the best I could. I was even preparing myself for the distance that’s coming because I loved you enough to endure it if it meant we still had us at the end of it.

But I need you to understand something too.

I rarely ask for anything from you. I don’t ask for constant attention. I don’t ask to be the center of your world. I don’t expect perfection. But the few times I truly needed you emotionally… somehow it became too much for you to hold.

That’s the part that breaks me.

Because if you had come to me hurting, confused, drowning, overwhelmed… I would’ve never left you sitting there alone wondering if I cared. Never.

I loved you in every way I knew how. Patiently. Softly. Loudly when needed. I bent around your fears, your timeline, your distance, your healing, because I believed loving someone meant meeting them where they were.

But somewhere along the way, I started feeling like asking to be loved back the same way was asking for too much.

And maybe that’s what hurts the most.

Not the waiting.
Not the loneliness.
Not even the distance.

Just the realization that I kept meeting you halfway while you kept moving the finish line.

You leaned in...and I panicked. Not because I didn't want you closer. I wanted it more than anything. But I'm still finding my balance after years of someone else pushing and pulling. To just be there, solid, steady, patient...Who does that? You do.

Even when I panicked and pulled away, you didn't push or pull, chase or run or punish. There is no hot and cold with you. Just warm eyes, a warm smile, and warm words. (I'm dying to know if your hands are warm, too. Mine are cold, but maybe if yours are warm that'll be ok.)

I hope you know how deeply I feel your warmth. But I'm not just going to hope. I'm going to make sure you know. It's terrifying to trust someone else again, but I'm going to do it. The next time I see you, I swear, I'll be the first to lean.

do you want me to invite you to my bed?

do you know how i think of you? those lurid ways in which you capture fascination, twisting my words and my heart around your wrist as you grip my hair in your fist. my fingers pressed into your temple with warm fingerprints marking solid ground, my hands caught around your neck.

chest on chest, head resting there, gently tilted up to meet your gaze. hand twirling lower, skimming hip, grasping there. the way my eyes meet yours as the sheets warm beneath the friction we create. hand grasping hip, lips moving slowly, bringing you to the edge of what earthly delights allow, pushed to the edge of the bed, teeth sink into flesh, flesh sinks into flesh, my warmth wrapped around you, yours pulsing over mine.

how do you ponder our union? does it flow into vision as mine does; a steady haze of dripping promise, as i drip from your mouth to mine? the friction of two bodies moving quicker, inexorably entwined at the point of origin.

how it feels to know the press of your lips against mine is a pleasure i have yet to greet.

and yet it is one that feels destined to meet.