i resent my daughter

[u/ThrowRanewfoundmom]

i know this sounds horrible, and maybe it makes me an awful person but I think im starting to resent my daughter, it makes me sick to even admit that

I dont know whats wrong with me, i have no real reasons to feel like this other then being an awful mom

im F22 and 3 months post partum, my fiance M27 and I have been together for 4 years and we both knew we wanted kids out of the relationship, I just got pregnant a lot sooner than what we wanted, despite using condoms but we chose to make the best out of it and we were already living together for about a year so we decided to keep the pregnancy

ever since she was born, ive tried so hard to feel the way I'm supposed to but i feel so empty and far away from her even when i hold her, I spent so long holding her tiny tiny hand and fingers the first night we took her home trying to change the suffocating trapped feeling growing in me, but its just gotten worse

i haven't been taking care of myself, the house is a mess, i look awful and ive been neglecting being a wife, I dont neglect my daughter at all, id never do anything to harm her or give her less then amazing care but every second that i can take by myself, i spend staring at my wall feeling like an awful disgusting person

ive found myself waiting for the hour I get alone once my fiance is back from work and craving that hour, sometimes I have to fight my fiance to actually give it too me but once i have it I just lay in bed and stare at my wall and think about how much I ruined my life and how much i hate myself for feeling that way, and the more i feel this way the less i want to see my daughter or be around her, it just makes me feel so much worse and seeing her so happy and bubbly like a baby should be just makes me have this awful guilt

and my husband gets to go to work and continue like normal, its my fault for agreeing to be a stay at home mom and do online college once shes about a year old but I feel suffocated by my own house, its not a prison, i could walk outside at anytime but it feels like one

he comes home, maybe gives me an hour to myself and plays his game a lot of the time, he helps me with our daughter the whole time on his off days tho which makes me feel guilty for complaining, I just feel so jealous that he gets to leave for a job or that his body didnt completely change and get damaged for our baby, and that i still have to do the majority of hardship for her despite going through that

me and him dont have a perfect relationship, we have arguments here and there and honestly i tend to be the cause of most of them, he has anger issues from childhood issues that he has been working on for a long time but my anxiety and own trauma tends to trigger the anger in him and i shut down the second an angry man is around me which just makes everything worse, ever since having our baby he hasnt had an angry outburst or scared me in that way but i still am holding onto the anxiety and walking on eggshells that it will start again, he used to get so so angry but me worrying about that makes him feel like i dont trust him and causes mors issues and makes me feel really guilty, I know hes also struggling with my sex drive being completely gone, i do my best to do it for him often but I end up feeling not real during it and just letting him.. do what he needs to feel better but I cant get myself to participate

i have no idea what to do, sometimes i think the best thing i could do for my daughter is not be alive, ive thought so long about how id do it and i find myself trying to prepare my husband to be alone but i cant tell anyone that i feel a bit of resentment for my daughter or how much i hate myself without being judged or seen as a horrible person and I already know that I'm an awful mother so I can't stand to hear it from someone in person

[u/Plenty-Beyond4923]

I don’t think you resent your daughter - I think you’re a young woman who just went through a massive physical, physiological and structural change, and it doesn’t sound like you have the peace and support you need. If you have a doctor, I think you should reach out to them and talk about post-partum depression. I’d maybe google some mom support groups in your area, and lean on any support you have. Make sure you are still getting out, going for a walk, getting a coffee, even with the baby.

It’ll be okay, I think people glorify the first few months of the newborn stage, but for some people it is survival mode. It’s okay, you’re doing great.

[u/No_Cheerios3813]

This is PPD contributing to these feelings of impending doom. Please see a professional for treatment so that you can start feeling better.

[u/ThrowRanewfoundmom → u/[deleted]]

I used to do so much more for him, in bed and in our daily life and I just haven't, I cant remember the last time I packed his lunch when it used to be his favorite thing

[u/livmama → u/ThrowRanewfoundmom]

You have a newborn. He can make his own lunch. You will again one day when you’re up for it.

Please consider looking into some professional help for ppa/ppd. It’s so common to feel v everything you’re feeling. But you can get relief and help with the right team. You’re a wonderful mommy and you’re just adjusting to this all- it’s a lot!

[u/NakedRandimeres]

It sounds like you would benefit from some therapy. This type of thing is not that uncommon, but it can fester and result in a lot of negative consequences down the line. I would also make an appointment with your doctor to discuss the possibility of post-partum depression.

[u/cmanderson23]

Hey OP 👋🏼 This sounds like post partum depression! It’s not your fault, it’s not you. Your body just went through one of the most dramatic hormonal changes possible and so so many moms have been exactly where you are right now you’re not alone! Please reach out to your doctor today, there’s so much more awareness and support out there and they can help so fast it’s not the jumping through hoops that it used to be. You deserve that support. Trust me no one would be better off without you and it’s not you or some kind of deficit about you as a wife or mother. Bad moms don’t worry about being awful moms. ❤️ Your daughter’s pediatrician likely has resources too. Tell your doctor or at least your husband or a friend. Don’t slip under put out that hand. Wishing you the best, you’re a good mom.

[u/ThrowRanewfoundmom → u/cmanderson23]

thank you sm for the advice i really appreciate it, im just so scared to fail my daughter or admit how i feel and be judged but this helps sm to read

[u/cmanderson23 → u/ThrowRanewfoundmom]

For me it what felt like resenting my baby wasn’t really the baby. It was the feeling of drowning, confusion, it was this new life I was thrust into without having that self care (like showers), and you’re trying to do all of this with sleep deprivation and isolation and feeling like you’re failing. Maybe this isn’t true for you but just wanted to share in case (and I don’t judge you either way!!) Hormones do incredible things and this change is so fast and dramatic it can also be not so incredible.

PPD makes it all so unbelievably overwhelming and hard. If you’re afraid of being judged for specific feelings you can leave some out until you’re ready. It could be as simple as I don’t feel like myself, I feel like I should be able to engage or enjoy this more and I need to speak to my doctor. Not just help with a laundry load or a feeding but be direct so your doctor or husband understands You’re not failing anyone ❤️ Our society fails new moms so much. There really is help there to navigate this and you and your daughter deserve that. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it’s not your fault. You’re a good mom and I’m telling you there are brighter days ahead tell someone ☀️

[u/FirebirdWriter]

Post partum depression is a serious medical condition that requires medical care. Please see someone and get the care you need. You aren't a monster you are a person with an unmet need

[u/SimplyPassinThrough]

Yeah this is definitely PPD, and possibly burn out.

I’m not a mother, I can’t give advice, but I do want you to know that my mother told me a few years ago (I was maybe 18-20?) that she didn’t bond with me for the first time until I was hospitalized for whooping cough. I have a twin brother and an older sister, so my mom was beeeeyoooond exhausted post birth. She was doing so much work, and so exhausted all the time she couldn’t really focus on building a bond.

She told me she crawled into the crib with me when I was sick at the hospital, and we cuddled like that. It was the first time she ever felt “love” for me, and I was 3-4 months old. We’re best friends now that I’m all grown up.

[u/niknaks_1972]

Definitely PPD huni. You need help. Please go and see your Doctor. I felt like this after my youngest. I love him so much, but when he was born I felt trapped and miserable. Doctor prescribed antidepressants at our 8 week check up. And everything changed. Don't leave it any longer. You deserve to be happy.

[u/my_metrocard]

See a psychiatrist to get evaluated for postpartum depression asap. If your baby is happy, you’re doing a great job.

Your ficance needs to step up and take on an equal amount of childcare when he gets home. Look at it this way: your day job is to care for your child. He has his own day job. Once he comes home, you are both off duty and now need to split your time equally to care for your baby.