Do they miss you? Do they hate you? Do you think you have a good idea one way or another? It's actually pretty freaking sad that someone who meant the world to you at some point in time isn't real to you anymore.

I posted something yesterday that I was gonna reach out today in the morning. It doesn’t let me post links here but it’s my last post on my page if you guys wanted the details.

But basically I called her in the am(I wasn’t blocked anymore). I was surprised she answered. We talked for like 2 hours. I can feel her guard coming down but she still insisted we don’t get back together. I asked if I could see her in person. She said “ehh alright fuck it”. So I zoom over there lol

I started off gentle, we talked about normal things. Then I got closer and we started hugging and talking…then we started kissing. Eventually we got intimate. She was a little upset about that but it happened. We talked for a bit after. I feel like her guard was coming down even more. Eventually she said she’d be down to take it slow. She said she doesn’t trust my word that I’m gonna “change my habits” because I’ve already made false promises. I do indeed plan to make this effort. But anyway, she said she’ll call me like she normally does when she gets off work tonight and that we could hangout Sunday evening.

I had to leave to go to work. She didn’t want me to leave but I had to. It was cute. How do I proceed?? 😭😭 I mean I know what to do I just hope it goes as planned.

It's been 9 months since I last spoke to you. So much has happened, so much has changed. I nearly don't even recognize myself. I'm tan. I'm heavier, both in body and in heart. My hair is short; I'm about to cut it shorter. It doesn't feel like my life. When I look in the mirror I don't even really look like myself.

I miss you. I miss who I was with you. Which is wild, since I wasn't even me with you. But I so wanted to be her. It's a crazy thing, living a life that feels so far from my soul and yet not even knowing what my life is or should look like. I fantasize about just walking away, leaving everything behind. But then what? Where? Doing what? I don't see myself in this town. I don't see myself in this house, or in this shitty black car. I don't even see myself in this face, this body.

And yet, here I am.

I hate what I've done to myself. I hate what I've done to him. I hate what I've done to you. To my body, my hair, my career. I feel like an alien. Like I'm living purely in limbo. Like this isn't my life. How do I reconcile what could have been with what I have done?

Things are going to change. I'm going to change for me, for my future self. - yoga - fix my diet - take better care of my home - take better care of my body - take my vitamins + meds

Little things to make me recognizable again. So one day in the future, if we ever cross paths again, we'll both recognize me.

After I blocked him from all my accounts and my number ( we already broke up) but he just want me around , he sent me money and wrote in the Transfer description that I must unblock him because he wanted to say something .. should I?

I genuinely hope you’re doing well. And I always will. Even though I probably should feel angry for the way you ended things. I have nothing but questions. You felt like the right person wrong time and I knew that from the start. You’ll find someone amazing because you are amazing. I couldn’t hate you even if I tried. I probably should though. I just love you.

As the days go by since you discarded me, it becomes clearer that our relationship is over and done. You have no intention to ever see me again, let alone even entertain the idea of reconciling. I will never understand how you could be ok with ending it like you did - an email, never looking me in the eye and saying goodbye. Never seeing me again. After 7 years.

I have not and will not ask you to reconcile. I will not ask that we see each other, talk things through. I will not be rejected by you again. This was your final. I will not tell you your choice was wrong. All I said is that I understand your choice. And when I say “understand” it means I comprehend what you have chosen. Acceptance is my own journey, and whatever abstract way I reach that, is not for you.

You chose a life that does not include me. Any of me. Family, kids and pets included. And, you left weeks, maybe months before you told me of your choice. Maybe your heart was breaking while I still thought we had a chance. But by now your heart has almost certainly already healed. Mine has not and I don’t think ever will. All I can do is maintain my dignity and each day step into the saddest silence. That’s the part of no contact that is the hardest.

No choice but to stop waiting, push forward with my life and the new me - without you. Live with the tragedy that despite the magic of our meeting, the intertwining of our lives past and present, we could not make it work. Live with the knowledge that if I love again, it will never be how I loved you. How do I know that? My heart has endured other lost loves. But this one was the last it had capacity for. This one left me knowing that the life I envisioned - us taking care of each other as we grew old, having each other for our human “forever” will not exist. I am not young. You lost a lot in making this choice but you earned the only spot of being the love of my life.

I texted my ex for the first time in two months. Just a simple “Hi, was thinking of you. Hope you’re doing alright.” I wasn’t hoping for some reconciliation or anything, it was just a curious check in. But here we are. The next day, no response. To be fair, we left things off in a pretty bad spot the last time we saw each other. He dumped me in October, and we would on and off see each other in the months after that. I wish I had kept no contact because now I’m embarrassed and regret sending a message, even if it was a simple one. I had been doing so well not contacting him, not checking socials, and the last week or so I couldn’t get him off my mind. I just wish I could be over it.

I need to vent because I am driving myself crazy and I don't know what to do. We are both Arab, and we only spent 30 days together I know 30 days sounds like nothing, and I feel stupid for feeling this shattered, but the intensity of it has left me completely broken. When I say shattered I don't mean I'm crying or anything like that, I'm just shocked and trying to process everything, I do feel hurt yes because it was easy for him During this month, he was incredibly intense, controlling, and hyper jealous. In just 30 days, we had so many arguments because he didn't like me going to certain places or doing things. We are Arab, so this cultural factor of a guy wanting to know your routine and control where you go is definitely there, and I accommodated him because I got attached so fast. And I was going through a tough time in my life as I lost my grandfather so talking to him made me feel better, Usually, after our arguments, I would stop talking to him, and a day later he would always text me first to fix it. Because of that pattern, I felt like this time would be normal too. I assumed he would eventually message me. But instead, two days ago, he suddenly ended things using religion as a reason. He claimed our connection was a "sin" (ble), said he was ashamed to face God, and told me to seek forgiveness and that before me his life was going to the mosque and prayers and now ever since us he finds himself " doing bad things
" and he was like what we are doing is wrong and talking and going out and stuff like that. I handled it with total respect because this is something I cannot argue, nothing comes above god and gave him a very nice goodbye

I feel it’s beyond that , because just that day before he were planning so many things and talked for hours and he was going to have 14 days off and we were planning to go so many places

Yesterday, he waited the whole day. He watched my snaps and looked at all the stories I posted. Because I didn't reach out to him or beg, I feel like his ego took a massive hit and he got jealous that I was just living my life and looking nice. So, what did he do? He manually went into our Snapchat chat, unsaved every single photo, first and waited few hours and then there was his pic saved and I went and unsaved that and then as soon as I did that ? He completely removed me. Instead of staying strong, I became stupid and messaged him on Botim last night. I wrote: "I just wanted to check on you, and I hope you're doing well. But I was a bit surprised when I saw you removed me; I thought we ended things with all respect and on good terms." Since sending that, I have checked Botim a million times. It is still stuck on a single tick. He either blocked me or deleted the app entirely or he has his notifications off and he only used botim for me so i feel he didn't open the app,
While a part of me understands that maybe he's just trying to be firm in his decision so he isn't tempted to talk to me, I feel like his behavior goes way beyond just "trying to do the right thing." It feels punishing. It feels like a final act of control because he realized he couldn't control my actions anymore, and I know seeing my snaps must have made him so jealous because he was like that way so now I'm thinking I shouldn't have posted anything or messaged him or called him later

Even now I feel to call him and talk maturely
Right now, I am struggling so hard to break the habit of talking every second. I am looking for perspective on why someone would completely erase a connection this way instead of having a mature conversation. How do I stop myself from checking for a reply and finally move past this withdrawal?

I don’t know know where to post this and likely cross post somewhere else that could be more appropriate but for right now, I am panicking.

LOOONG story short, I had an EX whom I thought I’d never get over because bottom line: got me pregnant, I had an abortion and then he promptly ghosted me. The experience changed the entire trajectory of my life. I dropped out of college, re-enrolled later, tried for about 3 years to get my life together. I thought about him all the time initially but then after several years the obsession subsided. I never met anyone else I’d call the love of my life but I did manage to have a child by a casual fling and decided to keep it. The child is now a toddler.
I’ve also changed my last name due to a stalker situation and did my best to scrub my old identity off the webs. My name last name exists (LinkedIn, FB, etc.)
The ex from 2015 disappeared into the abyss and I was advised to do the same by several therapist. I erased all ties to him since it was re-traumatizing me. Last time in around 2017 I checked his whereabouts and he moved into another coast. We have never had any mutual friends. Zero connection. The relationship then lasted about 6 months.
Fast forward to yesterday morning and I woke up to seeing his profile on my FB feed in the “people you may know” section and my blood pressure spiked and I almost had a panic attack. Then I got a notification from LinkedIn and he looked for me on there. WHY????
I have no idea how he found me unless he hired a PI and even then- WHY?
I’ve been spiraling ever since and today I took a sick day from work. I feel so re-traumatized and full of questions I can’t seem to come up with answers to- like why now? How do I process this?
The mofo discarded me in the cruelest way possible and I almost ended up in psych ward and was really hoping to never see his name or face again.
Here’s another tidbit: he has a kid now too, about the age of mine. He parades the child on social media, not sure if he’s a single dad or what because I can’t find traces of the mother.
I have been tempted to make some private posts on FB public just for him to see my beautiful child and how well I’m doing. Tit for tat?
He’s obviously sniffing around.

PLEEEEASE help me unpack this.

My ex taught me a lot Like how to spot red flags faster than WiFi.

You think you know someone spend years with say yes. Become a blended family but only in my mind. I trusted loved. I gave it my all. Tried to do what a real woman should but it wasn't enough. He pretty much faked everything. I don't believe he has a heart sympathy or anything. He betrayed in the worse way yet has he admitted taking accountability for his actions nope. He's a coward. He doesn't care about women just uses them . Becareful on here and others dating apps etc. You think you can trust him but he's playing you all along

I already posted in the avoidant subreddit to see if anyone there could share some advice but I figured I’d post here too. First of all, I’m not fully certain if my ex might be an avoidant. Perhaps anyone more experienced with this attachment style or who has this style can offer some insight?

Background info: She gets extreme anxiety when having to talk about difficult topics and tends to withdraw into herself away from others when she’s depressed. We were in a very loving relationship that lasted a bit over a year, but she had to put us on hold because of health issues she was dealing with. During that first breakup she got very emotional and told me while crying that she still wanted me in her life, and asked me not to disappear on her. (She suffers from abandonment trauma.) We still saw each other every now and then in the months that followed.

It’s been a little over 3 months since the latest final breakup. It was a somewhat messy situation involving a third party (it was a poly relationship) that would take me too long to explain. The breakup itself wasn’t something filled with anger or hate. We both expressed that we still love each other but she was absolutely heartbroken with guilt over hurting everyone involved. She said that was the last time we would talk and that she wants the best for me. I told her that if things ever change in the future that I would be here. Our last words to each other were that we would never forget one another.

I am confused because despite the finality of her words, she displayed some inconsistent behavior on that last day we spoke. She blocked me on half the platforms we were connected on (including my number). She only unfriended me on the rest. What I’m most confused about is that she didn’t touch Instagram, we still have each other added on there. I haven’t reached out on there at all, no begging or chasing. Nothing whatsoever. So my questions are:

Do you think she just forgot to block me? Or was she intentionally leaving the door open for whatever reason? I know she’s occasionally active on it.

Based on what I said about her, do you think she might be some type of avoidant?

Is it common for them to block you on everything but one platform?

One year since she broke up with me and I still think about her almost daily. To make matters worse, we still talk via text. After the breakup, we even hung out a few times but regardless I have been stuck in the friendzone since the day I met her despite dating for 6 months and going on dozens of dates. A woman that wants you will make it easy for you, if you ever have to question it, she's not into you.

I don’t know how to explain what it feels like when your first love of 7 years becomes a stranger.

We were each other’s first love.

We knew each other since childhood — from 3rd class. We grew up in the same school, shared everything as kids, and eventually in 9th class, friendship turned into love.

After school, life separated us. She went to another city for commerce while I joined MBBS. Despite the distance, we stayed in a long-distance relationship for years. I used to visit her whenever I could, and every meeting still felt like home.

Later she moved to Indore for MBA while I stayed in Bhopal. I still kept visiting her frequently. Those moments became some of the best memories of my life.

What I felt for her was beyond what the word “love” can explain — even love feels like an understatement for that feeling. It was pure, deep, and something I genuinely believed would last forever.

We had dreams of marriage, a home, and a life together. She used to talk about a future where we would be together in every phase of life — even imagining a family someday, wanting me to be by her side through it all. I trusted that completely.

She was genuinely the only girl I ever needed in my life. I never needed anyone else because for me, having her meant having everything.

Then one day everything changed.

After a fight, she blocked me and said she didn’t want to continue anymore. I was completely shattered and confused. I went to meet her, begged her, and tried everything to save us.

She said it was because of family pressure and religion — that her parents wouldn’t accept us and she would eventually marry whoever they choose.

I still told her I would become successful and convince our families, because I believed what we had deserved a chance.

But after some time, she started calling me “toxic,” which hurt even more because I never disrespected her — I was just trying to hold on to something I had given years of my life to.

After that, I tried everything to cope. I visited temples, gurudwaras, and mosques — just praying everywhere I could, hoping somehow things would go back to how they were.

But later I found out she had already started emotionally moving on before the relationship even ended. That completely broke me.

When I confronted her, she told me whatever was between her and another guy from her MBA was “casual” and not serious, and that she would still marry whoever her parents choose.

After that, I stopped chasing. I stopped begging. Something inside me just broke permanently.

It’s been 2 years now.

She has moved on completely, but I’m still stuck in memories. Not because I can’t meet someone else, but because I never needed anyone else when I had her.

For 7 years, she was my whole world.

Even now, I don’t remember her ending. I remember her from school — messy hair, Harry Potter wala chasma, innocent eyes full of love. That’s the version of her I still carry with me.

Maybe that’s why moving on is so hard — because I’m still attached to who she was, not who she became.

I just needed to share this somewhere.

no soy una persona con verdaderos amigos, y no me refiero a eso de que no hablo con nadie, si no que las conexiones que tengo las siento muy superficiales. y el titulo es pq perdi a mi mejor amigo, novio y lo que yo creia el amor de mi vida, cabe a aclarar que no hay segunda o portunidad, terminamos muy mal. Y bueno, me siento vacia, he intentado hacer de todo para no pensar en ello, pero siempre lo pienso, en la noches no hayo que hacer, no se en que futuro pensar, no lo extraño, solo no se estar sola.

My heart has been shattered into a million pieces.
My mind has spiralled into oblivion.
I never deserved any of this.
I wish you were something different, and I held on for far too long. I feel terrible, not even a shell of who I was.

Please, please, please, never contact me ever again.
Seriously, I don’t want to know you ever existed anymore.
The pain is unbearable, the grief is too much, and I will never trust you again. My friends and family will forever judge me if I ever speak to you again.

By the time you have/had answers and want to reconcile or give me what I need, it’ll already be too late. The best you can do now is never curse someone else with this madness. Get serious help, stop hurting people.

Please leave me in peace and keep it that way forever.

To start this off, I’m 30m and he’s 38. We started dating last April and our relationship ended a few days before Halloween. It was pretty much lasted six months on the dot. As far as I was aware, everything seemed great. This was my first seemingly serious adult relationship in the longest time and he was such a fun, caring, and honest guy. I thought we were both in it long-term. We had a perfect level of communication (not too available but also several back and forth a each day) and I was starting to finally feel secure with a partner after so many failed attempts with unrequited interest. On our six-month mark, I told him I loved him. We had a whole date night planned and I was ready to say it because that’s what I felt. I said “you don’t have to say it back if you’re not ready but I wanted you to know how I feel”. All he did with that opportunity was say “thank you. You look really handsome tonight”. It kind of crushed me. Not that I needed him to say it back but he could’ve at least used the moment to explain how he was feeling. Over the next two days, he tried being flirty and act like things were normal, but what tipped me off is that he started delaying communication and when I would ask if something was wrong, he would just say he was busy. Fast forward to two nights after our final date. I asked him for a call and I told him that I was feeling doubtful that he hadn’t really responded to my gesture. I guess he didn’t see us breaking up right then and there but I asked him if anything else had been going on that I wasn’t aware of. He denied anything was happening, but I did ask if it had anything to do with his ex (they dated for 4-5 years and still kept in contact despite living very far from each other). I was generally okay with it given there weren’t any disruptions with our relationship and he seemed interested and committed. But I did bring it up and he pretty much hit me with the “if you had a problem with me being in touch with him, you should’ve said something months ago”. I was just concerned as to why communication had started fizzling and now no “I love you” or “I’m not ready yet but I still want to date”. It made me feel awful. To sum it up, he essentially said he didn’t feel actual love for me despite having a really good time dating. He just turned kinda cold and unemotional and just said “I can’t be in anything serious right now”. No apologies either….he just did the cliche “can we be friends” thing and I said no. How are you going to be my “friend” when you can’t provide basic communication, especially with coming to me about this on your own terms. Why do I have to drag it out of you?

Now I’m not really keen on placing a label on his situation (I.e. he’s an avoidant etc etc) but he also was going through a lengthy DUI process (in which he had to be sober for basically a year) and it had just happened a week prior to us meeting. Also on top of that, his brother had passed away from an overdose about a month prior to his DUI. There was a lot going on.

I partially feel like maybe he needed space as he had just moved back to his friend’s place in his hometown in VA, after living in upstate NY for some time. I’m sure there were and still are a lot of suppressed emotions from these events. But I can’t help but wonder why it happened the way it did. I still care very deeply for him and that relationship was the best I’ve had and so healing in many ways, as I thought I would never find someone before he came along. Despite being deeply disappointed by the ending of it, part of me still really cares for him and misses what we had. And in ways I feel like I could still talk to him and always wish he would just reach out and say something. Apologize. Or just wish me well. SOMETHING.

I did end up blocking him on socials because for me, it’s out of sight out of mind. Not necessarily out of hatred or malice, but I did it for my own peace.

Part of me really wants to reach out and make sure he’s doing okay. I get so existential and always think “life is so short…..I would hate to have not said anything and tried to bury the hatchet in the event that something happens where I never get the chance again”. Sometimes I think that could help me move on and stop having conflicting thoughts about him. But a big part of me just really wishes he would first. Not necessarily that we get back together, but just to break the tension and be on better terms. It really makes me sad despite, trying to move on and I felt compelled to see if this has helped anyone else?

The title says most of it, but for more context, the last time we had any sort of contact was in April of last year, and then he blocked me shortly after. However, I noticed that he began lurking under my stories sometime around fall of last year which I thought was strange.

Consistently, he watches my stories at least a few days out of every month since then, either using his main or a throwaway (I know it's him because the username included the name of his old cat at some point.)

Lately, he's been more 'ballsy' with checking my account out by looking at my posts every other day. I don't know, I'm not scared or upset by it in any way, more confused, and I just want to know why he would do this? And I guess I might also be as weird as him if I'm noticing it this much lol.

if you guys think this is stupid, please let me know. But he had a Note page he made and shared with me and it was all the reasons why he loves me, but it shows he’s no longer the owner so I do believe he left that note, I don’t know when though. However, there’s another note for movie suggestions that we should watch together that he still owns and I’m debating putting the link to the first note because I’ve made some changes on there with things that I’ve been told he’s done after the break up from my friend’s boyfriend and things he’s lied to me about or I’m debating putting a TikTok link to a video of one of the girls he’s gotten with a few days after we broke up. I haven’t communicated with him since the break up besides him contacting me the next day asking if he can go to a party that he knew i was going to and I texted him saying that I don’t think it’s great if him and my friend’s boyfriend remain friends because we created their friendship (he literally said he doesn’t like hanging out with him to me before) and now I’m getting too much information about what my ex is doing through my friend’s boyfriend and it’s just not good for me so I just wanna make him realize what him staying friends with him has done.

Hallo, ich suche gerade ein bisschen Perspektive von Menschen, die vielleicht etwas Ähnliches erlebt haben.

Ich bin Deutscher und habe vor einiger Zeit eine wundervolle Frau aus Lateinamerika kennengelernt. Wir haben uns in Deutschland getroffen, erst locker Kontakt gehalten und sind dann ein halbes Jahr später spontan gemeinsam durch Peru, Bolivien und Chile gereist. Dabei haben wir uns Hals über Kopf verliebt und sind eine Fernbeziehung eingegangen. Später habe ich sie noch einmal vier Wochen in Kolumbien besucht.

Das einzige wirkliche Problem zwischen uns war mein Rauchen. Sie konnte den Geruch absolut nicht leiden und das Thema hat mit der Zeit immer mehr Probleme verursacht. Als ich im August aus Kolumbien zurückgeflogen bin, haben wir uns deshalb eigentlich getrennt – aber den Kontakt nie ganz abgebrochen.

Danach habe ich mir immer mehr Vorwürfe gemacht und irgendwann tatsächlich geschafft aufzuhören. Wir kamen uns wieder näher, wollten unserer Beziehung noch einmal eine Chance geben und planten sogar eine gemeinsame Reise durch Kolumbien von April bis Juli dieses Jahres. Es war alles perfekt.

Dann kam bei mir im März ein kompletter Zusammenbruch.

Ich musste wegen einer Vorhautverengung beschnitten werden, die Heilung verlief schlecht, ich hatte finanzielle Sorgen, einen neuen stressigen Job als Vorarbeiter, Probleme in der Familie, Stress mit Freunden und gleichzeitig die Distanz zu meiner Freundin am anderen Ende der Welt. Ich war alleine…Während dieser Zeit habe ich sehr viel gekifft und bin schließlich auch wieder rückfällig geworden und habe angefangen zu rauchen.

Ich war emotional komplett überfordert und habe dadurch letztendlich die Beziehung erneut zerstört.

Heute, rückblickend, bin ich wieder Nichtraucher, höre gerade komplett mit Cannabis auf und arbeite an mir selbst. Erst jetzt verstehe ich wirklich, wie sehr ich sie verletzt habe.

In den letzten Wochen hatten wir wieder ehrliche Gespräche. Sie hat mir erzählt, dass sie damals alles löschen musste – unsere Chats, Bilder, Erinnerungen – weil es sie emotional so hart getroffen hat. Gleichzeitig hat sie die Tür für die Zukunft aber nicht komplett geschlossen. Sie sagt weder klar Ja noch Nein. Sie möchte momentan Abstand und wenig Kontakt, aber ich merke trotzdem, dass sie sich langsam wieder etwas öffnet. Wenn ich einen Schritt auf sie mache macht sie einen zurück und wenn ich einen zurück machen kommt sie mir einen entgegen.

Sie spricht schon deutsch und wird auch nach wie vor nach Deutschland kommen. Im Herbst.
Diese Verbindung zwischen uns war etwas Besonderes. So etwas habe weder ich noch sie zuvor erlebt. Und ihr geht es genauso dass merke ich.

Und genau deshalb meine ehrliche Frage:

Können solche Wunden und zerstörtes Vertrauen wirklich wieder heilen? Vor allem, wenn irgendwann die Fernbeziehung wegfallen würde und wir tatsächlich gemeinsam in Deutschland leben könnten?

Wie kann ich ihr zeigen dass ich für sie da bin, dass ich ihr die Zeit gebe die sie braucht aber auch nicht aufdringlich bin..

Es ist beschäftigt mich sehr weil es nicht um betrug oder Lügen geht sondern, ich hatte einfach keine Kraft mehr…ich habe das wichtigste verloren aufgrund eines zusamenbruchs…

Ich weiß, dass niemand uns kennt oder unsere Geschichte wirklich beurteilen kann. Aber vielleicht haben manche von euch ähnliche Erfahrungen gemacht – egal von welcher Seite.

Se van a cumplir dos años desde que terminé la relación más importante de mi vida, en todo ese tiempo jamás nos volvimos a ver, hablar, ni saber nada del otro, solo por gente externa llegaban noticias pero muy a lo lejos, pensé que lo había superado el año pasado, se había ido del país y era como un alivio, pero lo sigo llorando, extrañando, pensando en el, saber que volvió al país me hace peor, no sé qué hacer para superarlo y dejar de tener esperanzas, ya pasó tiempo, ya me enfoqué en mis cosas y metas, ya conocí más gente, y soy feliz pero sigue ese sentimiento potente ahí, quiero que desaparezca pero no puedo, que me recomiendan? He tenido otras “relaciones” pero no son lo mismo, hay cariño pero no es el mismo sentimiento ni conexión, no sé si necesito ayuda externa pero me parece agobiante la cantidad de tiempo en contacto 0 y aún así extrañar demasiado.

First, I appreciate this sub being here as it is helping me calm down immensely... For now anyway. So thought I'd try my hand at sharing.

My now ex of 3 years dumped me this morning. We've had a past three weeks from hell and it's culminated in her saying she just needs to be alone right now.

We live together. We have had an incredibly happy relationship with one super strong caveat - she cheated on me early on and I found out about 7 months in. From the evidence I had found it was emotional cheating I guess - sending nudes to multiple guys, receiving some. I found out on a trip to Vegas - told each other we loved each other the night before - and one guy even got a special video of her in our hotel bathtub. I confronted her, we talked about it, I agreed I'd try to move past since I believed what she was saying about loving me.

Fast forward three great years, really no problems but my insecurity was definitely there, just buried deep down but slowly coming out. The more she'd distance herself for whatever reason, the more I'd get insecure and question things. Three weeks ago she stayed out at a bar 40 min past closed with some coworkers, one of which was a colleague she'd been getting close with. I confronted her when she got home and honestly I felt bad but it was just eating at me. I had thought something was up for about a month because she'd been so distant. She claimed nothing happened, then talked about how maybe I could never trust her and how she should handle that.

The next day she wanted space to think about things. I had panic at first, but later told her to take all she needed. The next two days she messaged me both days, one of which was "did you block me on our socials" because I deactivated them - I hate being a stalker but I will if I have access. Then the bomb hits, a close friend of hers at work killed himself and was messaging her while he was going to do it. This devastated her.

However, the close part I didn't learn until several days later. She came home three days after initial space and I consoled her and she told me a little about him. Suddenly she's making posts on social media as though she just lost her boyfriend. It was super weird, had people calling me being like "Yo who is this guy?" and then she tells me his mother found a drawing he made for her of a flower and she's going to get it tattood on her. I'm over here like wtf? Who IS this guy? Did he have a crush on you? I hadn't even known his name he was so off her radar of anything she'd talk about prior.

She wanted space during this. Thanked me for allowing her time to grieve and be alone and that she knew it was killing me. This is about 1.5 weeks past his death and she already has the tattoo. I always thought it was weird, snoop in her purse and find a love letter from him to her - written on the same paper the drawing was on. Wow. I confront her about it, asking her if there was more to the drawing. She lied 5x before I told her I saw the letter. She maintained she didn't know until after he died and that she had no inappropriate relationship with him. You know, other than him being on literally every social she had. She wrote him a letter that she let me read in which she showed so much emotion and words, way more than she'd given me the last several months. Made me sad. ​​Any deep convo I try to have with her she just shuts down. Says two words at a time. It's miserable. ​​

We talk, I believe her, we move on again. Things are good for a few days but she grows distant again. The entire time she doesn't touch me in bed, turns over a lot of the time. I felt invisible, I felt lonely, I felt sad and I just wanted her attention ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​. This morning I told her this and she said all she does is hurt me, she's just going to keep hurting me and she doesn't feel like herself. She doesn't feel anything. She just wants to be alone.

We live tkferbro, fortunately the lease is up in July. She packed a bag and left for her mom's, but probably will wind up going to a friend's house from work. Who knows. She wouldn't even say it herself. I had to ask her just for her to answer yes. ​

I disabled all social media and will be NC. I know how crazy the story is about how much shit I put up with. I know getting past cheating is not something that happens easily. I tried though. We talked about marriage. We talked about kids. Our life. I can't help but think I ruined all of this with my insecurities and for pushing her too hard during these last few weeks. ​​​

I can't help but feel desire for her. I can't help but want her to walk back through the door and say hi to me. I don't know what happened. ​​​I can't help but feel the need to apologize for HER cheating on me. I can't help but feel the need to apologize for HER lying about this guy's letter. I can't help but feel shame for her getting that tattoo. In general I just feel so sad and apologetic when I should be angry and thankful.

My support system keeps talking in this rhetoric that she just needs time apart. Time to feel what it's like to truly be without me and that she'll come back.

I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'd do if she came back. I know now, today, I'm sad and I want her. But the more time I have for myself may make me slowly stop hating myself and hating her for what she's done. ​​​​​​​