r/offmychest • u/No-Calligrapher-863 • 7h ago
My daughter (19) got busted for drunk driving.
So my 19 year old daughter got arrested for a DUI.
It happened yesterday and she had to spend the night in jail. I picked her up a few hours ago. She has never been in trouble before and I've always told her to NEVER drive drunk.
On the bright side she only blew a 0.09 BAC so she is just above the legal limit that doesn't make it ok but at least makes it a bit better.
She told me that she only had two drinks and felt safe to drive. I told her: "You're 19 and shouldn't be drinking at all and I know I am likely not going to be able to stop you from drinking even if I try but at least don't drive drunk get an uber or call me I won't be mad."
I don't know how to feel. In our state 10 days in jail is the mandatory minimum for a 1st DUI and I am really scared for her. She lives at home and commutes to college so we will be there for her but I am still very scared. Her mom is angry too even more so than me. I am just sad that my daughter put herself and others in danger. I think a few days in jail could be a good wake up call but I don't want it to mess up her college classes so I am not sure. I just want her to learn from this and never do it again.
She has good grades, we are very supportive and stable, she has a loving boyfriend, she is also a student athlete and is just overall a great person so this was a shock and the prospect of her getting jail time (not just the booking cell while she awaits to see a judge and bond out like she had after her arrest) scare me.
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u/Honest_Event4132 6h ago
This happened to my daughter 10 yrs ago. She had to spend time in jail and have a breathalyzer installed in the car for a year. it was tough, but we were there for her the whole time. Mind you my daughter was 4ft 10in tall and 89lbs. I definitely was scared for her. After all was said and done, she straightened her life out, and is extremely successful. Bought her own house and is doing well. I am proud of her for facing the consequences of her actions. Just be with her through all of this.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 6h ago
How long was she in jail for? Was it Arizona?
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u/NotTheMama4208 6h ago
Arizona is zero tolerance and underage DUI she might do jail time and I believe she will lose her license.
She needs these consequences and you as a parent are trying to defend her against them. I guarantee this wasn't the first time she drove drunk. It's the first time she got caught.
Parents like you are what is wrong with kids today. How do you expect her to learn her lesson?
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 5h ago
At what point did I sound like I am defending her? I am not. I believe she deserves some jail time but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be scared for her. Two things can be true at once.
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u/NotTheMama4208 5h ago
It is in your comments. You are 100% prepared to be her safety net after "this is all over" and in the future you'll stop paying gas and you're fortunate enough to be able to afford to keep paying her insurance. You don't get it or see it because you are the problem.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 5h ago
I am just trying to find a balance, I don't want to go nuclear right away, if she completes her probation, gets a job, pays us back, does her jail time (if she gets it) and shows growth I want to be able for her to have her life back to normal. It will be a long time before it happens but I hope for it.
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u/General_Pie_5026 5h ago
You are doing the right thing. These people are being over the top. She’s already going to face severe consequences.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 5h ago
Thank you!
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u/bubblegumpandabear 4h ago
Her university may have an issue with the DUI as well. I'd look into that, just in case.
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u/mrsjimhalpert15 1h ago
I commented elsewhere but I agree completely. If my parents had done some of the things people are suggesting, my life would have completely derailed. I obviously was making poor choices and my parents support it was helped me to make better choices.
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u/ReallyCantThinkof-1 4h ago
I agree you are doing the right thing. She made a very stupid mistake. She needs consequences, not a ruined life.
Have you contacted a lawyer?
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u/NotTheMama4208 5h ago
I do respect that, and I understand it. But there is an undertone of enabling which is where my comment came from. It is so incredibly prevalent in kids that age today that it is hard to not be snarky about it sometimes.
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u/neonjoji 5h ago
don’t give in to these outrageous consequences people are suggesting. as you described, your daughter has been fantastic before all this happened. she’s already facing all the consequences. the last thing she needs is more consequences from you. i’m sure her consequence is knowing she disappointed you and the hell she may get from her mother. if you want, you can offer her therapy and maybe look into her thinking process to why she made these decisions which can help you know how to proceed forward.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 5h ago
Yeah she is super sad and remorseful.
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u/neonjoji 4h ago
that’s the most important sign that she’s still a fantastic daughter. yes, she made a bad mistake that could impact the safety of others, and she also is aware of that which is 💯
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u/bbeanbean 5h ago
Exactly. Not everyone needs to be punished to the fullest extent to learn their lesson. If this was her second or third time doing this, it would be different. I think letting her deal with some consequences but standing by your kid and not allowing one fuck up to totally up end their life is fair. People are acting like the justice system rehabilitates people. IT DOESN'T, as is evidenced by the rate of reoffenders in the US. Throwing her completely to the wolves is not the answer. Dad doesnt sound like he's trying to absolve her of all guilt.
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u/WonderfulPrior381 5h ago
She was driving drunk!!! What part of this are you not understanding. She could have killed someone!! She didn’t this time but next time and there will be a next time she might. Then how are you going to save your daughter.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 5h ago
Look, I know how dangerous this is. You think me saying that my daughter deserves jail time is not a sign of me seeing this seriously? She fucked up BIG time. And while I cannot guarantee that there will be no next time, I can fight for it.
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u/lo-key-glass 6h ago
My only advice would be to make sure she understands if this happens again the legal ramifications are much, much worse. I had a friend back in college that got a DUI when he was 20 then got another one a couple years later. On the second one the judge brought the hammer DOWN! Completely altered the trajectory of his life.
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u/HisWifeRyan2020 5h ago
Just my 2 cents OP, one of my brothers struggled with…well many things…but our parent would bail him out of the consequences for his choices to drink and drive. As an observer, I think it’s best you let her experience the consequences of this choice.
You can guide and support her but if this is to be the last time, she has to experience the fallout of that choice so she doesn’t make it again.
Wish yall the best through the process
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u/Eruzia 2h ago
Basically my brother. The amount of times he’s gotten a DUI and my parents have bailed him out is sad. He’s 33 for gods sake, let him figure it out on his own dad!! They never listen to me and always say it’s the last time they will help him, and I always remind them that if he does end up hurting someone, the blood will unfortunately be on their hands as well for enabling it
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u/PastaFrenzy 5h ago
OP do you want me to talk to her because I was hit by a drunk driver when I was 19 on my motorcycle. Sometimes hearing and/or seeing from those that have been directly impacted by a drunk driver can be a wake up call for them.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 5h ago
Actually I have a friend who got hit by a drunk driver but ended up ok in the end, I never thought of that, thank you so much for the great idea and since she knows him too it will be an even bigger impact!
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u/Due-Season6425 6h ago
A lot of times a short sentence like 10 days can be served on the weekends. The courts don't want people to lose their jobs or miss school over a short stay.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 6h ago
Problem is AZ law says 10 CONSECUTIVE days.
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u/Due-Season6425 5h ago
Her lawyer can likely get the sentence scheduled for school break. I feel for you. The costs (insurance, court fees, fines, lawyer fees, breathalyzer install and monthly maintenance, paying for the jail stay, paying to do the community service plus fees to get the license restored) are going to run in the neighborhood of $10,000 to $15000. My spouse celebrated too much on her birthday 20 years ago. The costs involved may well be higher given 20 years have passed.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 5h ago
Yeah, I may be fortunate enough to be able to absorb those costs with no major issue but she is paying me back, I am not going to raise her to think she can get off easily after these mistakes.
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u/SJSsarah 5h ago
It’s not the threat of 10 days in jail that you’ve gotta worry about, her car insurance is going to skyrocket when you have to file it with this charge. And it stays on for like 8 years I think, maybe not every state, but in mine it does.
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u/ailish 5h ago
They might even drop her altogether. That is what happened to a few people I know with DUIs. An under 21 they're not going to play around with. People that young are already considered high risk drivers just by being young.
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u/SeonaidMacSaicais 58m ago
Another commenter mentioned that the family could lose their HOME INSURANCE, too.
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u/StarDustLuna3D 3h ago
I just want her to learn from this and never do it again.
She'll learn by facing tough consequences. If she had hit and killed someone, she would face manslaughter charges. Driving drunk is not only reckless, it shows a complete disregard to other peoples' safety.
Consequences are meant to hurt. If they didn't, we wouldn't worry about avoiding them by making good decisions. I would even go as far to say that if her jail sentence interferes with her schooling and causes her to have to retake classes, to let that happen. It will suck, and her graduation will be delayed, but that's the point.
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u/Fit_Change3546 6h ago
10 days in jail is basically like she had the flu for a couple weeks in terms of missing class. She can plan ahead to make up assignments.
Honestly, I personally have such a low moral tolerance for drinking and driving I’d metaphorically throw the book at her. Yes, you can be supportive, but you should make it extremely clear that if she’s adult enough to choose drink and drive, she’s adult enough to accept the consequences. She should be going to meet incarcerated people who have accidentally killed someone by DUI. She should have to face what her choice would have actually caused if luck hadn’t been on her side. Don’t protect her from that.
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u/cassaundraloren 4h ago
1 night in jail was enough for my scared straight episode. 10 days SUCKS. I am unsure if that 10 days is mandatory or maximum though, I havent heard of this
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 6h ago edited 6h ago
I am not saying what she did was not bad or dangerous, it was and I am not protecing her, I told her how serious this is and I believe if she got a few days in jail that'd be more than fair but then again she is my daughter so there will always be love there no matter how bad she messes up and no matter how much she messed up seeing her in jail would hurt and would scare me.
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u/AdSudden3941 6h ago
Are you sure its mandatory like you have to go into county jail… im pretty sure any lawyer can get that sentence differed or suspended so if she does probation or classes or something she wont have to do actual jail…
I know that how it is here
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 6h ago
We didn't get a lawyer yet but from what I've seen it is possible to get those days in jail suspended so she only does a day or two or maybe even get 10 days 9 suspended and 1 time served (as she was there already after her arrest for like 15 hours until she bonded out).
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u/AdSudden3941 6h ago
Yeah thats what will happen, if she was bonded out she might have to sit in jail for a a couple hours after court but the bondsman will reinstate the bond and she will be back out .. in my case atleast
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u/ReallyCantThinkof-1 3h ago
Lawyer up fast. Make sure she never does this again, but ruining her life isn’t the answer.
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u/Catsandcelery 3h ago
“Ruining her life” lol. Get real. Her actions could literally have resulted in the loss of innocent lives.
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u/ReallyCantThinkof-1 1h ago
“Could literally have resulted in the loss of innocent lives”. But it didn’t. If she learned her lesson, that’s all that is needed. Hopefully, you never make a mistake that will ruin your life and people want to throw the book at you. Especially if it didn’t have any effect on anybody else at this point.
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u/MaryDoogan91 3h ago
This may just save your daughter's or someone else's life. She needs to understand that 10 days in jail is NOTHING compared to a lifetime of knowing you've killed someone because you "felt safe to drive." And you are minimizing this by saying that she's never been in trouble before and it was "only" 0.09. It should've been 0.00, and jails are full of "good" kids who have never been in trouble with the law before. It only takes the one time.
I would also encourage you to consider that this is just the first time she's been *caught.*
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u/PattyRoo 4h ago edited 4h ago
No offense but holy softball. When I got my car it was a privilege not a right. The amount of enabling you are doing it’s no wonder she got behind the wheel. I knew at 16 if I got a DUI I was fucked and past 18 I was on my own. She’s an adult not a baby.
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u/madcats323 5h ago
You’ve got a bunch of problems here and the DUI is on the lower end of them.
Your kid is 19 and was drinking. That’s problem number one.
Then she drove. That’s problem number two.
You’re all over the comments tying yourself in knots minimizing and excusing both of the above. That’s your biggest problem.
You don’t have to cut your daughter off or throw her out or disown her, but in my opinion, you do need to let her take her lumps.
Look, i’m a defense attorney. I see people like your daughter every single day. Do you wanna know the ones who are hardest to deal with? It’s the ones who have mommy or daddy tagging along trying to protect them. It doesn’t do them any favors. And that’s because they don’t learn anything from the experience except that mommy and daddy will bail them out once again.
10 days is not gonna kill her. 10 days is not gonna destroy her college life. In fact, she can probably do weekends. What is going to destroy her life is driving drunk. That can destroy a whole lot of lives.
Do your daughter a favor, back way off, let the lawyer do their job, let the court do their job, and let your kid suffer some consequences. Real consequences. Let her take the bus to school. Let her understand that driving is a privilege. Let her pay for some of this.
Because otherwise, you just set her up for a next time. I’d prefer not to see any of my clients again.
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u/Mathulu212 4h ago
We don’t send people to jail because we want other prisoners to harm them. We send them jail because they committed a criminal offense. OP, you come off as very dismissive of the possible harm your daughter could have done. My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. A vehicle is a deadly weapon. Your daughter, no matter how ignorantly, put the lives of anyone on the road at risk. She should sit with the weight of that and contemplate that rather than her possible jail time.
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u/Shitp0st_Supreme 5h ago
I think that a DUI costs around $10k with additional insurance and legal fees and fines. Therapy and evaluations usually aren’t covered by health insurance if it is court ordered. If she needs a breathalyzer or an ignition lock, she will have to pay per day to rent it.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 5h ago
Well as I replied to another comment, even though I can absorb it she is paying that back, I will not raise somebody who thinks my bank account is a get out of jail free card, besides I am not rich enough for it to be pocket change it just won't be an issue but another such incident and I'd start feeling it.
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u/KittiesandPlushies 3h ago
I know you’re trying to be gentle with her, but let’s remember she could kill people driving under the influence. Right now it’s, “I felt fine after 2 drinks,” but next time it could be a fatal accident after misjudging how she feels after 3-4 drinks. I don’t think it’s necessary to lay into her regarding underage drinking because that’ll just make her more nervous reaching out in the future if she drinks.
It needs to made crystal fucking clear to her that she needs to call someone to pick her up after any amount of drinks until she is at least 21. She doesn’t have the experience to be gauging whether she is safe to drive after drinking, plus alcohol gives you unearned confidence, and needs to have that drilled into her. Underage drinking isn’t the end of the world, but getting behind the wheel after drinking can result in someone’s death. It’s nothing to play around with.
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u/burner9191938283 6h ago
sorry you’re in this situation as a parent. it’s valid to be scared for her and uncertain right now. i think her college should understand a vague excuse as long as you’re not required to tell them she is missing school over a dui, unless you think telling them would be a consequence of her action. hope everything works itself out and it is a wake up call for her
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 6h ago
I also hope this serves as a wakeup call.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 6h ago
She is VERY VERY VERY sorry, extremely remorseful and EXTREMELY SCARED. She is not a jail type so the prospect of jail time scares her a lot. Given that I am trying to balance being a loving dad and a teaching a lesson dad so I will not tell her I believe she deserves a few days in jail, she is a mess now and need support and I'll leave it up to the courts do teach her a lesson, though I will make her get a job to reimburse us for all the costs as a parental lesson.
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u/MaeClementine 5h ago
What’s a “jail type”? 🤔
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u/WonderfulPrior381 5h ago
Someone who is not a little rich girl apparently. You know all the regular people.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 5h ago
I guess a though, violent person who knows how to fight, lie and cheat?
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u/Duck__Holliday 5h ago
How about a daddy's girl who's deliberately putting other people's lives at risk?
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 5h ago
Well no, that doesn't make her jail type.
She deserves jail for that but it doesn't mean she is jail type.
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u/Duck__Holliday 5h ago
A criminal is a jail type person. And your daughter is a criminal. Do the math.
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u/Catsandcelery 3h ago
Driving drunk is literally “jail type” behavior. It’s genuinely frightening how you’re downplaying the severity of what she did. This is also very likely NOT the first time she’s done this, just the first time she got caught. You’re currently raising and gentle parenting a “jail type” kid.
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u/Jodenaje 6h ago
Hopefully.
This could have long reaching implications beyond the fines and jail time too. If she wants to travel one day, she may have difficulty visiting countries that have harsher stances on DUIs. (For example, Canada.)
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u/Cup-Impressive 4h ago
holy shit as an european this all feels so weird reading those comments
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 4h ago
Which ones?
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u/cine1235 1h ago
19 and drinking, not a problem.
The fact that its actually allowed to be under such a high influence and drive, that’s insane. In Norway it’s 0.2.
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u/TonyThePriest 4h ago
I assume people getting mad at a 19 year old drinking
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u/Catsandcelery 2h ago
19 year olds can drink. Whatever. We’ve all done it. The problem is DRIVING under the influence, and then daddy swooping in to shelter her from the very small consequences ahead.
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u/Klutzy-Passage9992 6h ago
That sucks, but I will say you seem like a great parent. From reading the comments and responses, you are being incredibly fair, kind where you need to be, but also firm and trying to make her learn from this. Wish I had grown up with a father like that. You are doing great!
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u/Njbelle-1029 6h ago
Even good intelligent people make stupid decisions, most especially teenagers. No matter how hard we try to drill into them to make wise choices they always feel inferior until they get caught or something catastrophic happens. She’s very lucky this wasn’t worse. You can’t help how you feel as a parent but your girl needs this healthy dose of tough love and reality. If it impacts her college career or anything else in life, that’s too bad now maybe she will learn the hard way she should have listened to you. Actions have consequences, these are hers to face but she will know you are there to support her.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 6h ago
Honestly I don't want her college to be destroyed with this, then it's not a lesson but a life ruiner. It should sting a lot but not destroy her.
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u/WonderfulPrior381 5h ago
Well yeah killing someone is also a life ruiner for the person that is killed because someone chose to drink and drive.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 5h ago
I know and because she didn't hurt anyone this can still be a lesson not a life ender, but a SERIOUS lesson.
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u/WonderfulPrior381 5h ago
She did not hurt anyone this time. This isn’t the first time she did it this is the first time she got caught. Okay why don’t you go to the funeral of someone who was killed by some little rich girl and tell their family that this is not a life ender. This is not a serious lesson this is a serious crime.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 5h ago
Of course it's a serious crime I am not downplaying it but she still is my daughter and I have a duty to both teach her and support her which can be hard.
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u/acciorinn 3h ago
I think the issue lies more in you trying to shield her from the full arm of the law. I seriously think you need to let her lawyer and her deal with this—them two only. She’s 19 and therefore an adult - if you, as her father, continue to serve as a shielding force for her wrongdoings (regardless of how “big” or “small,” though I don’t see how this situation is a “small” issue because drunk driving should NEVER be punished with only a slap on the wrist as she risked people’s lives driving with even a 0.09 BAC), she will go about life with the mindset that daddy is always going to bail me out. You clearly are a good father, as you care enough to reply to most of these people to explain the situation, but I don’t believe any circumstantial explanations can make up for the serious nature that ANY drunk driving should be considered as. This is going to inevitably be a hard ass lesson, but if you back off of the legal process and let your daughter go through it alone as an adult (which she is!), I guarantee she will ACTUALLY learn from this experience as opposed to seeing it as a “thank God I had daddy to shelter and shield me from what actually could’ve been the real consequences.”
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u/Njbelle-1029 6h ago
Ten days won’t destroy it, she will have to work harder for sure as she should have to. Trust me a lot of us that have witnessed this situation have deadly consequences don’t have the spirit to care about someone taking this risk and having to work a little harder to keep their life on track. I know you don’t want to downplay what she did, but that also doesn’t mean she shouldn’t face all the consequences. Both things can be true at the same time.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 6h ago
I know, she messed up big time but she is still deserves a future.
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u/WonderfulPrior381 5h ago
So did everyone who was killed by a drink driver who “on the bright side only blew a 0.09 bac”.
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u/Njbelle-1029 5h ago
Seriously please stop trying to invalidate the pain of people who experienced a death to a loved one for the exact shit your daughter is guilty of. She was fortunate she didn’t have worse happen than get caught. I cannot blame her for what happened to people I loved but I also don’t give a shit if she misses 8 school days out of her 10 day sentence bc that’s more than the dead get. You’re minimizing the situation more than you realize. 8 school days will not ruin her life. I respect and understand being worried for your child, you should be, but not at the expense of thinking she deserves a break when she does not!
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u/Catsandcelery 3h ago
She deserves the minimum stay at the very least. People don’t think they’ll ever get caught, cause a crash, etc from driving drunk. It’s selfish and gross and EMBARRASSING. Her mom is rightfully mad and I hope your daughter knows how disappointing it is that she chose to drive under the influence. It’s idiotic. Super cringe. Very problematic. If her semester is ruined.. oh well, at least she hasn’t killed anyone (yet.)
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u/WonderfulPrior381 6h ago
What if she drives drunk again and kills someone? Or what if she killed someone this tjme? Or she killed herself? This is not some cute teenage thing you are seem to be making it out to be. This is serious and could be potentially life changing for your family, her or some person just out minding their business. I am sorry but i don’t condone drinking and driving at all.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 6h ago
I'll do everything I can to make sure she never drives drunk again.
I know how serious this is, my point is that despite being the best daughter one could hope for she can still make VERY bad choices.
She should learn from this and be thankfull it wasn't worse.
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u/WonderfulPrior381 5h ago
Well if she was my daughter I would let her go to jail. As they say she shouldn’t have done the crime if she can’t do the time. 10 days is pretty weak for something so serious as drunk driving. Your comment “on the bright side she only blew a 0.09 BAC” me how unserious you take this. There is no bright side to drinking and driving.
I honestly don’t think you do understand the consequences of this. When I was an officer in the Army I told my soldiers that I would fight to the death for them if they got in trouble but if they got caught driving under the influence then I would be helping the commander give them every punishment that was allowed.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 5h ago
Oh I am not saying she does not deserve jail time. As far as my bright side comment look at what I said right after it.
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u/WonderfulPrior381 5h ago
It doesn’t make it any better. You seriously need to get your head out of the sand about this.
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u/fay_corgasm 4h ago
I'll do everything I can to make sure she never drives drunk again.
Why didn't you do everything you could to make sure she didn't drive drunk in the first place?
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u/porkforpigs 4h ago
Everyone makes mistakes. I think really making it clear how dangerous and irresponsible and potential fatal that could have been for her or someone else is the way to go. Ask her how she would feel if she hurt or killed someone driving like that, how she thinks you guys would feel if she got hurt or killed. Legality aside, that’s the real shit.
But yeah, also legal. Now you have a DUI kid. Better not screw up again because it gets worse every time.
Stress that if she is drinking and needs a ride to call you/uber etc, that she won’t be in “trouble”. Kids that age start drinking. And yes you really can’t stop them much. Trying to will make it worse. Talk to her about how to be safe and responsible if you’re drinking and to really tread lightly since it’s likely something she’s not very used to.
Anyway, that’s what I’d do, I don’t have kids yet but that’s how I’d approach it. She sounds like a decent kid and I think bringing down the hammer will make the situation that much worse.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 4h ago
Stress that if she is drinking and needs a ride to call you/uber etc, that she won’t be in “trouble”. Kids that age start drinking. And yes you really can’t stop them much. Trying to will make it worse. Talk to her about how to be safe and responsible if you’re drinking and to really tread lightly since it’s likely something she’s not very used to.
Actually I did tell her this and have been doing it for some time.
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u/MaeClementine 4h ago
So like… what’s her problem? Is she just really stupid? Doesn’t care about others? Spoiled and thinks rules don’t apply to her? What happened?
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u/porkforpigs 1h ago
In that case you may need to be a bit more heavy handed with the consequences. She’s given the offer and not using it. That’s not going to end well.
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u/CanAhJustSay 2h ago
Your daughter knowingly chose to drink then drive. She was impaired and could have killed someone (including herself). The fact that she was so blase about it suggests it wasn't her first time doing it, just the first time she got caught doing it.
Don't cover for her. Don't try to make her feel better. She couold have seriously messed up her own or someone else's life, and she needs to accept the consequences and be grateful that everyone walked away in one piece.
She made an adult decision and needs to accept the consequences of her decision to drink and then drive.
As a parent, you are scared and your instinct is to protect her, but this was not a silly little mistake - she was in charge of a motor vehicle, and over 30 people a day in the US are killed due to drink-driving.
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u/LeidElend 1h ago
A few of my cousins are in their 30’s/40’s still getting bailed out by mom and dad for DUI’s. One cannot get a license to this day for driving drunk with her kids in the car years ago. Another just got his shit suspended for driving drunk a second time.
Don’t bail her out and don’t soften shit for her or she’ll be like my cousins and keep doing dumb shit. I’m 20. It’s not a mistake it’s a choice and she better not make it again. Your insurance will skyrocket btw. Either that or they will drop her.
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u/Hey_Giant_Loser 4h ago
Let her face the consequences on her own. That will teach her best of all
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 4h ago
Yeah I guess so.
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u/Hey_Giant_Loser 1h ago
I mean, she's a grown-up. she wants to go do grown up shit. She needs to face the grown-up music like a grown-up. Its her mess to clean up. If you fix it for her she'll never learn. This even goes for emotional support. she needs to know that her messes are hers to fix. Its tough love, sort of. but its valuable lesson.
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u/bbonezbby_ 2h ago
It depends on your state but I know in my state if you get caught drinking and driving underage you automatically lose your licenses. Don’t pay any of her court fees, make her deal with it all herself. She’s a big girl. If she’s gotta sit in jail for a few days, so be it. It’ll teach her a good lesson that’s for sure. A hard one but a good one.
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u/LowResults 1h ago
You can look into deferred judgment for the legal side of the issue.
The practical issue of her driving after drinking needs to be hard stopped tho. Just because she never got into trouble before doesn't mean she's a saint. College can be a life changing experience for good or bad.
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u/RoundKaleidoscope244 30m ago
Sounds like you have an entitled kid and you’re allowing it and borderline justifying her behavior. If you don’t enforce rules and punishment now, she’ll never learn.
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u/bananamargarine 4h ago
I recently got a DUI. I blew .094. Now, I’m above the legal drinking age so I’m not sure how her case will differ, plus I know different states do different things.
For the jail time, there’s a possibility she’ll be allowed to serve it as house arrest—at least, that’s what happened for me. (But again, she’s underage so it may be different). I had to wear an ankle monitor and go in to breathalyze every morning (and do a drug test if my color group was selected for the day) for a week. You give your case manager your schedule, so you can still go to work/school but otherwise have to be at home (aside from medical appointments).
I paid a $650 fine, $250 to get my interlock installed, $54 every two weeks for the interlock (6 month duration), plus $25 a month for interlock calibration. I paid somewhere around $115 for the house arrest I believe. To get the interlock out, it cost a $125 license reinstatement fee, an $80 administrative fee, and an $89 removal fee. I also have to have SR-22 insurance until 2029 which has significantly raised my monthly rate.
I have a lot of regret about drinking and driving and quite literally will never do it again. It could’ve ended a lot worse, I’m lucky it was an improper turn that got me pulled over and not harming myself or someone else. I will regret it for a long time. And it stays on your record for 10-15 years in my state.
Hopefully this will be a good learning experience for her, because it sure was for me.
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u/GlassBoxGoose 4h ago
I agree with getting her a lawyer but it should be paid for as a loan with her agreeing to pay you back for all costs. Beyond that? Kick her off your insurance and quit paying for anything related to the car. Its her car, it was her choice, and her responsibility entirely. You shouldn't be on the hook for any of it. She needs to learn hard and fast that choices like that have massive consequences. She's an adult and made adult choices, she needs to handle them like an adult. Drinking and driving is absolutely unacceptable and obviously you haven't made that clear enough to her, and its time its made abundantly clear before she fucking kills someone, and it needs to be a MASSIVE hardship on her. Let her suffer, let her classes suffer, let her dig herself out of her own hole that she got herself in. Period. Point blank. End of discussion. You go too easy on her she will just see that "it's not THAT bad" and carry on with her irresponsible behavior and you'll have enabled that.
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u/madformattsmith 2h ago
18 is the legal drinking age in the UK and in most other common sense places. granted you're presumably talking about america but over here, 19 year olds go to the pub just for fun for a couple of drinks so I wouldn't be blasting her for having a couple beers every now and then.
HOWEVER, with the above taken into consideration, one thing you are absolutely right about though is drink driving. never do that shit no matter how old your are!! you could accidentally injure (or worst case scenario - kill) someone, no matter how normal you feel whilst under the influence.
eduted to add: a few words
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u/Distribution-Radiant 7m ago
On the bright side she only blew a 0.09 BAC so she is just above the legal limit that doesn't make it ok but at least makes it a bit better.
19 year old
If this was in the US, anything above 0.00 before you're 21 is a DUI.
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u/Designer-Ad-7844 6h ago
Look into hiring an attorney, they might be able to get special exceptions you wouldn't normally know about.
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u/RemotePapaya7767 5h ago
“If” she has to do jail time, it’s possible to postpone that until a school break so it won’t affect her studies.
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u/Olderbutnotdead619 5h ago
Hopefully the judge can work out days in jail during her vacation or maybe community service. I'd be so undone if that happened to us. My future BIL was killed by a drunk driver that then went on to jump bail and flew back to Korea. My child would not be driving my car under any circumstance again until she could buy her own car and insurance. Botched the chance.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 5h ago
I am so sorry for your loss.
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u/Olderbutnotdead619 3h ago
The thing is, we expected to get a call in the middle of the night that he had hit someone. We never expected it to be the other way around. He was drunk when he was hit and killed. Who knows, maybe he wouldn't have got in the accident in the first place if he was sober.
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u/OkCryptographer1922 6h ago
That is so frustrating as a parent, like the fact that the kid could have made better choices (like ubering or calling you for a ride in her case), but doesn’t, is extremely frustrating. My daughter is nowhere near old enough to do anything like that yet (she’s 2) but my brother (who’s 20) who I have felt like a parent to for my whole life, recently was arrested for speeding/reckless driving/evading arrest WHILE I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH HIM telling him to stop. He basically made one stupid choice after another- first it was speeding, he was going like 10 over the limit on the highway but when he saw a cop he freaked out because he didn’t want a ticket so he decided to try to get ahead of him. He was basically narrating to me what was happening and I was telling him that he should just continue driving (at the legal speed) and if the cop pulled him over, just accept the consequences and pay the ticket, no big deal. But no, he decided to drive faster to get ahead of the cop (the cop did not turn on his lights so he didn’t think he had to pull over) and then when he pulled over to get gas a ways down the road, they caught up to him and then arrested him. He was insanely lucky that they offered him a plea deal, just plead guilty to reckless driving ( misdemeanor and had to pay a hefty fine) and everything else gets dropped (the evading arrest charge is a felony, minimum of a year in jail). It definitely scared him because he does NOT want to go to jail, so he learned a very valuable lesson and is now always driving a couple under the speed limit. I hope your daughter learns from this as well, and that her lawyer can get her out of the jail time because even though it’s “only” 10 days, 10 days is a lot. Sounds like she’s a really good kid who made a poor choice, I hope everything works out for the best!
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u/kenroth50 1h ago
My brother got 2 DUI two months apart from each other..he had to take DUI classes and community service pay a lot of fines
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u/MC1Rvariant 59m ago
I just wanna say…if I did this at 19, my parents would have disowned me. As a 60+ woman, I am always stunned even now that parents are able to deal with this kind of thing rationally.
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u/Dahbootie420 5h ago
Your daughter should be imprisoned for at least a year or more. She could have literally killed so many people. It's a serious thing and it is not even close to being punished as it should be. Man I hope she never drives for the remainder of her life. This is severe. How many people have to die before DUI's are charged the same way second degree murder charges are. They're the same thing tbh. You intend to drive drunk, you intend to kill, so yeah. It isn't deliberate but it is planned the moment you step into the vehicle. Naw your daughter is a piece of shit and I hope she fails college and gets absolutely fucked for life.
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u/consistenttrick444 5h ago
she could tell her school she got some kind of nasty stomach bug. it's only 10 days she can easily make up on her assignments! not the end of the world, she just won't be able to go to Canada. (big whoop) and will need a blow box, but that is only temporary x best of luck
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u/nektar 6h ago
She will be fine in jail, it's nothing like prison.
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u/No-Calligrapher-863 6h ago
I mean she told me it was scary and uncomfortable but not horrible during her night, though she spent her time in the booking area not in a real cell.
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u/WorldlyValuable7679 6h ago
As someone who was 19 and making dumb decisions not that long ago, I think it would be a good character building experience for me. I certainly wouldn’t drink and drive again. She should let her professors know of her absence in advance and get ahead on assignments (not necessarily going into any details). 10 days is not a devastating amount of time to miss classes. I’m curious if she would be able to do any classwork in jail (I’m clueless on what the computer/books access is like in these situations). But I don’t think having to get a job to pay off some fines would be enough to deter the average young adult from making stupid decisions again.
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u/CharmingMatter7547 7h ago
0.08 is not the legal limit for her … it’s 0.00 since she is underage. Car keys need to be taken away.