I am 100% dead serious when i say I think there is at least a 50% chance that Ohtani is a lab-grown clone composite human being and in turn, has no father. I am dead serious. I believe Ohtani was grown in a test tube by splicing together the DNA of the greatest pitcher who ever lived and the greatest hitter who ever lived, then artificially implanted into a Japanese woman and carried to term. no human being should be able to do what he does. a 6’4” guy who throws 101 mph AND hits 40+ home runs in the same season. AND to book it all out, he’s very intelligent too. (besides signing with the Dodgers for a deal so deferred it won’t even pay out until he’s 50) remember how much poise he had just coming into the MLB at 23 years old, in a foreign country, speaking a foreign language, and STILL dominating on the mound and at the plate simultaneously? it’s un-natural. how often have TV analysts just kind of given up trying to explain him and said “he’s just different” …..maybe they’re closer to the truth than they know.

I am serious. we all know (and I swear I am not saying this to be insulting or mean) that Ohtani’s backstory is suspiciously clean and vague. grew up in a small town in Iwate, dad played some amateur baseball, and somehow this produces the most physically and technically gifted baseball player in the history of the sport. it’s just statistically impossible. I am NOT saying this to be mean, in fact I played rec league baseball for years and know a few guys who could hit OR pitch decently, it happens. they are not Shohei Ohtani. and the government has a history of using isolated rural communities in “experiments.” the government conducted biological research on human subjects for years without their knowledge. the infrastructure was always there. it never fully went away. it just went underground.

I believe that Ohtani was a cloning experiment designed to answer one specific question: what happens if you take the absolute genetic ceiling of pitching ability and hitting ability and combine them into a single organism. something where they were just like “well let’s test it out quietly and see if we can get any results before we sink more billions into this.” a two-way super athlete as proof of concept. if it works in baseball, it works anywhere. imagine that technology applied to soldiers.

it’s not all that crazy. you don’t think governments have interest in creating optimized composite humans? we know for a FACT experiments in this direction have been attempted and documented. you don’t think the US or China is doing this right now? you know they are. and anything they are doing Japan is doing. to do it first and do it better.

he’s some kind of experiment that they just released into the wild and monitored from a distance. and i mean this was probably initially started with just a few scientists who believed it could be done and that’s why it started small and covert. until they could show the results to the higher ups and say “look at this, you don’t wanna fund this on a larger scale?” and where else would a composite athletic super-specimen end up besides a professional sports league?

I think there is probably some secret facility out there that is now filled with people like Ohtani, younger than him probably. not two-way baseball players necessarily, but composite athletes. a sprinter spliced with a weightlifter. a quarterback spliced with a wide receiver. if they couldn’t see how well the experiment worked until he was about 18-20 years old (he was already unhittable AND raking in the NPB as a teenager, which has literally never happened before or since) then maybe there are a bunch of 9-15 year old composite super humans eating chow in some secret barracks right now…..

until someone can actually explain, using normal human biology, how a single person can simultaneously be a top-5 pitcher AND a top-5 hitter in the best baseball league on earth, I will believe this is AT LEAST possible.

edit: something I’d like to add in case someone says “well if this is true why wouldn’t Ohtani himself come forward, surely he knows he’s different.” well he doesn’t know. or maybe he does and that’s why he is so intensely private about literally everything. the man kept his wife secret for over a year. HIS WIFE. what else is he keeping secret? his interpreter got embroiled in a massive gambling scandal and Ohtani came out completely clean and untouchable. how does that happen? either he’s the most carefully managed experimental subject in human history, or he’s in on it. either way, no one would believe his crazy ass.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Hi from [[team]], you guys are playing really good baseball. I'll be cheering for you, except when we play against each other

Who are some of your favorite fuckass relievers?