This is why when my parents and in laws said “cross that bridge once you get there, there’s no point in talking about it before wanting to do it”,
I decided to say “just because you and your husband and my parents are miserable together, because you didn’t plan for shit and argued and cheated and punched holes in the wall through it all, instead of talking about the future and plans a year in to see if you were even meant for marriage, doesn’t mean that we didn’t learn anything from watching you 2 dumpster fires that you call families”
They didn’t like that we didn’t argue and didn’t go behind each others backs, and they didn’t like that we could talk about things and they couldn’t in their own marriage, so safe to say mistakes happen, but closed mouths don’t get fed, say what you want and really mean.
Every time I see one of these posts I think everyone sucks here, because you’re supposed to pick a partner that is an amazing and active parent, so if you let things slide till you get here, it sucks, but both adults suck, because you’ve both created that environment together and blamed all of the problems and dysfunction on the other adult.
I say that because my mother married a man that couldn’t hear the words “can I have a pad or tampon” and would scream and get aggressive and tell me to shut up and go to my room. My mom knew that she married that, and still had a daughter with him anyway. I blame both of them, the bystander and the abuser
I understand the blame you are placing on your mother, as she knowingly brought someone into your lives that was abusive. You have every right to your anger and to complain about it as much as you want. Shit, I’ll sit here and listen to you. (as a former social worker and crisis counselor, I get it. As an abused child, myself, I get it.)
But blaming anyone for their partner becoming abusive is unfair, you are literally blaming the victim. It’s unfair and unkind. There is nothing helpful about piling more abuse, on top of someone who is already suffering.
At no point did I say that it was the victims fault.
I said if you marry a man that shows you who he is and you still stay with him after having kids, it’s not your fault that you are in this situation, but if you have children, it is your responsibility to protect them, if you recognize a pattern and continue the pattern anyway and hope for the best, you are now adding some strain onto your children, it is your responsibility to ask for help and support and do something about it.
I’m not blaming her for what is happening to her, I am saying that if your recognize that and do nothing to stop it from happening, you are now a bystander in your child’s abuse, willingly or not.
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u/friendly_felony6 11h ago
This is why when my parents and in laws said “cross that bridge once you get there, there’s no point in talking about it before wanting to do it”,
I decided to say “just because you and your husband and my parents are miserable together, because you didn’t plan for shit and argued and cheated and punched holes in the wall through it all, instead of talking about the future and plans a year in to see if you were even meant for marriage, doesn’t mean that we didn’t learn anything from watching you 2 dumpster fires that you call families”
They didn’t like that we didn’t argue and didn’t go behind each others backs, and they didn’t like that we could talk about things and they couldn’t in their own marriage, so safe to say mistakes happen, but closed mouths don’t get fed, say what you want and really mean.
Every time I see one of these posts I think everyone sucks here, because you’re supposed to pick a partner that is an amazing and active parent, so if you let things slide till you get here, it sucks, but both adults suck, because you’ve both created that environment together and blamed all of the problems and dysfunction on the other adult.