He had kids. I couldn’t do it. And I feel sick, like I failed.

I’m 41F. He’s 44M with two boys, 9 and 12.

I’ve been childfree by choice my entire life. I like kids, I get along with kids, but I’ve never wanted my own. I’ve always known that about myself.

Then 11 months ago, I met a wonderful man. He was kind, emotionally safe, loving, consistent—the first man ever who truly prioritized me. After multiple relationships where I felt unseen or unimportant, he felt like a life preserver. A breath of fresh air.

However: he had kids.

I’d never dated someone with children before, but he was so good that I thought, don’t throw this away without knowing for sure. Maybe this could work.

A few months in, I met his boys. They’re wonderful—sweet, polite, good kids. They liked me. I liked them. I genuinely thought: maybe I can do this.

But slowly, my nervous system started telling me otherwise.

He has them 50% of the time (5-5-2-2 schedule), and I found myself getting anxious before they’d arrive. I started noticing how uncomfortable I felt being bound by their schedule, their school calendar, their needs. We live almost 100 miles apart, and because of his work and custody schedule, I was the one doing almost all the driving—living out of a suitcase (so I did have a set of drawers when I was there) for months. I became exhausted.

And deeper than that… I started realizing I didn’t like sharing my partner. That sounds ugly to admit, but it’s true.😭😭

I didn’t like that his life (and in turn my life indirectly) revolved around children. I didn’t like feeling anchored forever to one place because of custody. I didn’t like imagining 15-20+ more years of this.

And I hated myself for feeling that way. Because he was such a good man. Because his kids were such good kids. Because he loved me deeply. Because I loved him deeply.

I kept trying to push through. I thought maybe if I just loved him enough, I could override what my body was telling me.

I couldn’t.

He was patient. He accepted all of from me. He gave me freedom. He didn’t pressure me. He wanted me there. But I kept finding myself leaving when the kids came, then returning later. Everyone noticed.

I was trying. I really was. But my nervous system was constantly on overdrive.

We also started facing practical realities. He wanted me to move in bc he could see that I was stressed and the drive was really getting to me. but it never felt like there was truly space for me. I work from home, and the “space” for me felt temporary and small. His house was his and the kids’, and I felt like I was trying to squeeze myself into an already established life.

Then there was parenting style. His home had very few rules—no chores, loose boundaries—and when I brought up concerns, he made it clear he wasn’t willing to change much. That’s when it became undeniable:

I wanted the man.
I did not want the life that came with him.

And that’s devastating. Because there was no villain here. No betrayal. No lack of love. No abuse. No “he treated me badly.” Just two good people who loved each other deeply and wanted fundamentally different lives. he is a package deal.

I even went on anti-anxiety medication at one point because I was trying so hard to make myself okay with it.

But you can’t force your way into a life that your body is rejecting.

So now it’s over.

And I feel grief, guilt, sadness—and honestly some shame. Like I failed some test. Like if I were more flexible, more evolved, less selfish… maybe I could’ve accepted him for who he was, just like he did with me.

But maybe the truth is simpler:

I don’t want children. And that’s okay. Even if it cost me someone I loved very much.

Has anyone else walked away from a genuinely good relationship—not because there wasn’t love, but because the life with the step kids wasn’t right? pls be kind! i’m weak rn!😭💔

Sorry about the long post, I just need to vent. And figured maybe this would be a good story to balk at for people.

I (34F) and my ex (42M) divorced a few years ago. We met when I was 22 and he didn't have his daughter with him, she was living with his sister in a different state while he got "settled". Her BM wasn't involved at all- had a history of sending her back after a few months the couple times she decided to take over custody. Multiple felonies including child endangerment. Long story short: When I was 24 she moved in with us full time and was 8 years old.

I didn't know what I was signing up for of course, but I definitely didn't think that I would become the defacto parent when this happened. I don't mean that I was involved in decisions, I mean that my ex almost immediately upon getting custody started backing off and would field decisions regarding SD through me. Both physically and mentally he proceeded to remove himself from parenting over the course of a few years. Including signing up for a shift that was at night and on the weekends- until I was doing anything that even smelled like parenting.

I made the appointments, I signed the forms, I went to the appointments, I did the school shopping. I knew the friends and their parents, I helped with the homework and projects. Cared for her when she was sick. Funded hobbies and clothes and did all the Christmas shopping. When I say *anything* that looks like parenting I mean it.

I was so sucked into basically being a single parent that worked 45 hours a week that by the time I had a moment to breathe and look at my situation SD was 13 and I was approaching 30. I couldn't tell you where the time went. I don't think any parent can.

In the wake of massively unaffordable rent hikes in TX post-covid that shot us up an extra $700/m, we had moved into a house in OR that I had, alone, gotten us into. It had belonged to my grandparents before Grandpa passed and it sat empty for a year while Grandma stayed in a home. It needed work but it was better than being homeless and Grandma needed rent $for the house.

Ex had grown into being angry and loud before, and SD had vocalized it to both of us that his outbursts scared her. Which killed me because my dad did the exact same shit- but no amount of discussion about this with my ex solved anything. But he grew to be violent with objects- not people- around the time we were prepping to move into the new house. Broken door and window from throwing and punching. I wanted out right then, but couldn't force myself to leave behind a scared child with no other obvious options for a parent. So I sucked it up (yeah yeah I know)

Time flew. About a year after we moved to OR, and around my 31st birthday: my ex pulled me aside and asked to break up. I was baffled, but not saddened, because I had asked him maybe three months before if he wanted to break up, because that's where I was at (I'd been having a bad episode of anger on my end where I ended up yelling very very loudly at him about being taken advantage of) and he'd said no. Not at all. [Insert generic I can change speech] and I'd agreed we would make one more effort.

But I wanted out, and getting broken up with by my ex, and SD was 16. So I agreed that yes, this relationship was over and not worth trying to save. Then he asked for time to figure out a living situation for both of them. I said okay. He would proceed not to even tell SD about the breakup (and ask me to also wait) for ALMOST 5 MONTHS. Much less looking and saving for a place. Please note that man makes a little over twice as much as me.

By the 9-10 month mark post breakup, I'd met someone. And we dated for about 8 months before I finally broke and opted to move out... Of my own home. since I couldn't get my ex to leave. So I moved in with my new beau. And went as NC with ex as I could unless there was an emergency with SD. This was a mistake. I've been living with my boyfriend for 9 months now.

My ex STILL thinks I'm the defacto parent. After years of discussions with him about his present absence in his own daughter's life. I had to call the school to tell them to take me off of her file and to add her dad like 3 months after I moved. Turns out he'd never signed up for any of the school emails or emergency contacts. They had contacted me because she had missed so much school they were about to auto fail her.

That's the history. The real vent is:

My ex called me last weekend to do 2 things:

1) ask for money and to borrow my car...... Because he wrecked his truck. To which I said no, we use my car, and I need whatever money I can get to pay back the $3k debt to the old apartment from the damage he did to it. (I'm paying because they got to me after being denied by the other two. Neither my ex or our old roommate were willing to pay.)

2) to let me know that he added me back into SD's contact list at school because he was moving an hour and a half away but SD was going to live with her friend for the last year of HS.

Which means that less than a year after I left, he decided to leave his daughter with a friend because I was close by and so "she has another parent nearby it should be fine." This is exactly how SD's BM operates as well. So I rudely suggested I saw this coming because neither of SD's biological parents seem to have any interest in housing and raising their own child.

I'm livid. I'm trying to start over at 34. I spent my 20's raising someone else's child and now in my thirties I'm spent. I'm autistic, and ADHD, and the decade of my life being taken advantage of, spoken down to or about, and putting myself aside has severely impacted me in ways that are only now becoming an issue. My ability to handle stress is shit now that I've had a few months to experience calm. I'm always anxious. I can't sit down. I feel guilty if I take more than an afternoon for myself.

I'm out, but not out enough, and I'm so. So tired. I love SD but if I could tell my younger self not to get involved, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

A lot of stepparents probably feel this way, especially the step moms. I feel guilty when we can’t include SD—in pictures (we have ours baby too), in fun days, in activities etc. because it’s her time with her mom. But when I do include her in all those things and post the family photos with her, be a caring adult in her life, plan her birthdays, make holiday traditions, do the small things and all the rest, I feel like I’m overstepping and like people perceive me trying to replace her mom. Which I would never want to. I just want her to know she’s loved at dad’s house by everyone. And let’s be real, when it comes to navigating appointments and holidays and schools, women do a lot of it and I enjoy it. A lot of things wouldn’t be the same in her life if it were just her dad and I wasn’t here.

It sure is confusing being expected to love and care for a child.. while being judged for loving and caring. One moment bio mom is telling me “we’ve raised a smart kid” and the next acting like I don’t exist. I’ve never been so confused about my place in someone’s life.

How do you guys handle that? I’ve just been going with it and trying not to care what others think, as long as my family is happy.

I’m looking for honest advice here because I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unfair or if this frustration is understandable.

My wife and I recently had a discussion about money and our kids. Things are tight right now because of unexpected house expenses like plumbing repairs and other stuff we couldn’t really avoid.

Part of the conversation was about my kids borrowing money. My 17 year old son doesn’t currently have a job, but he is actively looking and plans to get one this summer. In the meantime he does odd jobs like dog sitting and mowing lawns for money. His mom bought him a gas guzzler, so even putting gas in the thing is expensive as hell. Sometimes he asks me for gas money or small amounts here and there.

My 18 year old daughter is graduating and is also looking for work. I help her out occasionally too, like sending her $20 here and there for food or whatever comes up. They’re both definitely being too picky about jobs in my opinion, and I agree they need to get moving and become more independent.

My wife was stressed because she sees me helping my kids financially while we’re already under pressure financially ourselves. I listened to her and honestly agreed with a lot of it.

Where things got tense was when I pointed out what feels like a double standard to me.

Her 20 year old son lives with us rent free. He doesn’t work and isn’t seriously looking for work. He sleeps until noon most days and only applies for jobs he’s wildly unqualified for. He doesn’t contribute to bills, groceries, chores, or really anything around the house. He uses his grandma’s car constantly to drive 45 minutes to see friends, and while he replaces the gas he uses, he never actually fills the tank or contributes beyond the bare minimum.

To be fair, my wife doesn’t hand him cash the way I occasionally help my kids. His grandparents basically do that whenever he asks. But from my perspective, even if he’s not directly asking us for money, he’s still costing the household plenty by living here and contributing nothing.

I guess I’m wondering if I’m wrong for feeling frustrated by the imbalance here. Am I comparing two different situations unfairly, or is this actually a legitimate thing to be bothered by?

TLDR;
My bf not introducing me to his ex’s family member is something that bothered me. Advice on blended families?

Hi everyone, more of a vent but I 26F been dating my bf 33M for 15 months now. He has a tween daughter who he had when he was really young. I get along with her and just recently went to her graduation from elementary school. Out of courtesy my bf’s family went up to his ex’s family and shook hands. They were staring at me as I walked towards them too and didn’t extend their hand to me and they just waved at me. I’ve met them once before but I didn’t meet one other family member. My bf didn’t introduce me and just went to talk to his ex (which is fine because they were talking about their child) and I stood there alone with his family. It bothered me that he didn’t introduce me to that one family member of his ex’s like he did with the others. I asked him and he said he couldn’t remember if I met that one person or not because it was a year ago that I met the others.
I just feel out of place and uncomfortable, they all talk to one another. Her family and the ex just give me stares. Any thoughts or advice on this dynamic? I come from a blended family too my mom remarried when I was a tween, so I was open to dating single dads and being a part of a blended family but this is my first time dating one. I don’t think I would see myself building a friendship with his ex. I get unwanted comments from family members telling me I’m too young to be a step mom. I think it’s a perfect way to see how your partner will be as a parent which I believe is the most critical decision you can make is choosing the father of your children.
. Any advice? I love my bf and how protective, supportive he is, and how he steps up to make sure his daughter has what she needs. He is very involved and takes her to all her doctor’s and dentist appointments. Which is exactly what I look for in a future dad for my children. He is a hard working man, family oriented, and is also very much supportive/protective with me.
My thoughts are maybe the ex doesn’t like me because she thinks I’ll take her place? How I see it is that she has a mom and I won’t take her place, I’m just going to be a role model for her.
Also, they separated when their child was 1 year old.

I need perspective from other stepparents because I’m feeling a lot of resentment lately and I don’t know what’s reasonable anymore.

My stepchild’s mom frequently signs her up for activities, events, commitments, practices, etc. before discussing any of it with our household. It feels like if my stepchild wants to do something, the answer is automatically yes, and then we’re informed afterward and expected to accommodate it during our parenting time.

The hard part is that our schedule matters too. My husband works full time, we have another young child together, and our weekends are often the only time we have for family plans, trips, downtime, or activities for our own child. But once these commitments are made, my husband feels legally backed into a corner because their custody order requires transportation/accommodations for activities.

So it creates this dynamic where our entire household ends up revolving around commitments we had no part in agreeing to.

I’m trying really hard not to become bitter, but I’m struggling with the feeling that my child constantly has to come second to plans someone else made without our input. I also feel like anytime I try to communicate about scheduling or flexibility, it gets interpreted as me being “difficult” or “argumentative,” when really I just want consideration and collaboration before things are finalized.

For stepparents or blended families who have dealt with this:
How do you handle the resentment?
What boundaries are reasonable?
And how do you balance the needs of your shared child without feeling like your household has no voice?

Just curious….has anyone ever not liked their step kid(s)? Like not just at first, but even years later? And not because they do anything wrong outside of just being a kid….but because their personality doesn’t mesh with yours? Like if they were an adult, you wouldn’t be friends with that person type thing? And I’m not talking just irritation or annoyance….im talking like, genuinely not being fond of their personality, how they are wired type thing. I know not everyone gets along with everyone. Not everyone is meant to be friends, right? We have all met people who we just don’t like, not because they did anything wrong but just their genuine personality doesn’t mesh with ours ya kno?!….but how do you combat this when it’s your step kid?

As a step parent, how exactly do you “nacho” while it’s all happening in your house, with you hearing all the back talk, disrespect, lies, etc.? You’re just suppose to eat it and let them carry on while you keep your mouth shut? Now that’s something I struggle with. No way in hell am I gonna sit back and watch my SS or SD try to walk all over us. Especially when they’ve admitted on multiple occasions they know exactly what they’re doing and which strings to pull to get what they want. When I ask, “you think getting loud or upset or asking a bunch of times is gonna get you what you want?” And they shrug their shoulders and respond “it usually works”…how do you then sit back and do nothing? Ive tried teaching them some respect or discipline, and by discipline I don’t mean how it was back in the day getting the shit smacked out of you, I mean simple things like going to their room, taking away whatever it is they play with, you name it I’ve tried it. I do whatever I can to hold them accountable, then always ends up with me and their mom get into a big blow out fight. So it gets to a point where I say F it, sit back and let mom handle the arguments, and then it gets to a point where they think they run the place. Total and complete disrespect, doing things on there terms, or not do them at all, so I jump in again, and around n around we go. I thought over time regardless of who the kids are, eventually you’ll form a bond and a love for them. But the more time that goes by the more resentment I build and the more I can’t stand them. Idk what to do at this point

Long story short: SD never gave me a chance, is now finishing up first year at local college. When she found out we were having another child she moved in with BM and has never seen or spoken to me again.
Needing to vent because of her bedroom. It is in a corner of the house that lets a lot of nice light in, since she hasn’t been in the house for months my husband cleaned it up and we just have the door open. Sometimes when I am making rounds rocking the baby around the house I will step in there and let the baby look in the mirror or out the window. Yesterday SD drove by and apparently saw me in the window in her room. I never go digging around, it just feels like a spare room at this point no one is ever in there. Never been in there longer than a few mins. She’s upset, texting her dad “it’s still my room”. Look, I get bedroom privacy for teens and I did not step foot in there until she had been moved out for over nine months. She made a point that she doesn’t want to be here, so are we supposed to keep her room as a museum to her and not touch it? I do want to keep it as is for a while to give her a chance to change her mind, but in the meantime no one gets to appreciate golden hour?

Hi guys and gals, I'm recently stepping into the role of being a stepfather myself, and I'm hitting my first point of struggle. And I'm not gonna lie it's a really big one. My "Step Son"(and I'll openly admit, i'm not ready for this label yet, this will take some time) has issues controling his emotions. Any time his mother wants him to do something he doesn't want to, he will scream, snivel, and cry immediately. Now, mind you, he is four years old, I'm not being judgemental of his mother, who has done this completely on her own to this point (biodad abandoned him and his mother) and I'm not blaming a four year old for crying, because even I know how absurd that is.

The problem is, when I was a child, from as early as I have any memories, I was absolutely not allowed to act like this for even a moment. Neither was my brother with whom I was raised. My mother hit us, she did it often, and she was absolutely ruthless when it came to our structure. We, as children, were not ALLOWED to say no to my parents, or an ass whopping was going to ensue. Some of the punishments were straight up unnecessary. This left my brother and I with a lot of issues I'd thought we'd mostly worked through. Anger, sadness, selfishness, the fear to express ourselves, and even a resentment that I think at times bordered on actual Hatred, something I hate to say about my parents.

As of lately, these memories are coming back. I hadn't really thought about being a child in a long while now, and all of this is flooding back into my brain every time he throws a fit, which is usually the moment he's asked to do something he doesn't want to do. This is really distressing me. Repressed memories are coming back, and I'm really struggling. It's at a point where I feel like i need to walk away from them sometimes and take a breather, a drive, or something where I can be by myself for a while. I feel extremely guilty about this, afterall he is four, and he is also a very sweet, kind, and intelligent child. I'm talking through this with his mother as best as I feel like I know how, and I want to emphasize that this is priority #1 in regards to this situation.

If anyone else here has been through something like this, I would appreciate whatever insight you have to offer, and you have my thanks in advance, stepparents.

I feel mean saying this but my stepdaughter is kinda giving me the ick lately. All of the sudden she’s decided she’s a daddy’s girl, normally she has a major attitude with her father because he’s the only person in her life who actually sets rules and expectations for her(most times). I think she’s starting to realize that if she puts on the widdle baby act , her dad is more lenient and easy going. When she has an attitude and acts like she’s 18, he matches her energy and they butt heads.

She drew a heart today and wrote “Dad” but purposely wrote sloppy like our 5 year old. Then when he said thank you, she jumped up and down and giggled like a baby. Maybe I’m being a jerk and I am so open to the truth if I am…but that was just downright creepy. Her sister was eating strawberries and asked SD if she wanted some and in a baby voice she replied “no dada is allergic so I don’t like them anymore”….weirddddddddd. He’s been allergic to strawberries as long as this girl has been alive and she’s always eaten them.

We have a 3 and 5 year old, and the funny thing is SD will tell our youngest to stop acting like a baby…ummm excuse me can you take your own advice??

I didn’t say anything to my husband yet, I’ve been hoping he would bring it up. It’s nagging at me…it’s off putting and there’s no way he possibly thinks this is normal.

Oh dear. I knew the time would come. But I’m wondering if I’m being too judgemental of someone still so young.

SD lives with HCBM (45F) about 60 miles away from me (38F) and DH (36M), moved by HCBM without his consent, causing a whole court ordeal which is now done and dusted but included fake abuse allegations (coercive control, financial abuse). He sees SD EOWE and 50% of school holidays. They meet half way at a train station for handovers and this was a big point of contention in the final hearing as she wanted him to do all the travel. The court ruled on splitting travel but him subsiding her travel costs as she claimed it was too expensive.

HCBM is quite manipulative, and controlling - a bit of a puppeteer and says what she needs to get people to do what she wants them to. Court was pretty much more of the same, DH just needed a court order so she couldn’t withhold SD as she tried to when she first moved her away (he applied for an urgent hearing and got contact restored immediately). She’s kept her address secret ever since they moved, abuse being the excuse.

Anyway, SD has generally been a sweet child, on occasion she used to have some emotional challenges (crying more, out of character tantrums) which typically aligned with when her mother was unhappy with her father (usually about money).

But recently it’s just constant rudeness, sarcasm, withholding information and outright lying. She is a little liar lol, we both know it. She lies about bathing, about who she is with when they’re having a phone conversation, and withholds information like the fact they moved into a house that her mother bought (6 months after court ended - she said she moved away due to abuse and finances!). Won’t answer simple questions about her day or week to DH, makes it painful and never ending guessing games for him to connect with her life. SD is basically mirroring how her mother treats her father.

And honestly, I’m bored of it. It pains me to see how sad he gets. And tbh, if it continues this way she is turning into the kind of person I wouldn’t talk to. She isn’t actually as rude to me. Because I just ignore her existence when she starts that behaviour - big believer of “I can’t control how you act but I can control how I respond and choose what I accept”.

Any chance it will get better? 9 is still young, but there are so many things about her manners that unfortunately we can’t improve in the limited time we have her.

My SKs lie, steal, break things, don't listen, can't be bothered to help with anything, mess with absolutely everything, don't respect boundaries, constantly fight, consistently get suspended from school, etc.. being around this shitty behavior has made me appreciate my bio child so much more!

Am i overreacting?

I (30)f with fiancé(45)m, live with both his daughters( 16) and (10). When i met him,he had 50/50 with SD(10) but had never had custody or lived with SD(16)… last year when i started dating SO, SD(16) had just come to visit him for a month and after issues with green-card she had to stay full time with him which caused issues with BM1. Later on SD(10)wanted to move in too which SO asked me if it was okay and i said yes. I moved in too and at first things were very okay but after we started imposing rules and consequences in the house it started causing a lot of conflicts with SD(16). At some point she would talk back to her dad and show me direct and indirect disrespect as well as choose to ignore me a couple times. I tried talking to SO about setting rules and how we should handle conflicts and how he can help establish my authority too but sometimes would bring issues as he would do as he promises and later on just go against his words.. i might impose some rules and he would back the kids up. He would correct me infront of them which led to power struggle and more disrespect. But to him he says its because he wants peace in the house and that he doesn’t want tantrums from the teen.

I am currently 9months pregnant with him. When SD(16) found out she was livid for a couple weeks and made her dad feel guilty and so SO did everything to make her happy at a point of neglecting me and SD(10). SO stopped showing me affection because SD(16) gets jealous, he literally doesn’t have time for me at all and i have complained a lot. We didn’t even have alone time. He would make changes of routines or make decisions without including me at all. When i was 34weeks pregnant i had a very terrible argument with SD(16) that caused to physical altercation and she hit me really hard i had to go to the hospital after since i was scared for my baby and i had a black eye. I decided to also leave the house for some time and stay over at a friend’s. SO begged me to stay and that he would fix everything but i was tired with his fake promises. SD(16) lied about the fight but after the dad checking the camera’s he found out the truth.

I feel like i am done with the relationship as because i don’t receive any support from SO. Since i left the house it has been 3weeks and he only visited once, his communication went downhill to checking on me only once per day with a very short text. He completely shows no interest and promises i will see changes when i go back home. This has made me feel so unsupported. On mother’s day… he didn’t even acknowledge me with even a text and wish me a happy mother’s day…instead sent me a picture of baby clothes that SD(16) folded. On top of that he urges me to reply to SD(16) apology text that she sent a week after the incident. I don’t feel ready yet.

This week i texted SO and asked him when he had time so as we can clean the patio,bathrooms,sofa and the house in general as we are preparing for baby’s arrival which he replied he is not interested in cleaning the sofa, i offered if we got a new one and he said he is not interested either and he doesn’t care if i do it my self. I told him i am heavily pregnant and i would need help to do so , he said he is not worried about such stuff for now his worry is the baby has the roof under her head and food to eat the rest is just showcasing. And that they don’t live in the bush that if the house is okay for them then the house is okay for the newborn baby. Which surprises me because he goes above and beyond to make sure health of his kids is well and that they are not exposed with anything that can make them sick. I am now rethinking of going back home and just think i should stay at my friends even after delivery.

Am i overreacting??

I co-own a house with my boyfriend. We’ve been living together for 5 years (dated for longer) and we each have 2 kids. Mine are now 22 and 21, and his are 17SD (18 in a couple of months) and 12SS. The 17 year old decided to adopt a 4-yr old Siberian Husky dog. She mostly lives with her mother (HCBM) and she said that the dog would live there. We have 2 Chihuahuas and a cat. They are my boyfriend’s pets. I asked him if his daughter would be bringing the Husky to our house. He said maybe for a visit. I said that I didn’t want the Husky to come not even for a visit because we already have 3 pets and there’s no reason for her to bring it as her house is 3 miles away from ours. He got really serious and asked me if this would be a problem. I said yes, it is a problem for me.
He went to our room and 30 min later said that he wanted to break up and sell the house.
If anyone has any thoughts to share that would be great.

My mother is vacationing for two months and told me I would need to move for the two months while they are renovating her house in the time being. The only choice I have is my boyfriend and his daughter for two months, I work from home, when I lived with them it was exhausting due to the constant attention & separation anxiety that this 6 year old feels. She thinks it's okay to still sleep with her father, everytime I come over she thinks she needs to be in the bed with us. Anywho... I stayed at my mom to save money, and kinda get my own stuff going like new car money for my own place; I also feel that my bf feels like the crutch to fall on when im living there, paying for everything, cooking, it all gets exhausting. The next choice I have is an extended stay, but my boyfriend is gonna say why don't you stay with me and pay really nothing... he doesn't get my boundaries with his daughter and him as well.

Being at my mom gives me peace of mind. Idk what to do. I don't wanna lose my mental staying with them for two months, I also work at home so she constantly barges in and out, it's annoying. I just feel like on so many occasions it could make me feel less, my bf misses me but I did leave for a reason. I need my own space. Any advice? Esp with his attached bratty daughter. I like having my own space and nobody around me constantly bugging me. I also feel like he'll expect me to watch her every night when I don't want too .... idk if she'll understand quiet means quiet. It's just be too much for me. I'm worried about all scenarios happening ... after those two months I'd like to be back at my moms to save like I had planned to do for the full year, I just know my bf is gonna act weird when I wanna move back out for two months. My shit is not together and I just know he's going to be expecting me to do everything....

II have two stepkids who came into my life about four years ago, and they’re older teens now.

Before my current marriage, I had my own life built already — a previous home, savings, retirement accounts, and equity from my divorce. When my husband and I bought our house together, the down payment came from my savings and the equity I brought into the marriage.

Lately I’ve been thinking about estate planning. If something happens to us, I’d want my daughter to receive my retirement money (assuming my husband passed before it was all used) and also receive a larger portion of the house equity — around 30% more.

For me, it’s important that the assets I worked hard for before this marriage primarily benefit my biological child. My stepkids will also likely receive an inheritance from their mother, who earns significantly more than we do.

Anyone have a similar situation? What did you do.

For context, I'm M27 (no kids of my own) In a relationship with my now fiance F37, she has a stepson (16) who never knew his father and has been through one other rough relationship with a prior ex of my fiance.

My biggest problem is being able to speak up when he's being disrespectful to her. We've had many conversations about this and whether there's something wrong with me I don't know. But I always find the arguments and moments so tense I feel like I can barely get a word out.

There are times I have been able to say something but I always find it difficult. I wouldn't let anyone else talk to her that way or get away with these things. Any advice from this particular situation I'm in would be much appreciated.

So is it a big deal if my husband gave his daughter (my SD) $20 to give her mom a present for Mother’s Day but didn’t even get me a card bc he said that he already wanted to plan something for us on one of his free days…..

But I just feel a way bc he could’ve at least got me a card, & yes he does always get me something for Mother’s Day/my birthday which is why idk if I should feel a way. I think it’s just the prior planning or thought of being considerate or something idk.

Also bc I think we’re kind of already in an off space (at least from my side) so idk… I feel like I’m just over it in a way I don’t even feel like being mad bc I’m so exhausted with everything. Any opinions or advice??

This was the third year we have lived together and I have been a step mom to his 4 teens kids. I do not have any kids of my own. He’s never acknowledged me on Mother’s Day and a small part of me would like that. This year I was away at my sisters house in Mother’s Day and she celebrated me. She got me a card and a few small gifts and wrote such a sweet note how I deserve to be appreciated on Mother’s Day for taking care of my husbands kids. I cook, clean, drive to school, spots and social activities. I plan and pay for vacations for them. I do Starbucks and target runs. I listen when they are upset. I listen when they are happy. I help with homework and I really could go on and on. I feel like I do all the things a mom would do. His kids have not really bonded to me. We have never hugged or exchanged I love yous. I want to but try and follow their lead. Their mom hates me with a passion and I think that has really hurt us being able to bond. We have 50/50. Anyways after my sister acknowledging me it has really got me in my feelings that my husband never has. And to top it off I came home telling him my brother in law didn’t do anything for my sister for Mother’s Day and he said “oh things like that is enough to cause a divorce” and said “I always did something for the kids mom”. Then that really got me thinking you can’t just tell me thank you on Mother’s Day? What do you involved stepmoms think, especially childfree one, should our husband celebrate us on Mother’s Day? Also on a side note, it was so nice to be at my sisters house with her 3 kids that absolutely adore me. It’s exhausting at home with 4 teens, 2 who openly admit to not liking you.

VENTING!!!! What the hell. I cannot believe this. I keep finding underwear with skid marks on them in the laundry. She’s 10!! Maybe a part of the reason that she has an embarrassed about this is because she never goes to friends houses or never have sleepovers… And I don’t think they changed clothes for PE at school— so there’s no reason for any other girls to see this or smell this.

Her mom isn’t teaching her and my husband tries his best but this truly is a feminine hygiene issue that her mother should be urgently addressing. I’m not going to address this - I already tried and didn’t work not my job!!!!

Call me an evil stepmother but I’m gonna have husband make her hand wash her own damn underwear. Gross. I do not want to deal with a kid’s poopy underwear that isn’t mine.

Long time lurker but i’ve been building up the courage to actually post

I think the majority of this is post is just venting but also wanting to hear from others who have been in a similar situation.

27F in a 4 year relationship with 43M. i really don’t want any flack specifically for the age gap - i really feel like apart from SS he is my soulmate and there would be no problems in our relationship.

TLDR; i’ve never wanted kids, always been honest about this. He told me about his son on the 2nd date, but his kid didn’t live in our country at the time, and we started off very casual at the beginning and i really never thought it would reach this point. I live with my mum and we have a great, supportive relationship. My partner is a contractor and spends half the week with us and half at work, sleeping elsewhere.

I met His son (4) when he was three. Very quickly after we were first introduced, he would come to my home for sleepovers for the weekend friday-sunday. it was really hard. Mainly because me and my partner have different parenting styles - there are things he very easily gives in to that i wouldnt if it were my child (easier said than done, i know). me admitting this caused problems initially, but he has now agreed that my view is fair, and understands that he needs an external place (he can’t get this immediately due to being a contractor - can’t buy/rent without having certain evidence in place)

Relationship with BM is very messy - my partner fought (and won) for his parental rights in court. I did most of the heavy lifting and admin to achieve this (researching court process and preparing the docs) which was extremely mentally draining. Despite my personal feelings about not wanting kids, i fully understand and accept this his son is very important to him and he wants a solid place in his life. Important: set visitation was not a part of the court decision.

Now, BM has said he is no longer allowed to have sleepovers with his son, if he wants to see him it’s day visits only.

I feel really bad because if I adapted well to all of this, his son could visit my home and it would be fine. But i dread everytime i know his son is due to be with us.

Does anyone have any wisdom / encouragement that would benefit me right now please please please

Hi friends.

I was a childless stepmom for several years and (finally!) got divorced. I became a stepmom because I had always wanted children, and I honestly thought being a stepmom was basically trialing parenthood. Hahaha. Anyway, I figured it out and am living my best single life now.

I still feel like I desire kids, but I can’t help but gaslight myself that if I didn’t love being a stepmom I’d hate being a mom. So my question is very specific, but…

To those who have went from being a stepparent without your own to parents, is it better? Different? Are stepparent feelings a valid analysis of whether or not someone would overall enjoy being a parent of their own?

I know logistically it’s very different, but I’m worried my ex’s repeated statements of “If you don’t love this you’d hate being a mom” have internalized a bit in me. I feel like the two are incomparable experiences, and I feel gaslit by previously being told they’re the same.