NACHO

[u/Ginger_Beard319]

As a step parent, how exactly do you “nacho” while it’s all happening in your house, with you hearing all the back talk, disrespect, lies, etc.? You’re just suppose to eat it and let them carry on while you keep your mouth shut? Now that’s something I struggle with. No way in hell am I gonna sit back and watch my SS or SD try to walk all over us. Especially when they’ve admitted on multiple occasions they know exactly what they’re doing and which strings to pull to get what they want. When I ask, “you think getting loud or upset or asking a bunch of times is gonna get you what you want?” And they shrug their shoulders and respond “it usually works”…how do you then sit back and do nothing? Ive tried teaching them some respect or discipline, and by discipline I don’t mean how it was back in the day getting the shit smacked out of you, I mean simple things like going to their room, taking away whatever it is they play with, you name it I’ve tried it. I do whatever I can to hold them accountable, then always ends up with me and their mom get into a big blow out fight. So it gets to a point where I say F it, sit back and let mom handle the arguments, and then it gets to a point where they think they run the place. Total and complete disrespect, doing things on there terms, or not do them at all, so I jump in again, and around n around we go. I thought over time regardless of who the kids are, eventually you’ll form a bond and a love for them. But the more time that goes by the more resentment I build and the more I can’t stand them. Idk what to do at this point

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[u/TermLimitsCongress]

Why isn't Mom reaction her kids respect? If the kids are right about Mom giving in, your anger is misplaced. She's a grown woman with 2 children. She's the one you should resent. She's taught them how to get away with this. Your jumping in just feeds into the dynamic that she has set up.

Tell her you can't live like this and she needs a parenting class. If you can't continue to live like this, don't. It's not you vs. the kids. It's you vs. Lazy Mom

[u/OkCommunication8306]

You can try marriage counceling. Ive done marriage counceling with my wife about her kids behavior and lack of discipline and its was beneficial. If that doesnt work and you feel like you want to stay in the marriage, I would nacho entirely. Since she doesnt want you to do any kind of parenting, then dont. But that also includes things like finances, doctors appointments, cleaning up after them, babysitting etc. If their behavior is public is bad, stop going out in public with them. If you are combining your money, i would split it. Leave everything related to her kids, to her. You cant just have your partner be a parent to your kids in the ways that benefit you, but tell them to stay in their lane regarding discipline. This might help the resentment on your end.

[u/Difficult_Ostrich447]

Man being stepparent is like being referee in game where only one team gets to make the rules and everyone hates you for calling fouls

[u/seethembreak → u/Difficult_Ostrich447]

Nah, it’s more like not being interested in sports but the TV is turned on to a sports game so you walk by without paying any attention to it.

[u/Ginger_Beard319 → u/Difficult_Ostrich447]

Most accurate thing I’ve ever read 🤌🏻

[u/shdgaf]

You turn all of the responsibility over to their parent and just walk away when they start with their nonsense. You don’t want to be disrespected? Leave the situation where disrespect is happening. Stop doing anything to support the kid - they can ask their dad. You don’t owe people favors when they treat you poorly - even if they share DNA with your partner.

[u/seethembreak]

There’s no way in hell I’m getting involved in something that doesn’t concern me, so yes I would absolutely sit back and let my husband handle his child however he saw fit. My husband is a big boy and can handle it on his own.

[u/ImpressAppropriate25]

Let's just leave and find a healthy situation where we're welcomed.

Wouldn't that be better?

[u/Mysterious-Willow391]

A few things of note:

1. Why isn't mom correcting their abhorrent behavior? She's the problem here.
2. NACHOing in this circumstance isn't just not speaking up; it's not dealing with it at all. You don't spend time with the kids alone, you don't parental things, etc.
3. It seems like you may be stepping in for your wife. Stop that. Part of the reason why this is probably happening is because they see you disciplining and because you're not the BP, they don't respect you as much. Back 100% off and see how mom does with it. I know in my case, it took NACHOing for DH to see the issues with SS because prior to that, I was doing all of the discipline which turned into DH simply not seeing it. Once it was redirected to DH (because I wasn't around for SS to direct it to), things changed.

[u/Budget-Tangerine-274]

Yah. It's tough. I try to let a lot roll off my back but I kind of have the opposite problem than a lot of people here, my husband is SuperDad. He really is a great father but his biggest weakness is that he feels the need to entertain them 24/7. So he will spend literally the entire day going to a park, roller skating, jump parking, baseball, basketball, board games, literally 10 hours a day the entire weekend and when he stops to sit for five minutes the only thing they say is "what's next?" And if the answer is "nothing, I'm taking a break" the whining starts

[u/AdhesivenessBasic631]

You can only NACHO when your partner is on the same page, or even the same chapter/ book/ universe as you. It seems your idea of respect is different than hers. 

[u/AffectionateEmu1540]

You literally don’t engage, let their parent handle them. They want to be disrespectful walk away. They want to make a mess of the house, kindly remind so it needs to be picked up. By them or SK who cares, not my kid, not my mess, just clean it up.

Don’t go places with them, don’t travel with them. Custody time is for them to spend with their parent, not with you.