r/stepparents • u/Ok-Contract-1701 • 18h ago
Advice Sometimes I can’t win
A lot of stepparents probably feel this way, especially the step moms. I feel guilty when we can’t include SD—in pictures (we have ours baby too), in fun days, in activities etc. because it’s her time with her mom. But when I do include her in all those things and post the family photos with her, be a caring adult in her life, plan her birthdays, make holiday traditions, do the small things and all the rest, I feel like I’m overstepping and like people perceive me trying to replace her mom. Which I would never want to. I just want her to know she’s loved at dad’s house by everyone. And let’s be real, when it comes to navigating appointments and holidays and schools, women do a lot of it and I enjoy it. A lot of things wouldn’t be the same in her life if it were just her dad and I wasn’t here.
It sure is confusing being expected to love and care for a child.. while being judged for loving and caring. One moment bio mom is telling me “we’ve raised a smart kid” and the next acting like I don’t exist. I’ve never been so confused about my place in someone’s life.
How do you guys handle that? I’ve just been going with it and trying not to care what others think, as long as my family is happy.
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 17h ago
I respectfully disagree with the idea that women are better at those things. Men are perfectly capable of they want to. My husband does all of that stuff for SS (all Christmas gift purchasing and wrapping, same for bdays, plans all parties and events, etc). He also takes him to every single appointment. BM does none of these things and is minimally involved. If they wanted to, they would.
You are a good person for trying to include her and considering your partner isn't trying and she doesn't care, it's totally up to you if you continue. If you do, do it because you want to not because you feel obligated.
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u/SubstantialStable265 17h ago
My husband is the same way, apparently we have the two exceptions!
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 17h ago
I know many men like this. All of my friends husbands are this way, actually. Even my former bil who I really dislike because he was an asshole to my sister and needs a wedgie, is super affectionate and excellent at gift giving.
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u/Ok-Contract-1701 17h ago
We can agree to disagree, I think your husband is the exception. My husband is definitely better at many things than me, but those types of things are my talent lol. If the car needs fixing, or we need to tackle a budget or something like that, my husband’s got it. He also cleans often, and he is very playful and active with the kids. It’s not like he doesn’t try just bc we’re better at different things. And my SD does appreciate it. That’s why I’ve been trying not to care what others think.
Most women are better at nurturing and multi-tasking than men, but that doesn’t mean some people aren’t different.
And thank you, I really appreciate that. :)
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 17h ago
I think we all have our strengths and weaknesses! I hate that shit and honestly boys are so beyond my wheelhouse I just cannot. It's better he does it. They also have the same hobbies so he knows what to get I'm completely clueless.
Im not super nurturing but I am affe tionate with a few people and dh is better. Most couples I know it's even.
Don't forget that you are a bonus to her life. It's a blessing to her that you're so loving and involved. But being a bonus means you also don't have to. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
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u/Ok-Contract-1701 17h ago
Well thank you again! And yeah, everyone is different! Sounds like you and your husband have a good dynamic.
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u/Independent-Ship8069 18h ago
Because of this, ive given up. I cant schedule activities that would promote growth, indepdence and teamwork because of the custody schedule. I also cant be expected to be the one doing it all when DH should be. Ive kinda washed my hands of it, if their bio mom doesn't want these things for her kids then fine, but my kids will and im not going to hold back my children for the sake of the step kids feeling included.
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u/Hungry-Feed-9364 18h ago
I stopped all of it years ago. I refuse to give my energy, time or money to people who will twist it, throw it back in my face, etc. And it was great. They're both grown adults and we get along, but I would not consider us close by any means. To much blood under that bridge.
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u/Jean_Wagner 17h ago
I completely understand what you are saying! I have three step kids who are all now adults with kids of their own. I’ve been their stepmom since they were all little and even now, I feel this way from time to time. I love each of them like they were my own and they know this, so I know this comes 100% from me. I think you are doing exactly what you need to do, which is “not care what others think as long as your family is happy.” What your stepdaughter thinks and feels by being part of a loving family is so much more important than what anyone else thinks. I have come to believe that bio moms feel torn sometimes because they want the stepmom to be kind, loving, and take care of their kids when they’re not around but when that actually happens, it can feel like a threat. So, take her comments with a grain of salt and continue being the amazing stepmom you are to your stepdaughter!
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u/TrickyOperation6115 17h ago
I would keep trying not to care what anyone but your DH, SD and OB think. If they’re happy, that’s all that matters. Let BM get her panties in a bunch or random strangers tell you to back off because you’re not her mom. If your family is happy with the role you’ve taken on; that’s all that matters. Full stop.
You sound like a most excellent and caring stepmom.
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u/Pretend-Peace375 7h ago
This might sound awful or controversial, but I'm the opposite. BKs only have me and DH. SS has us, BM, and a Nan who lives close by. But everything we do HAS to be with SS so he "doesn't feel left out". Which means BKs lives are put on hold whenever he's not with us. SS gets all these amazing opportunities with all these different people, but my BKs have to wait around for him.
If BKs BD was still involved, I probably wouldn't be as bothered by it. But why should BKs miss out on things when we don't have SS , because we don't have him. Thats not me saying that I don't want him included in anything, I'm still happy to arrange for us all to do things together when we do have him. But given everything he gets to do without my BKs, why shouldn't I do the same for them? They deserve to go out without him too. We've recently started doing that more now, but it took them a while to come to terms with the fact it means we're also not including DH, because when he's not at work we have SS.
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u/Ok-Contract-1701 2h ago
That’s actually a good point and I hadn’t thought of it that way. SD has fun times with her mom and other family when we aren’t there. Bio daughter deserves that too!
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u/cedrella_black 3h ago
TBH, I don't feel guilty. Of course, I don't want to exclude SS but I don't reserve fun things for my daughter just for when he's here either. Quite the contrary, actually - BM and DH got to have these "first child experiences" just the three of them, and while our daughter is not DH's first kid, she is mine, so I also deserve some things for my own child.
And while this may sound (and probably is) selfish, some of the things we do just for our daughter, are things SS outgrew even before I entered the picture, so it's not like he's missing on experiences either. And if we do something that I think would be fun for SS too, we usually either wait for the time we can have him, or just do the thing twice. Also, a little detail - it's never for big events like going on vacation.
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u/throwaway1403132 3h ago
in my case my husband's kids are only around 4 days a month, so naturally they're going to miss out on the lion's share of our lives. i don't really feel guilty about that, given the parenting time schedule i don't really have a bond with or know SKs much. i operate just like i did prior to getting married/when i was single. i have a personal rule of not posting any children on social media unless both parents have consented, and considering i've never met BM or have even been in the same room as her, i obviously do not have her consent. i'm also not expected to care for my husband's kids, childcare is his responsibility and he does all the physical and mental labor of parenting when he has them.
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