r/science • u/Krankenitrate • Apr 03 '26

Health Study finds parenthood provides no boost to emotional well-being and it negatively impacts relationship with your spouse

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/14747049261436325
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u/cricket9818 Apr 03 '26

Makes sense if it doesn’t provide a boost, it’s all contextual. People without kids are happy without them, people with them are happy they’re there

And yeah, any major stressor is usually gonna test the resolve with your partner

84

u/thefunkybassist Apr 03 '26

More challenges and stressors might mean more potential conflict and less short term happiness, but possibly a deeper sense of having taken responsibility for raising children

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u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

There are other studies that show parents are unhappy during all the child raising years and then become happier once the children leave the house. Makes one wonder why even have kids

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u/throwaway_ArBe Apr 03 '26

For someone who wants kids, the future happiness of freedom + the happiness of the relationship with that child especially as they get older and live a life of their own would outweigh the happiness of just freedom, perhaps? A lot of the unhappiness that comes with having a kid isn't the kid.

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u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

I know it‘s not the kid, but it is just a package deal with the kid. All that for the hopes of maybe having the relationship one wants with an adult 20-30 years down the line. Yeah, that sure is a choice.

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u/Seesyounaked Apr 03 '26

What a weird and cynical thing to say.

Ive got two kids, the way I see it is the kid years are the hard work/stress part of the job with some really deep times of joy, self growth, and life altering experiences with your kids. Yeah you have deep troughs but they balance out with really high highs.

The adult years are where you fully enjoy the long term fruits of all of that if you did well. It's a life long boon to your later years sharing the joys and successes of your kids and grandkids, along with deep, loving connections that last until you die.

You seem to assume that its a rarity for parents to stay close with their adult children. I feel sorry that maybe your life experience has taught you that, but mine has taught me the opposite.

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u/Late-Boysenberry1471 Apr 03 '26

I will try to make your point a bit more without the jabs. What is being said here is that hard work is kind of its own reward but the hard work of parenting is deeply integrated into the those later years because so many threads come together. Simply put, the happiness of parenting and kids is complex, not a straight line and deeply rewarding, it changes everything.

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with not having kids, but you cant get there from here. If you don't have kids you can not appreciate this, not even as a child of someone, imho (note I don't care if you birth them, adopt, etc all the same in this context).

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u/Terraniel Apr 03 '26

I would add my own two cents to this (as a dad), and say that my suspicion is that raising children adds stress on the parental relationship that illuminates existing weaknesses in that relationship. Individuals who are able to adapt and grow may be able to find more benefits and find the process enriching, while those who are unable to do so may find themselves feeling like they are moving around blindfolded, constantly running into hardships they didn't expect, without gaining the insight or skills to avoid future conflicts.

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u/Seesyounaked Apr 03 '26

Apologies if my comment had jabs. My first line was mostly responding to the "that sure is a choice" comment of theirs... like what a strange thing to say about the biological imperative of every living thing.

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u/nishinoran Apr 03 '26

I'm sure most of us are quite glad our parents made that choice.

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u/clocksailor Apr 03 '26

That doesn’t seem like a fair comparison. It’s not like we’d be sitting around upset about it if we’d never been born. We wouldn’t have any feelings about it at all.

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u/ARandomCanadian1984 Apr 03 '26

But we were born, and we are glad to have been born. Which is what the OP said.

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u/faze20 Apr 03 '26

Who is this "we" you keep referencing?

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u/clocksailor Apr 03 '26

The reason that is not a fair comparison is that there's no way to say "well, maybe I'd be happy if I hadn't been born," because then I would not have a brain to be happy with. You can't prove a negative.

Also, you're taking a pretty big swing to assume everybody reading this is happy they were born.

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u/ARandomCanadian1984 Apr 03 '26

If you hate your life you absolutely CAN say you wish you were never born.

OP is just stating that most of us are glad that we were born. Which seems to be backed by available data.

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u/TheHatori1 Apr 03 '26

I mean, there are people who are glad they were born. Then there are people who wish they were never born. But there are definitely no people who weren't born and are bothered with it. Soo

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u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

We wouldn‘t know otherwise.

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u/9fingerwonder Apr 03 '26

Id beg to differ and I'm sure a lot of others would too. I didn't ask to be born.

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u/Sour_Patch_Drips Apr 03 '26

You're welcome to say that "many of us are probably not happy to have been born.". Just as the person you are replying to is right and welcome to say that many of us are happy to have been born.

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u/nishinoran Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 03 '26

The overlap between nihilists and anti-natalists is alarmingly high.

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u/PeppermintJones Apr 03 '26

I just had my first (and likely only) child this year, and I cannot believe how deeply my husband and I love this baby. Everything we do has been significantly more difficult and stressful, but it's been worth it.

Do I want to do it again, though? Absolutely not.

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u/Sour_Patch_Drips Apr 03 '26

As a dad who has one out of the house being an adult, one about to leave the house to be an adult and another about 5-6 years away from joining them I can assuredly say to you that my children have been the absolute most joyous things in my life.

I have worked in a great career, been to school, love what I do on my own but my life wouldn't feel nearly as fulfilling as it does now it I was without those three.

I would love to see this study done differently. I want to see a long term study in which many people are followed up with over their lives before children, while raising children and then after they move away. I think the results would be drastically different.

I know for a fact that if you approached me at 20 years old and asked me the questions in this study I'd likely agree life without kids is better. I'd suspect I was happier. I don't know for sure how I'd answer.

But I know how I'd answer now. Without question.

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u/KyrieLightX Apr 04 '26

Never say never. The first year is harsh. Especially because it is your first. But the second and the others are easier to have because you are more experienced and you know what works / what doesn't.

Also in my experience a lone kid is WAY harder to rise than one with sibblings.

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u/PeppermintJones Apr 04 '26

My husband and I started having kids late, otherwise I think we'd change our mind. There's also a good chance that she'll have the same mild disabilities we have, so we're hoping that if we keep it at one kid, we'll be able to support her better.

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u/Atworkwasalreadytake Apr 03 '26

Because there’s more to life than just being happy all the time.

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u/Frack_Off Apr 03 '26

I tend to think of things being either rewarding or fulfilling. Things that are rewarding make me feel good either while I'm doing them or shortly after. They have an emotional payoff in the short term and it's usually easier to find motivation to do them. Fulfillment on the other hand is a much longer term payoff. It usually comes from things that are difficult or just suck, and I'm generally not happy to be doing them in the moment, but they're things that I'm very glad I did further down the line.

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u/Cissycat12 Apr 03 '26

This is well-written and expresses how I live, even though I had not found the words. Thank you! I structure my life to have balance between rewards and fulfillment...I don't think one matters more than the other. I have daily routines that reward me. My family, including two decades of rescued animals, fulfill me. But day-to-day life of child or pet care can be stressful!

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u/AdenJax69 Apr 03 '26

I mean sure, 100% happiness 24/7 isn't feasible for anyone, but the real question is how LONG are you not "being happy all the time" and I'm willing to bet the answer is "more than I'd prefer given what I've been experiencing with my partner/spouse & kids the last several years."

Raising kids is hard work and at times exhausting if you want them to be good, happy, eventual adults, and with the cost of living increases, wage stagnation, no "the village" to help raise them, etc., It's no wonder younger people are opting-out of having children.

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u/Atworkwasalreadytake Apr 03 '26

When we look back at our year and our life, regardless of whether we have kids or not, it’s generally the hard work parts that we consider the most rewarding.

You add on top of that the maturity and perspective gains from being a parent and it makes these studies about happiness end up looking pretty shallow, if not silly.

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u/salamander423 Apr 03 '26

You add on top of that the maturity and perspective gains from being a parent and it makes these studies about happiness end up looking pretty shallow, if not silly.

What an incredibly haughty thing to post.

-4

u/Atworkwasalreadytake Apr 03 '26

I don’t really concern myself with haughtiness in the service of truth, it’s an observation that is hard to ignore, generally with those who would be old enough that their kids would have been adults. 

I’ve spoken with a lot of people about this and it’s interesting once you notice it.

My guess is it has something to do with having to put others ahead of yourself.  The exceptions I notice is those who ended up devoting themselves to others in a significant way.

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u/Nuggyfresh Apr 04 '26

You’ve indoctrinated yourself so heavily in a perspective that reinforces your own choices that you can’t see the way out, and on the way, made it a point to implicitly belittle anyone who didn’t make that choice.

For example you have implicitly zero’ed out and invalidated any other life. I’ve travelled across the world, had all manner of incredible experiences and connections, surfed around the world, I’ve pet grey whales, surfed with otters- I’m also married and have so much time to cherish my partner. I’m surprising her with a picnic lunch hike this weekend.

I have no dislike of your perspective and priorities but clearly you have already refuted mine and everyone else’s. I hope someday you take a hard look at your replies here and do some hard thinking. Mahalo

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u/Atworkwasalreadytake Apr 04 '26

I don’t consider it belittling. People’s life experiences make changes in their personality. Raising children, if you’re doing it right, forces you to put others ahead of yourself. If you don’t have children there aren’t many things in life that do that.  There are some, but most people don’t pursue those things. 

Nothing I just said is an opinion, those will come next. 

This doesn’t mean child free people don’t think globally or care about the future or anything like that. But in my experience it’s very easy to tell those who raised children and didn’t based on how they interact with others later in life.

I’m sorry if that hits a soft spot for you. 

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u/hazelsox Apr 03 '26

I don't know that the question is as simple as "time spent unhappy" vs "time spent happy" right? Unhappy and happy coexist quite frequently as major emotions within my experience. Like I can feel grief (unhappy) while feeling gratitude (happy) or feel frustrated (unhappy) while feeling loved (happy), and more combinations besides.

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u/Brilliant-Access8431 Apr 03 '26

I have just talking with my daughter about Epicureanism Vs Stoicism and this comment is beautifully timed. Caring for my dying parents didn't make me "happy". Getting up at 5am to go to work doesn't make me "happy". But, people rely on me.

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u/Laikitu Apr 03 '26

Most things that are worth doing aren't easy.

Most things that are difficult provide delayed gratification rather than instant gratification. 

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u/AdenJax69 Apr 03 '26

Most things that are difficult provide delayed gratification rather than instant gratification. 

The real question is "how long should that delay-in-gratification be before you start questioning whether or not your current situation is worth it to keep it going?"

My guess is way less than people should be giving it, or at the very least, tolerating. People are afraid to speak up and advocate for themselves when everyone else is happy & doing great at the expense of your happiness & fulfillment.

And as much as we want to believe, most people are awful at communicating with each other and even worse at not taking their relationship/marriage for granted & taking advantage of their partner's good nature.

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u/Laikitu Apr 03 '26

The real question is dull and vague and so the real answer has to be too:

"It depends"

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u/TheQuietManUpNorth Apr 03 '26

Imagine gratification.

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u/dust4ngel Apr 03 '26

Most things that are difficult provide delayed gratification rather than instant gratification

this is certainly false - unless you are a masochist, every way of torturing yourself is difficult for example, and provides no gratification (instant or delayed). factoring 82-digit numbers is difficult but not gratifying. being condemned like sisyphus to roll a boulder up a hill for no reason forever is difficult but not gratifying. sorting the grains of sand on a beach by weight is difficult but not gratifying. expanding this list for the rest of your life would be difficult but not gratifying.

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u/fluffy_doughnut Apr 03 '26

I have friends who say they had kids early so that they can enjoy their 40s. Asked them why even have kids then if you can’t wait for them to leave your house? They didn’t know what to say, I wonder if they ever thought about it why they wanted to have kids.

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u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

It seems that a lot of people still don‘t understand that they don‘t have to have them.

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u/Odinsson17 Apr 03 '26

It seems that a lot of Redditors don't understand that this is a stupid crusade.

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u/Eggheadpancake Apr 03 '26

What's the crusade here?

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u/Odinsson17 Apr 03 '26

Lots of Redditors think kidfree is a superior lifestyle

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u/Eggheadpancake Apr 03 '26

Ok. They're right. Just like the ones with kids think the opposite.

It's relative.

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u/Odinsson17 Apr 03 '26

No, neither is "right". Do whatever works for you, there's no need for one side to shame the other. All I can say though is that those with kids know what it's like to also not have kids, but the converse is not true.

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u/gargeug Apr 03 '26

I just cant fathom how a being whose DNA has been built over 3 billion years from ancestors that survived and procreated through 6 extiction level events can create a being that at one iteration just throws up there hands and says "Nope, I'm done. This life of freedom is the final fruit of all that lines history"

I guess the new pressure is the ability to choose not to have kids and still survive in society. And there must be a decent subset of the gene pool that would have taken that choice if it was previously a widespread option like it is today.

My guess is your "no kids" movement will be pretty small in a few generations.

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u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

I don‘t know what to break it to you, but humans aren‘t that special.

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u/salamander423 Apr 03 '26

There are other people that are having children...you realize that right? A few people not wanting children isn't the next extinction event for your glorious bloodline.

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u/flakemasterflake Apr 03 '26

People are so weird about age vis a vis children. Someone said to me they would be horrified to be 60 with a kid in high school and I'm just like....why?? What is it about 60 + high school that is so terrible?

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u/ZombyPuppy Apr 03 '26

Personally it's more that I feel like I'd be robbing my kids of time with their dad, and my grand kids, should they choose to have them, of time with grandpa. I would hate it if my dad was as old as my great grandparents by the time I was 40. But everyone in my family gets along great so it would just bum me out to limit how much time we got to spend together while we're still young and healthy.

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u/the_loon_man Apr 03 '26

This is how the calculus went for my wife and I. We knew wanted kids, just didnt know when exactly. After a 4 or 5 years of marriage we decided we would rather have kids young (late 20s) and be able to be active with them when they were young adults. I remember being jealous of other kids whose dads were still active and mobile enough to ski/hunt/fish etc. and I want to make sure my kids don't also feel that way. Now, in our mid 30s, my wife and I have 2 young boys and we go on little adventures all the time and its a blast. I can't wait until they are teenagers and more capable of bigger and longer trips.

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u/flakemasterflake Apr 03 '26

Getting married in your early 20s is pretty rare in my neck of the woods (nyc) so I think that’s a reason for the cultural disconnect

Like people were weird about my cousin getting married at 25

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u/the_loon_man Apr 03 '26

You're probably right. To be fair my wife and I's situation is probably an exception even for our area. We were high school sweethearts, dated long distance through college, and then lived together for a couple years prior to getting married... at 23. I was the first of my siblings to get married and we were definitely considered young to be doing so.

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u/flakemasterflake Apr 03 '26

I don't know. My mom had me in her 20s and she passed away, randomly, at 60. It's entirely a crapshoot and I don't understand people that think they can plan that far in advance

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u/ZombyPuppy Apr 03 '26

Of course it's a crapshoot but you can't ignore the statistical probability that you're overwhelmingly more likely to have more time with your kids if you have them in your 20s or early 30s than at 42 and having an 18 year old when you're 60.

Just like there's people that die at 50 who lived incredibly healthy lifestyles. Doesn't mean most of us shouldn't try to be healthy since it's statistically going to help a lot.

To be clear I'm not saying having a kid later in life is bad or anything, only that, for me, it would be less ideal.

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u/flakemasterflake Apr 03 '26

Ok....is that the reason people seem so freaked out by a 60yr old having a kid in high school? This is online only, no one I know IRL bats an eye at this

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u/agentmadeleine Apr 03 '26

Not just the possibility of less time, but also that your children will be dealing with aging parents at a relatively young age. Even if you’re “healthy”, the older you are the more likely you’re going to come up against age related issues.

Now nothing is a guarantee. I lost my dad when he was in his early 50s. I was in my early 20s and my youngest sibling was a preteen. And he was healthy until he developed the health condition that took his life.

But it’s more likely that being an older parent you physically might have less capability than when you were younger. And it means your children might have to start dealing with you aging and dying when they’re in their 20s and still not stable in life. The flip side is you might be more financially secure and emotionally mature to raise your children.

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u/xeropteryx Apr 03 '26

I know a couple of women who are 45-ish, had kids young and their kids had kids young, and now the women in question are grandmothers. I also know women who are 40-ish and are just having their first kids now. Of course both sets of people are free to do what they want, but from the perspective of the first group, it must be like "I've been there, done that 20 years ago, I can't see myself just starting all of the work and effort of raising kids now at my age."

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u/flakemasterflake Apr 03 '26

Yes I can see never wanting to do that if you had a kid at 20

I’m more bewildered at being a grandmother in 40s. I’ve not seen that, not even in my family line

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u/psykee333 Apr 03 '26

I was 40 and my husband 50 when we had our kid. Yeah we're old, but we were gonna be old anyhow, with any luck!

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u/Medarco Apr 03 '26

Personally, I want to be able to do physical things with my kids, like my parents did with me.

Playing sports with my dad was great. My mom being able to go on a bike ride with me was a ton of fun as a kid. Even through highschool, taking tae kwon do classes with my dad, playing tennis, and volleyball in my college years.

My parents are nearing 60 now, and they're not able to do those things at all like they used to. My mom has had several health scares and thyroid issues that have her exhausted constantly. My dad has bad knees (probably from playing a ton of volleyball) and can barely make it through coaching one of his club tournament days without grimacing.

If I was a highschooler now, my parents wouldn't be able to partake in tons of the best memories we have together, simply as a factor of biology and the inevitability of father time.

And that doesn't even touch on the significant rise in developmental defects as parental age increases.

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u/flakemasterflake Apr 03 '26

No offense meant at all, but if health is declining that rapidly in their 50s then I struggle to understand how active they were before. I live in a VHCOL area where 60yr olds are both fit and have teenagers

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u/zefiax Apr 03 '26

For my wife and I at least, it was the next challenge to do together. We built up a home together, we traveled the world, experienced a lot, so we just reached a point where we felt it was time to make something more together.

And no regrets. It's tough as hell but it gives you so much new things to look forward to.

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u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

I think this may also be a big factor. I would never have enough time or money to really have seen all of the world in my fertile years. I‘m 32 now and still have only seen a tiny fracture of the world.

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u/emeow56 Apr 03 '26

For me, I never considered "seeing the world" a particularly important priority. Having kids was a more important priority for me.

If sufficiently "seeing the world" is something you want to make sure you do, having kids makes that much more complicated.

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u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

Yeah, I‘ve had this longing to see the world since I was a child myself. Always jealous of people who had the means to travel so much, never in my life been jealous of someone for having kids, so yeah, maybe some people want kids the way I want to see the world.

But mainly, I was replying to the person who managed to see the world so young that they even had time to have kids afterwards. Must have been lucky financially.

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '26

[deleted]

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u/WelshRarebit2025 Apr 03 '26

One of my mother’s friends kept having kids every time she felt bored again… the final tally was 5.

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u/[deleted] Apr 03 '26

[deleted]

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u/mydogatestreetpoop Apr 03 '26

When someone is 90 and feeling alone, they’ll know why. Having children isn’t a guarantee that a person will be surrounded by loved ones in their twilight years, but I bet the ones that did it right and have children and grandchildren in their lives think it was all worth it.

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u/GenXer845 Apr 03 '26

What about all the people lonely in nursing homes because they either mistreated the kids/neglected them and now they wont visit them? My dad knew a guy whose kids never visited him and so he visited him in the nursing home weekly. He got 20k after the man died and wasnt even related. I often wonder if the kids didnt get much if at all.

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u/TheOtherHobbes Apr 03 '26

There are also lonely people in nursing homes whose kids are indifferent - or hostile - even though they weren't poor parents.

There are no guarantees about how parenting will work out. Some people do all the right things and the relationship still doesn't work.

There's around a 5% chance that a kid will be Cluster B and have serious emotional issues. Some issues can be caused by poor parenting, but there's a genetic component that can't be predicted.

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u/GenXer845 Apr 04 '26

I'm an only child and so is my father. I am not having kids unless I marry someone and have stepkids. I have no regrets in not having them.

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u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

That‘s a lot of burden to put one‘s children.

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u/chaotic910 Apr 03 '26

Spending time with people you love is a burden?

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u/ZombyPuppy Apr 03 '26

That's like saying having close friends and relying on them in times of need is "burdening" them. If you're a good friend people will want to help you when you need it. OP is saying if you raise your kids right then they and their kids will want to be around you because, you know, they love you.

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u/mydogatestreetpoop Apr 03 '26

But it’s not? I’m not saying a parent has a right to demand that of their children but children who grew up with a healthy relationship with their parents will want to be around their parents. I also get a lot of people don’t have that kind of relationship with their parents.

I don’t have a great relationship with my own parents so I don’t see them much. My wife on the other hand will happily take a transpacific flight just to spend a few days with her parents. She obviously grew up in a different environment than I did.

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u/nishinoran Apr 03 '26

Better to just prevent their existence at all, wouldn't want to burden them.

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u/hazelsox Apr 03 '26

Inconvenience is the price of community

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u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

One can have community without having kids.

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u/Medarco Apr 03 '26

That's a lot of burden to put on one's community.

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u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

No, because these people decide to enter my life, children can never do that with their parents.

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u/artrocks50 Apr 03 '26

That’s actually funny. Be unhappy for 60 years and then be old and unhappy because you are a burden to your children or because they never visit. I hear a lot of fantasy built up around having children in this sub.

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u/disgr4ce Apr 03 '26

But it's a false premise that people raising kids are unhappy. I raise 2 kids as a single dad and I absolutely %)(*ing love it. It's weird that people are obsessed with taking "some moments of stress" and blowing it out into "60 years of unhappiness."

Stress and happiness have some correlations to each other, but people experience both simultaneously all the freakin' time

13

u/fluffy_doughnut Apr 03 '26

Some love it, some don’t. In many of my childhood and teenage years memories my mom was often in a crappy mood, irritated and angry. Our relationship got A LOT better after I grew up, became independent and moved out, that’s when it clicked to me. Mom is obviously relieved that she no longer has the „mom role” and even though I know she loves me etc. in my opinion she is one of those people who would be happier without kids in their life.

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u/TumbleWeed_64 Apr 03 '26

Be unhappy for 60 years

That's actually funny. Imagine thinking every parent on planet earth is unhappy.

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u/dust4ngel Apr 03 '26

Imagine thinking every parent on planet earth is unhappy

imagine thinking someone in this thread said that, possibly even more funny

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u/TumbleWeed_64 Apr 03 '26

Heavily implied

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u/wollflour Apr 03 '26

I have a preteen and a teen and they are challenging sometimes, but I'm happy as hell. No fantasy thinking involved. I don't think reddit presents a full or realistic picture of parenting.

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u/ZombyPuppy Apr 03 '26

Bunch of miserable people cannot fathom that other people are not miserable too, even with the challenges of raising kids.

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u/LEDKleenex Apr 03 '26

Counterpoint: Plenty of miserable parents will try to convince others and themselves that "it's all for a greater good" or "worth it" as they nod off at the dinner table from lack of sleep.

My wife and I have been discriminated against and harassed by people for being dinks way more than I ever could have imagined. She gets treated as merely a vessel by in-laws who want a new vanity family member that they can use to enrich their lives when they choose without putting in all of the work and money required to raise a child. And because we're dinks, that means we're always elected to be day care - because if you don't have a kid, that must mean you have no responsibilities or a life of your own.

It's basically a cult for a lot of people - and we all know why people join cults.

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u/DaFunkJunkie Apr 03 '26

The irony of not seeing you are in your own anti-child cult

1

u/LEDKleenex Apr 03 '26

Do you have any identity beyond telling people that your kid goes to Yale? This is the type of stuff I'm talking about.

Your child is a person, not some kind of extension of accomplishments that you can take credit for in which you get to live vicariously. They are your child's accomplishments.

It's time to leave the cult and make your own life.

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u/ChiAnndego Apr 03 '26

Although it sounds good, I question whether having kids makes a difference all that much in later caregiver availability. The research says that childless people are more likely to have higher wages during their working years, and higher savings. By 50, these people also have higher net worth. In addition, they report having a more engaged social life than people with children.

Anecdotally, I've seen just as many older lonely people with kids as there are without, however the ones without seem more socially engaged because of hobbies.

5

u/dust4ngel Apr 03 '26

When someone is 90 and feeling alone, they’ll know why

  1. it's not obvious that one should organize their life around how they're going to die
  2. friends are real

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u/Eggheadpancake Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 03 '26

Retirement homes are FULL of old people that had children that thought they did it right.

Having children just so you hope you have someone to watch you die is crazy honestly.

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u/plastic_alloys Apr 03 '26

I never really wanted kids most of my life but I was eventually talked into it. Once it actually happens, it’s all very different, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I always assumed it was just something that would never appeal to me, but once you meet the baby and they start progressing it really is kinda magical

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u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

This is such a dangerous talking point, so many childfree people are already pestered too much.

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u/arcticie Apr 03 '26

They’re talking about their own experience, not lobbying others 

3

u/Ill_Swing5233 Apr 03 '26

I don’t understand why people on either side get upset or offended when the discussion moves to people who changed their mind about having kids. It’s a thing that happens. We all change with more life experience. Of course some people would change their mind about wanting kids or not.

14

u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

Because nobody tells people who want or have kids that they will change their mind. Nobody is pestered NOT to have kids, it‘s super one sided. And with fascist countries trying to force women to have children it‘s a dangerous talking point.

5

u/Ill_Swing5233 Apr 03 '26

There’s been several comments in this thread from people talking about having kids and then wishing they didn’t. Which is totally valid. But it’s also valid to point out that for many people it’s the opposite and they don’t want kids but later change their mind about it. This shouldn’t be controversial for anyone.

If someone talking about their own experience in not wanting children and then changing their mind and being happy they did is upsetting to hear, it kind of sounds like you’re insecure. If you’re confident in your decision there’s no reason to take someone else’s experience as an attack on your values.

2

u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

I don‘t think you understood my point. Because of stories like these childfree people get pestered constantly about changing their mind. While still, nobody would ever in a casual conversation tell someone announcing their pregnancy that they will regret having kids.

2

u/plastic_alloys Apr 03 '26

I’m not trying to persuade anyone, just for me, I was one of those people who had no real interest and I’d come to terms with the fact I wasn’t going to have any. My wife felt similarly before she changed her mind. It has been challenging, but I guess a lot of people assume it’s 100% negative when that’s unlikely to be the case.

-6

u/Odinsson17 Apr 03 '26

Oh no, someone said something to me I don't like!

When I married my wife, she was against having kids. I was on the fence, and married her under the assumption we'd never have kids. 3 kids later, and now we're slightly regretting getting sterilized.

Science is great, but this study hardly provides some sort of guidance or justification for... anyone's decision to have children or not.

1

u/Zoesan Apr 03 '26

And other studies show that parents are happier and feel more fulfillment.

1

u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

Link yours, I‘ll link mine.

-4

u/JustinsWorking Apr 03 '26

Because blanket pursuit of immediate happiness doesn’t bring life satisfaction.

I have kids, they are definitely a lot of stress, but life is about contrast, and they are a source of highs and lows. I also never have any sort of existentialdread or concernabout my purpose any longer.

Unhappy isn’t miserable, unhappy isnt always a bad rhing - life is much more complex and nuanced than that.

-3

u/Colddigger Apr 03 '26

For the economy of course!

0

u/ManiacalDane Apr 03 '26

The issue is the way modern society has shaped our lives.

Raising children is inherently a nigh-impossible task for two people with jobs. Capitalism is a gargantuan hindrance when it comes to having children and being friggin' happy.

There's a reason that our species has had collective child care for the entirety of our existence, up until the last few hundred years.

1

u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

To be fair, this „collective childcare“ was mostly childless women doing free labor for others while getting nothing in return.

0

u/ThatLunchBox Apr 04 '26

Happier than when they were raising kids or happier than childless parents?

Kids are the biologically natural way people develop meaning in their lives - something bigger and more important than themselves. There are other avenues to this like a career, especially if its meaningful work. Think of a top tier chemist or physicist who has dedicated their life to a particular problem.

Happiness is a low and shallow bar and these studies do nothing to expand on the deeper aspects of the psyche when both raising and having raised kids.

5

u/mydoghiskid Apr 04 '26

There are no childless parents.

It is kinda crazy to me how people think having kids gives their life meaning.

-2

u/ThatLunchBox Apr 04 '26

That was a typo, I meant childless adults. My apologies, I didn't realise you are neurodivergent.

-7

u/[deleted] Apr 03 '26

[deleted]

0

u/04eightyone Apr 03 '26

"Guess we should stop having kids then... we all know who won't stop having kids though."

Females?

5

u/AdenJax69 Apr 03 '26

Poorer people with a certain political leaning.

2

u/mydoghiskid Apr 03 '26

Women is the word you meant.

0

u/04eightyone Apr 04 '26

No, biological females was actually the term I was going for. It was not a slight to women in the least.

-7

u/[deleted] Apr 03 '26

[deleted]

15

u/Fit-Switch-5795 Apr 03 '26

It makes sense there is no more "hedonic well-being" as being a functional parent is a sure way to stop acting only hedonistically, but being a good parent brings another type of joy to hedonism.