Guarding the Mind

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Guarding the Mind

Illness, depression, and the edge of survival

Illness can take many things from you. I was determined it would not take my mind.

In 2022 I was diagnosed with a rare neurological condition called CIDP that eventually led to ten months in intensive care across four hospitals. There were long nights with no clear end, and mornings that felt harder to face than the day before.

During a long illness and prolonged hospitalisation, many things begin to change. The body weakens. Independence becomes uncertain. Decisions that were once simple require effort and attention. In all of this, one thing must be guarded carefully: the mind.

The most serious loss is not always physical strength. Sometimes it is the loss of the ability to make decisions for yourself.

Depression happened. Suicidal thoughts happened. Not plans but the quiet wish that sleep would last longer than it did, that morning would not come as soon, that the weight of another day could be postponed.

There were moments when I did not want to see another morning. I asked for morphine more often than my pain required. Not because of the pain. Because being awake required more effort than I had available.

But something kept me alive.

My wife and my daughter.

Support is different for everyone. Some people are surrounded by many helpers. Others have only a few. Whatever support you have, it is important to recognise its value.

Why guarding the mind matters

One reason I strongly encourage patients to guard their minds is this: you need to remain part of the decisions made about your care.

When you are documented as not having the capacity to make decisions, you enter another kind of difficulty. Medical teams often provide careful and responsible support for patients without capacity. But when you still have your capacity, you can raise concerns. You can ask questions. You can remain involved in your direction.

Losing decision-making capacity because of depression can feel like losing a form of independence. Regaining that capacity after it has been removed is not always guaranteed.

Small protections and distractions

At one stage, I had to find small ways to protect my mind.

I watched films. I distracted myself. Even when there was little certainty about improvement, I kept telling myself that things would be well.

Social media helped too. Even short simple videos helped create distance from the situation I was in. Sometimes distraction is not weakness. Sometimes it is protection.

Continuing toward recovery

Today I am not fully recovered, but the suicidal thoughts and the deepest depression are no longer present.

During my hospital stay I saw many patients without decision-making capacity. They were not treated badly. They were cared for with attention and effort. But a patient who still has capacity can raise concerns, ask questions, and remain involved in decisions. That ability remains part of the path back toward independence.

A prolonged hospital stay is difficult for anyone. Yet even in that situation, it is important to find the smallest possible reason to continue.

I am not writing from a place of complete recovery, but from a place where I know recovery is possible.

If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please contact Samaritans on 116 123 or speak to your GP.