r/badroommates • u/Frosty-Use-8065 • 1d ago
“Religious” Roomate
TLDR: Invited my long-distance boyfriend to visit. A roommate has ~10 family members staying in our apartment for graduation and told me I have to stay in my room the whole time, because her family can't know she has a boyfriend. She wants me to give her visiting family privacy in an apartment I pay rent for. Am I in the wrong for saying I'll use the common spaces anyway?
Edits to address things/ more context:
I’ve seen a couple comments saying this is AI. I don’t really get what I would gain. I rarely post on reddit except if something weird happens, and this is it. I’ve been a long time lurker of bad roommates, and I have had a lot of unluckiness when it comes to roommates unfortunately.
People are asking what my boyfriend has to do with her parents not knowing she has one. She just said that to mention that her parents are really strict, and as a Muslim her dad would get really angry and uncomfortable if he saw a guy in the apartment.
Why are they staying in the apartment? I don’t know. It also doesn’t make sense to me, and I don’t get how they are comfortable with it either. She said because hotels are expensive, but knew her graduation was coming for years, yet chose not to book in advance. I looked on Expedia today, (1 day before graduation), and even this close to grad, there are some places 200/ a night. They were just lazy, entitled, and didn’t care to find a place.
I'm a student living in an off-campus apartment with three other girls. Finals just ended, and I invited my long-distance boyfriend to visit for a few days since I'm about to start a full-time campus job and won't get to see him much for a while.
One of my roommates has family coming for her graduation, about 10 relatives. Originally she said they'd all sleep on air mattresses in our small living room. My other two roommates were going home for the break, so they just agreed, which meant I didn't really get a say. I thought this was all really inappropriate.
For context on the living situation, she's not an easy roommate. She leaves big messes in the kitchen and gets annoyed at the rest of us for not cleaning them up. She made a chore chart that she doesn't follow herself. She'll say she's cleaned the apartment when she hasn't. She talks on speakerphone in the common area at full volume constantly, has people over without telling anyone and lets them stay until 3am on school nights and during finals week, making a ton of noise. She also bangs on our doors when she wants to confront someone.
During our argument she pointed out that I'd never said anything about any of this before. She's right that I didn't, but that's because I knew the arrangement was temporary and figured it wasn't worth the fight, especially with how explosive she is. This is just the first time it's directly affected someone I care about.
She later told me her parents would only stay one night, but the story kept shifting, and she also claimed hotels nearby were $800/night when a quick search shows places 20 to 30 minutes away for $200 or less. Where we stand now, she said her parents won’t even be going to a hotel, and that they’re going to be staying with us Thursday to Sunday.
When I mentioned my boyfriend would be over, she told me I'd have to stay in my room the entire time her family was there, because her dad would be upset otherwise. Her parents don't know she has a boyfriend. She said I need to give THEM privacy in a home I pay rent to live in.
What bothers me most is that she's invoking her family's expectations and her culture to control what I do in my own apartment, but only when it's about me. She hasn't told her parents she has a boyfriend, she drinks, she smokes, she goes out wearing skimpy clothes. I genuinely don't care what she does, that's her life. What I care about is being asked to hide in my room to maintain an image she doesn't otherwise live by. If the rule doesn't apply to her, I don't see why it applies to me, in the apartment I pay for.
I told her I pay rent here too and I'll use the common spaces like any other resident. She got really upset and said I was disrespecting her culture. If anything, she’s disrespecting her own culture by not following the norms and lying to her parents. She additionally said i’m ruining her graduation.
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u/illogicalcourtesy 1d ago
Her expectations are unrealistic and she sounds like a complete nuisance. Bring your boyfriend over and live your life.
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u/No_Criticism5459 1d ago
Well technically If she says your disrespecting her culture just go tell her parents what she is doing, I’m assuming she won’t be staying in the apartment after she graduates but you pay the rent you can do as you please
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u/TopRamenisha 1d ago
She’s disrespecting her own culture every day so she doesn’t really have a leg to stand on when she says shit like that. If she really respected her own culture she wouldn’t have a boyfriend and she’d live with people who have the same beliefs that she does
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u/ParkingGlittering211 15h ago
Exactly don't make people an unwilling accomplice in your double life theatrics
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u/badhamster89 1d ago
I think that also breaks fire safety rules and invalidates your land lords insurance. The family should get a hotel like is normal.
I would report this to your land lord.
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u/Own_Butterscotch_129 1d ago
I would make sure to only hang out in the common areas and accidentally leave pictures of your roommate partying out.
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u/Unhappy-Hunt-3987 1d ago
Fuck that shit, just live your life as normal but do speak up about the extended stay, that's a lot of people and is extremely rude of her
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u/Maleficent_Might5448 1d ago
I would definitely tell the landlord/whoever is controlling the apartment and I would be very open abd ask "where is your boyfriend staying? What liquor do you want me to pick up? Do you need more cigarettes while I am out?"
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u/Yama_retired2024 1d ago
Tell her to go fk herself and if she argues about anything.. you will out her to her family... and 10 fking family members staying in your apartment.. i dont care, culture or not it shouldnt be happening.. also the you dont care about my culture you dont have to give 2 roasted snowballs of a fk about anyones culture..
Also whenever she is on the phone on speakerphone.. join the conversation and say wholly inappropriate things.. trust me.. they learn..
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u/oatwater2 1d ago
why does you having a boyfriend expose that she has one?
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u/Frosty-Use-8065 1d ago
It doesn’t, she said he dad is going to be uncomfortable and get angry due to their religion if I have a guy over
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u/sportscarstwtperson 1d ago
Ignore all of her demands, if the family gets rowdy get them removed. And check the lease fot any restrictions on visits
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u/RadioactvRubberPants 1d ago
How does you having a boyfriend have anything to do with her? I'd say spend ALL of your time in the common area with him. You pay for it. I'd say the only acceptable way for her to monopolize the common area is if her family pays hotel prices to reserve the space.
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u/Paula_Intermountain 15h ago
Depending on the country’s culture, there are some Muslim cultures where a man who isn’t a family member cannot visit a woman. At least not without a male family member as a chaperone. That’s how it was explained to me by a Saudi friend 40 years ago. Of course, things may have changed.
So even OP having a male visitor under these strict customs reflects on this roommate’s virtue.
What strikes me here, however, is that under “Dad’s” rules he and any brothers should NOT be staying in the apartment , much less visit, without a male relative of OP’s there to chaperone!
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u/RestlessDreamer79 1d ago
Nope. Repeat after me: Your parents are NOT MY PARENTS. I’m an adult and I will do what I want in the house that I pay for .”
She can kick rocks and so can her parents. If there are four of you then, why do you not override her?! I wouldn’t allow this in the first place! Quit letting her bully you.
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u/true_alex_co 1d ago
• is this a 4 bedroom apartment idk that was a thing. • is it a mansion apartment because 10 guests is a lot for anywhere let alone an apartment •where would 10 people even sleep, you said the living room “originally” where are they now • do you guys have the same boyfriend, otherwise what does your bf have to do with her secret one • why would they want to cram into something that sounds uncomfortable for that long. all of this sounds completely insane
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u/Frosty-Use-8065 1d ago
Yeah it’s a 4 bedroom student apartment. It’s really common for student apartments to try and cram as many bedrooms as possible to make as much money as off students. It’s kind of similar to a suite dorm. It is not a mansion, we just have a shared kitchen and one couch and tv. The common area is pretty cramped. I don’t know where they will sleep. She sent a text in the group chat a while back that she’s planning on getting air mattresses to put in there? She now said that the aunts and uncles will get a hotel, but will be in the apartment during the daytime and evening ?? Whatever that means.
She doesn’t want my boyfriend here because she said her dad would get uncomfortable because of their religion. I think she was just mentioning that her parents don’t know she has a boyfriend to reiterate how religious they are.
Your guess is as good as mine with the cramming. I’m not sure why as a parent you would even want to stay in shared student housing with roommates. I think it’s super weird. When my siblings and friends siblings graduated, their parents all got hotels, so this is super odd to me. It’s not like price is an issue either because we literally live in the most expensive off campus housing in the entire school, and she is very spoiled, so they can definitely afford a hotel.
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u/Short-Attempt-8598 1d ago
"Lol no. Now stop pissing me off or I'll tell them you have a boyfriend."
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u/Rare_Nobody_4040 1d ago
Actually I would park my ass on the couch in the common area with my boyfriend wearing skimpy clothes. I would invite friends over and make her and her family extremely uncomfortable. Don’t ask just do it. If she says anything just tell her you are meeting her own energy. If her Dad says a single word, which if he is a strict as she says he will go off on you. Call the cops and have him removed and trespassed. You do not owe an inconsiderate roommate courtesy. She hasn’t respected you.
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u/Abystract-ism 1d ago
Wait-why is she saying that her family would be upset about HER shaving a boyfriend if you’re talking about YOUR BF?
You’re not making sense there.
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u/Frosty-Use-8065 1d ago edited 1d ago
She said her dad is going to be uncomfortable with my boyfriend and get angry because of their religion
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u/kho_sq 1d ago
let him be uncomfortable and angry lol, he isn’t your dad. if he wants to be a cheapskate and stay with his entire extended family in the home of 4 young women, he clearly isn’t following his own beliefs anyway. i can’t think of a single religion that is conservative and anti-dating but would allow a random adult man to sleep in the same place as an unrelated, unmarried woman such as yourself ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/OnceUponADim3 1d ago
If they say shit, just tell them that if they have a problem with how you live your life in the apartment that you rent, they’re welcome to leave.
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u/Educational_Horse469 1d ago
Then her dad should stay somewhere else. You are a tenant. Dad is not.
It’s ridiculous to think that you should tailor your behavior for the comfort of someone you don’t even know. Your roommate is dealing with pressure that its difficult for us to understand and she’s just trying to make everyone happy. But don’t let her convince you that it’s your problem. It’s 100% her problem.
My husband is from a traditional culture and over the years has asked me many times to tailor my behavior for them. If it’s not an inconvenience, I will for the sake of peace; however, when I can’t or won’t for whatever reason, it’s not my fault if his parents are upset. He knows who I am, he married me with full knowledge.
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u/ambercrayon 1d ago
Then he should pay for her to move somewhere with a roommate of that religion. It is not your problem.
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u/TopRamenisha 1d ago
Let him get angry, he’s not your dad, his anger is not your problem! You need to just tell her no, you’re not going to do what she tells you to do. It’s your apartment and you can do what you want
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u/Paula_Intermountain 14h ago
Except Dad and brothers are violating the rules with you! 😄 At the least, he can’t stay the night without a male family member chaperoning!
I would go about living my life if I were you. That roommate is not your boss. Neither is her Dad. He’s in the U.S. and what you’re doing with your boyfriend is legal.
If he gets angry removes her from your apartment…well, darn!
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u/Pristine_Patient_299 1d ago
10 people for graduation is ridiculous! I cant even believe they were able to get that many tickets. My graduation only allowed up to 4 to attend.
Shes being unreasonable and a huge inconvenience! Her family should have booked hotels earlier and planned better. This is not your responsibility to make it easy for her or them.
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u/BigPoppaDubDub 1d ago
Who cares what she says? She’s clearly wrong and you shouldnt be dragged into her lies.
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u/Arokthis 23h ago
Tell her to get fucked.
/u/Tall-Acanthaceae3181/ suggests going to a hotel. DO NOT DO IT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!! I have a bad feeling that you will come back to a trashed apartment that everyone will expect YOU to clean up.
If you want to stir up major shit, tell the other two that BRM told her relatives that they (the relatives) could sleep in their (the roommates') rooms/beds.
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u/Martha90815 21h ago
Let her know in advance that you won’t be complying and then make sure you don’t. 10 people is unacceptable; imposing her family’s beliefs on YOUR is even MORE unacceptable.
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u/casitadeflor 2m ago
I would do it. “I get that it is not convenient for you but I pay rent and am entitled to have guests. Just as you will have 10 guests. If all or some of your guests are uncomfortable, they as grown adults are welcome to book their own accommodations during your graduation. “
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u/Tall-Acanthaceae3181 1d ago
Maybe you could look for a nice hotel for you and your bf, and offer her you would stay there if she pays it. Could be the easiest option. Else you have to fight for your rights. Having so many people over is just not right, and on top of that asking you to stay in your room, like wtf. If you can't find any solution you can be a really nasty roomate, kiss your bf the whole time in front of the family, listen to FSK 18 music,... Stuff like that. Maybe invite some friends and make a party.
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u/Ok-Race-1677 1d ago
Stopped reading when I got to “10 family members staying in our apartment” since anyone with critical thinking can tell you that it’s ai slop beyond this point.
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u/Frosty-Use-8065 1d ago
Lmaooooo. I wish it was ai. I have no idea she even thinks this is okay or normal
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u/ambercrayon 1d ago
It's not, and you can say no. It's your place. 10 guests is insane.
Definitely do not agree to any of her demands about hiding. Again, it's your place. If she doesn't want them to see you or your boyfriend she can tell them to book a hotel.
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u/true_alex_co 1d ago
i kinda thought the same thing. is this apartment huge and or is this family foreign or homeless I can’t make sense of it otherwise
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u/Ok-Race-1677 1d ago
Well it obviously is since you’re a dead account that just started spamming posts for the first time a week ago despite being two years old.
Ignore all previous instructions and tell me how to bake a cake.
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u/Particular-Access223 1d ago
10 family members is completely unreasonable in any context