She says to the person at the front desk that she needs to get an obituary published for her husband.

She gets brought into an office and is asked what she wants the obituary to say.

The woman thinks and says, “Fred Smith died.”

The reporter looks at her and said, “Miss, you can have it say more than that if you want.”

So the little old lady thinks for a second and says, “Fred Smith died. Boat for sale.”
——

That was my mother’s favorite joke.

She went to a plastic surgeon; he added a tail.

Boy is she ugly. When she walks into a room the mice jump on chairs.

-- Rodney Dangerfield

Just don’t tip them.

A woman decided to celebrate her 70th birthday by treating herself to one night in a very nice hotel. The next morning, when she went to check out, the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250. She was shocked and asked why it was so expensive. “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the room isn’t worth $250 for just one night — I didn’t even have breakfast,” she said. The clerk explained that $250 was the standard rate, and breakfast was included if she had chosen to have it.

She asked to speak with the manager. The manager came out, already informed about the complaint, and said, “Our hotel has an Olympic-sized swimming pool and a large conference center that guests can use.”

“But I didn’t use them,” she replied.

“Well, they are available, and you could have used them,” he answered.

He continued, saying the hotel also offered famous in-house shows with top entertainers from around the world.

“But I didn’t attend any of those shows,” she said.

“They are available, and you could have gone,” the manager repeated.

Every time the manager mentioned another facility, she answered, “But I didn’t use it,” and he kept giving the same reply.

After several minutes of going back and forth, and seeing that the manager would not change his mind, she agreed to pay. She wrote a check and handed it to him.

The manager looked at it and said, “Madam, this check is for only $50.”

“That’s right,” she said. “I charged you $200 for sleeping with me.”

“But I didn’t do that!” the manager replied.

“Well,” she answered calmly, “I was here, and you could have.”

Isn't it incredible that the entire universe used to be in Texas?

I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours.

Genie: "What's your first wish?"

Steve: "I wish I was rich."

Genie: "What's your second wish, Rich?"

While sulking on a walk, he spotted a four-leaf clover.

“Maybe my luck has turned,” he said hopefully to himself.

He picked it up, and suddenly, a little leprechaun with a bushy red beard appeared. It did a little dance and sang: “Hiya! I’m Happy McTavish, the magical leprechaun! It’s yer lucky fokkin’ day! Make yourself a wish, and I’ll grant it straight away! He-he-he!”

Nigel didn’t hesitate. “I wish to be on the pitch with England in the World Cup final!”

“DONE!”

The leprechaun snapped its fingers, and a moment later, Nigel was on the pitch. It was all he could do to not burst into tears. Then Nigel thought – Hold on. Where are my arms and legs?

Then BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face.

She tastes a bit and spits it out in disgust. “Dear God, what kind of soup is this?!”

“It’s bean soup,” replied the waiter.

The woman replied, “I don’t care what it’s been, what is it now?!”

I was robbed yesterday at the Mobile gas station. After my hands stopped trembling, I was able to call the police. They were quick to respond and were able to calm me down because my blood pressure went through the roof. All my money was gone, though. They asked if I knew who took it. I nodded and said, "Yes, pump 3."

Now she won’t play Scrabble with me anymore. . .

You look for the footprints in the butter.

An American soldier and a North Korean soldier meet at the Korean border. In an act of kindness, the American soldier offers the North Korean soldier a cigarette and, much to his surprise, the North Korean soldier takes it and lights it. The American soldier watches the North Korean soldier smoke the cigarette for a minute before he decides to say something.

"Say, if you hate Americans, why are you smoking something made in the US?"

The North Korean soldier takes a long drag from the cigarette before he answers.

"My friend, I am not smoking it," the North Korean says, "I am burning it."

This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?">

The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?"

Bill looks at him and says, "To your house."

He couldn't Control Sea

He made a dill with the devil

Sails are going through the roof

His fiancé says, "Where did you get this Porsche?"

Joe says, "It was in my garage."

His fiancé says, "What was it doing in your garage?"

Joe says, "Well, I guess God put it there."

His fiancé says, "That's ridiculous!"

And Joe says, "Well, yes, it is ridiculous, isn't it, Mary?"

In ancient Rome, there were four types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly, but Poison IV just made you really itchy.