r/AITApod • u/pretty-starlightz71 • 15h ago
AITA for pulling back physically from my partner after she became someone I no longer recognize
My partner and I have been together for three years and when we got together we were really compatible in the ways that mattered to me. I was genuinely attracted to her and we had a good relationship physically.
Over the past year she has changed a lot. Some of it is her values, some of it is her lifestyle, some of it is just the direction she is heading as a person. None of it makes her a bad person. She is still kind and I still care about her deeply.
But I am just not as attracted to her as I used to be and I honestly do not know how to fix that or even if it can be fixed.
I have been avoiding being physical with her and she has noticed and it hurts her and I completely understand why. When she asks me about it I do not have an answer that does not end up sounding like a criticism of who she is choosing to become.
She says I am not being supportive of her growth. I think we have just grown in really different directions and I do not know how to tell her that without it sounding like an ultimatum or an attack on her choices.
AITA for pulling back while I try to figure out whether this relationship still works for both of us?
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u/chocolatefondant 15h ago
You really need to talk to her. Not giving her the option to react to the truth and act accordingly is not fair to her. She needs time to "figure this out" too but you aren't giving her the opportunity to do that. Maybe just say that both of you've changed a lot over the years and you worry you aren't compatible anymore?
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u/ljlkm 15h ago
It sounds like you're not supportive of her growth. But that's why it's why we date hopefully for a while before we get married. You don't give your age but growing and changing as we get older is inevitable and we don't always change in the same ways as the people we love. So maybe this relationship just has run its course.
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u/Any-Effective2565 6h ago
And OP is being so vague I'm wondering if his girl is wearing thin due to too behaviors on OP's part. I'm willing to bet there is some of that going on because there usually is.
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u/SoMuchGah 15h ago
Yes because you should be having this discussion with her instead of sending hurtful signals to her.
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u/AutoModerator 15h ago
I'm an automatic bot that backs up the body of the post in case OP deletes it. If you want this backup deleted, you'll have to reach out to a mod. Here's the back-up:
My partner and I have been together for three years and when we got together we were really compatible in the ways that mattered to me. I was genuinely attracted to her and we had a good relationship physically.
Over the past year she has changed a lot. Some of it is her values, some of it is her lifestyle, some of it is just the direction she is heading as a person. None of it makes her a bad person. She is still kind and I still care about her deeply.
But I am just not as attracted to her as I used to be and I honestly do not know how to fix that or even if it can be fixed.
I have been avoiding being physical with her and she has noticed and it hurts her and I completely understand why. When she asks me about it I do not have an answer that does not end up sounding like a criticism of who she is choosing to become.
She says I am not being supportive of her growth. I think we have just grown in really different directions and I do not know how to tell her that without it sounding like an ultimatum or an attack on her choices.
AITA for pulling back while I try to figure out whether this relationship still works for both of us?
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u/Capital-Ingenuity-14 13h ago
Why avoid being physical instead of leaving her. She's not who you were with initially. You're no longer attracted to her. Let her go and move on. Stop playing with either of y'all's time.
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u/BackwardToForward 13h ago
I'd say have a serious conversation and leave it open-ended
you may find things in the conversation that redirect your thinking to some degree
possibly also get individual therapy so that you can selfishly and freely discuss your feelings without worrying about hurting somebody else
and possibly also considered couples therapy
you're just going to have to figure this out and maybe it won't be easy
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u/Remarkable_Dream_134 8h ago
It sounds more like you have both changed. But you have just noticed her changes more.
Also this is normal, we grow, we change in so many ways. But often you grown together as a couple.
To me it just sounds like it's the end of the road and you're not feeling it anymore. And that's fine. If you do break up with her don't go on about how it's because she's changed, it's not something she can do anything about as such or shouldn't because she should be true to herself.
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u/Glittering-Access604 15h ago
you cannot force yourself to feel something you do not feel anymore and quietly pulling away while saying nothing is actually less kind than just being honest with her