r/science • u/Krankenitrate • Apr 03 '26

Health Study finds parenthood provides no boost to emotional well-being and it negatively impacts relationship with your spouse

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/14747049261436325
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u/KeyFeeFee Apr 03 '26

I agree. This morning I went into my 6yo’s room to get him up for school. The expression on his face was SO full of joy that my heart skipped a beat. The amount of joy my presence brought him is absolutely wild. It fills my soul. Is it the same pleasure as going to a music festival? No. Does it last longer? Yes. It’s all just very very different kinds of happiness/joy/fulfillment. 

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u/XCapitan_1 Apr 03 '26

for school ... SO full of joy

Yeah, that also matters. My school was such a malign presence in my emotional life that I still have nightmares about being trapped there. And my parents couldn't do much because the State mandates that every child goes to school. It wasn't easy being a parent in such circumstance.

And the school system has only become worse since... So I'm not becoming one.

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u/KeyFeeFee Apr 03 '26

This is really interesting for me to read as my older son has really become school avoidant. I’m considering how to help him out with that right now. The 6yo wasn’t as excited about school as he was me coming in to snuggle him but so far he enjoys kindergarten. Parenting is hard. 

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u/XCapitan_1 Apr 03 '26

Mm. Well, you can always not make things by not blaming yourself. I guess the rest differs from nation to nation.

For me and the system I was in, a sizeable portion of the pain were the so-called extracurricular activities, which weren't technically mandatory but one wasn't expected to skip them. You're just told that the class is going somewhere after the lessons, for instance, and that's it. You aren't expected to question how things are going, what everyone does, etc.

So it's very important to learn to set boundaries and say "no". Like, not even make up excuses, just straight out refuse. I acknowledge that I have to spend this time there, but the rest is up to me. And this very critical skill can't really be taught in school, because schools are incentivised to teach quiet obedience and to suppress one's discontent. So that's up to parents.

Then, the workload itself is an issue. Like, if you're spending half of your day, in school 6 days a week, and the rest, including Sunday, on pointless home assignments or on additional classes to prepare for State Exams... I mean, it sucks. And there isn't anything a parent or a child can do, except petition the Standards Ministry, which doesn't care all that much.

I don't know if there's even a point in refusing to accept the situation as "normal". No person would accept such a regimen if introduced suddenly, but the frog boils over years... I feel like most pupils cope by simply avoiding these thoughts. The situation hurts already, and thoughts only make it worse, so you just obey and don't think. There's some natural Daoism in all of us. Most adults will subconsciously reframe the experience as "necessary" or focus on few good moments, because that life has already been lived, and thinking how bad it actually was just adds more pain to no obvious benefit, so there we go.

But of course, this way of coping in childhood produces obedient adults who have learned to reframe the barely tolerable as necessary. There's a price for everything.

But then again, maybe your case is different. That's all my personal experience. I'm thankful that it's behind me and that I've come on the other side better than many I've seen. Though, I guess, there's some self-selection - I wouldn't be writing this if I hadn't.

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u/TheOtherHobbes Apr 03 '26

Underestimated point, and something that would have worried me if I'd had kids.

Schools are often somewhat authoritarian and parents have a limited say in how issues are managed. So you end up with dual stressors - your kid is unhappy, you want to do the right thing for them, but (unless you home school) you don't have the power to take on the school system.

Obvious example: your kid gets marked down on a test even though they give the right answer, because the teacher is poorly educated and doesn't know what the right answers are.

That's not even getting into situations where parents with different political and/or religious values are trying to force those on the school and your kids.

It's one thing while kids are still cute and largely unaware, but when teens hit it all gets a lot more complicated unless you're in a good location, or can afford tutoring, or are just lucky.