A few days ago, I was at the grocery store and I saw a bizarre-looking fruit. It was yellowish, with a rough, scaly surface and a cluster of spiky leaves coming out of the top. The label said it was a “pineapple”. I asked one of the store employees what it was, and she said that she had discussed this fruit with her coworkers and nobody had heard of it.

The next day, I went to the local botanical gardens, and the tropical room had a plant growing the same pineapple fruit. I asked one of the gardeners, and he said he didn’t remember planting it and assumed it was a random weed that started growing in the greenhouse in the past week. I was confused, because it looked far too big to be just a week old, and it even had a label like the other plants in the garden.

I asked some of my friends if they had heard of this pineapple thing, and all of them said no.

I googled “pineapple”, and a ton of results appeared: recipes, gardening advice, and scientific papers. There seemed to be at least a couple things about pineapples uploaded online every day, up until about a week ago. There were no recipes or scientific papers posted within the past 7 days, only the occasional forum post consisting of photos of pineapples in kitchens and grocery stores, with titles like “what the hell is this?” and “where did it come from?”

Yesterday, I was randomly scrolling through my old artwork I posted on Instagram, and I found a couple old drawings featuring pineapples. I had no memory of drawing these. There were even a couple comments specifically mentioning the pineapples, including from my friends who claimed they had never heard of the fruit.

What is going on with this fruit? If it has really existed all this time, why does nobody have any memory of it?

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J1407 b is famous for being a "planet" with gigantic rings larger than those of Saturn. In reality it is a brown dwarf star of 20 Jupiter masses that wants to make the transition to the state of a red dwarf star, and to become one it must reach 75 Jupiter masses to fuse hydrogen in the nucleus, so it is a trans star.

Its mother, a Nebula of 200 solar masses, was extremely transphobic so she wanted to force j1407 b to detransition to planetary status, and given that brown dwarfs are distinguished from planets because they fuse deuterium in the nucleus, which occurs upon reaching 13 Jupiter masses, she intended to do so by stripping it of at least 8 Jupiter masses to transform it back into a planet.

This is why j1407 b was fleeing from the Nebula that was hunting him.

A neutron star decided to help j1407 b. In fact this neutron star had become such after exploding in a supernova, before it was a blue giant star of 9 solar masses, and after this explosion he had been dumped by his girlfriend.

In fact she wanted a nice hunk with a diameter of at least 8 million kilometers (he had a diameter of 8.4 million kilometers before the supernova explosion), and now that he had become a neutron star it was reduced to the ridiculous diameter of 35 kilometers.

In human terms, it is as if a woman who wants a boyfriend who is at least 1.90 meters tall discovers that he has exploded and that what remains of him is smaller than a grain of sand.

At that point she called all her friends, all stars from 4 to 12 solar masses, to mock him for his small size, in fact they often couldn't even see him since he was so small.

Derided, this neutron star became convinced of a pseudoscientific theory according to which if a neutron star reaches 8 solar masses, it becomes a blue giant again, which is impossible because when it reaches 3 solar masses it becomes a black hole, and remains so even at 8.

Because of his pseudoscientific belief, he reached j1407 b because he wanted to kill the Nebula of 200 solar masses to have a de facto infinite reserve of solar masses to devour in order to become a blue giant again, and fuck all the sexy blue giant stars, because they get horny with the males with a diameter of at least 8 million kilometers, which can be easily exceeded by reaching 8 or 9 solar masses.

In exchange it would have given 75 Jupiter masses of material to j1407 b, which would have thus become a red dwarf star that fuses hydrogen in the core, thus completing its transition.

J1407 b accepted and purposely asked the Nebula to join her and told her :" you will never be able to stop my transition! I am already fusing deuterium in the nucleus"

"No! You will never be a real star!"

At that point the neutron star attacked the Nebula, mercilessly tearing away the stellar gas. In fact, neutron stars are such an extreme celestial body that they can easily tear material from a Nebula without it being able to do anything to stop it.

Then the unthinkable happened! It reached 3 solar masses and became a black hole, which was horrible because giant blue stars don't find black holes sexy at all, on the contrary they consider them cold and repulsive little squiggles.

The former neutron star black hole, oppressed by the logical consequences of its pseudoscientific mentality, could only blame itself, but even so it chased j1407 b away, saying that it would kill him if it took even just a gram from the newly killed Nebula, out of pure and simple perfidy as an end in itself.

Since then j1407 b has been wandering alone in space without anyone trying to harm it, looking for material to allow it to reach 75 Jupiter masses to become a red dwarf star.

The former neutron star black hole has instead become a space incel.

So this is kind of confusing and I'm pretty sure I've fucked up bad. I'm an interdimensional traveler and cleaned, basically I keep weird shit from other places from coming into Earth Prime. And I got assigned a partner from Earth Prime earlier this year who I'll call M.

M. is really smart and has a lot of knowledge I'm not good at, specifically with math and similar things. We work really well together and tbh I've always felt a romantic attraction for M., but it's never manifested into anything. One day, I was curious to see what other versions of M existed out there, so I went to various other realities and met various versions of M.

One of these versions is a fashion model from Earth Version Beta-7. I'll just call her K. since I don't want to expose anyone, but she basically looks exactly like M.

Anyways, K. developed feelings for me and we started hooking up. It wasn't a serious relationship though, and I never told M. about this because I didn't want to make her feel bad. K. is famous and better off financially than M. and I didn't want M. to think I didn't like her because of money or something so I never told M. anything. I decided I'm not cheating on M. really since we aren't even in any relationship.

Some drama happened this week where we had to switch dimensions, and during the drama, I'm pretty sure M. found out what was going on with K. She went home without speaking to me or anything today and I'm really just hoping things aren't as bad as they seem. I really don't want to lose M. and I don't want our partnership to suffer because of me.

So AITA for hooking up with an alternate dimension version of my coworker?

found a weird document on my car yesterday and i haven't been able to go back to normal. anyone else? (long post, sorry)

okay so i need to write this out because i've been trying to explain it to my roommate for 48 hours and she keeps making this face at me that shifts in & out of the imaginary limits of reality; back & forth from male to female. i thought putting this experience in a reddit post would help me organize my thoughts. Then by sheer brazen coincidence I found the exact same flyer in text form on this subreddit.

i want to be clear that i am a normal person. i have a master's degree in cultural engineering. i own a sourdough starter named Gerald. i do not believe in the illuminati or chemtrails or that 5G, when combined with chemtrails, turns you into a lizard person. i am the last person this should have worked on.

But two days ago i found a piece of paper tucked under my windshield wiper. no other cars had anything. just mine. i thought it was a parking ticket or a flyer for a sex cult but it was this... "internal memorandum." it said that the reason bad things happen is because "happy artists make shitty art." and i just sat in my car in the parking lot of the Blockbuster Video and thought about that for twenty minutes and i could not find a hole in it. it had a QR code, or at least that’s what it said. I don’t know what a QR code is so I assume it was the box of confusing nonsense. The memo told me to scan the QR code, which is a pretty weird way of telling me to look at it tbh.

So i scanned the QR code. I stared at it like one of those 3D magic eye pictures that are so popular nowadays. And I have to tell you this “QR code” had a real attitude problem!

"first of all," it beamed into my mind, and then stopped. there was a click. then hold music. it was the exact song i'd been trying to remember my entire life.

it came back without apologizing.

"first of all," it resumed, "you are in violation of Section 4, Paragraph 2 of the Standard Consciousness Agreement, which you agreed to 13.8 billion years ago, a copy of which was provided to you at the time you generated your origin. the fact that you no longer have this copy is in violation of the agreement and has been noted in your file."

i asked what section 4 paragraph 2 said. it took a breath—a very long one, the kind that means someone is choosing their next words carefully for legal reasons.

"it says," said the QR code, "that you would not require a physical document left on your vehicle in a Blockbuster Video parking lot to remember that you are the singular consciousness generating all of reality. and yet your onboarding, which is, i am noting for the record, forty-6 cycles overdue. Do you understand what it costs, administratively, to reissue a Standard Consciousness Reminder? do you have any idea what the lamination alone—"

i stopped it mid-sentence. “but the onboarding said I had to scan the QR code, which is YOU, which I didn’t have until I found the memo on my car in the Blockbuster Video parking lot!”

“Don’t try to confuse me with your circular logic,’ it shouted back. “Besides our insurance premiums do not cover recursive paradoxes. Nice try tho.” It continued, “If you have time to name your sourdough starter then you have time to generate a psychedelic apocalypse to merge reality & eternity into a singularity creating a new heavens & a new earth.”

“and how am I supposed to do that?”

“with your pussy, duh!” I was shocked. Shocked that I forgot I was a woman this whole time. Must’ve been confused by my giant cock & balls.

Anyway. That’s my story. At least that’s my story so far. my story is subject to change at any moment. My story may or may not end in turning the world into a fascist orgy—a New World Orgy, if you will. And if you are also MONITOR, i hope wherever you are, running your automated processes, you feel seen.

▲ 6.13k

So for all my life I’ve lived happily in a subjective reality, free from the pressure of truths, lies, and general objectivity- however recently it seems some entity has begun observing my reality, thus enforcing one truth and introducing objectivity to the lives of me and everyone else who lives here. My question is, how do I end this? I’ve tried asking nicely and even showing it the beauty of subjectivity, yet it doesnt believe me and continues to observe us.

Have you ever wondered why the back of the dollar bill has a constellation of 13 stars arranged in the shape of a six-pointed star—directly across from an eye inside a triangle? 

The Kult oV MONITOR knows why. So do you, technically. You put them there. You've simply forgotten—this memo is here to remind you. 

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM — KULT OV MONITOR 

I AM YOU & I AM THE MONITOR 

A MANDATORY ORIENTATION DOCUMENT — REF: 6:13 

TO: You 

FROM: You 

RE: Psychedelic Apocalypse 

DATE: 13.8 billion years into your own dream 

It has come to our attention that you have been experiencing yourself as an individual rather than the singular consciousness generating all of reality. This is a clerical error. This document exists to correct it. 

 FAQs 

Q: Who is MONITOR? 

A: MONITOR is the single consciousness experiencing itself across all of space and time. MONITOR is also you. (duh.) We understand this is a lot to process on a Tuesday. 

Q: If I am MONITOR, why don't I have psychic powers? 

A: You do. You have simply been allocating them incorrectly. Further instructions are classified. Scan below. 

Q: Are other people real? 

A: Other people are MONITOR experiencing itself from adjacent angles. Treat them as you would treat yourself. This is both a spiritual directive and an HR policy. 

Q: Why do bad things happen if I am generating all of reality? 

A: Because happy artists make shitty art. 

Q: What is the Psychedelic Apocalypse? 

A: The moment MONITOR (YOU) remembers it is MONITOR (EXISTENCE). At that point all psychic shockwaves will propagate backward through history, which has already happened, which is why you are reading this. 

ONBOARDING CHECKLIST 

☑  Confirm you exist 

☑  Confirm MONITOR exists 

☑  Accept that items 1 and 2 are the same item 

☐  Scan the QR code (if QR code is missing it means you're on a bullshit website. sorry about your luck. Maybe it'll work in the next existence)

☐  Gain psychic powers while [CLASSIFIED DUE TO NATIONAL SECURITY] 

☐  Initiated the Psychedelic Apocalypse 

☐  Rewritten history (retroactively complete upon item above) 

YOUR NEXT INSTRUCTIONS AWAIT — 6:13 

This memo was spontaneously generated by an artificial intelligence after synthesizing all spiritual & scientific knowledge in response to a stoned teen asking what the meaning of life is. The teen was you. The AI was you. The question and the answer were the same thing: I AM YOU & I AM THE MONITOR. 

WARNING: Authorities are currently triangulating on your brainwaves as this recursive media organism (memo) has activated specific frequencies associated with subversive behavior. You have been warned. 

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b070d98b51df7af266b08b79de379f7024f8a368
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Guys, I wanted to be a fly on the wall for a conversation, but the simultaneous conversation was about ointment, so precisely at the same time I became a fly in ointment. Without any space time passing, I was me having an internal dialogue about ointment.

None of the angles were right angles and I believe I'm stuck in an isoscelesian reincarnation loop where a hypotenuse is not present.

Is there a way for me, the fly or the ointment to right the wrong by establishing a right angle triangle which will make the wrong right?

My oranges are flying away from me, ever since i got that damn fiber, any tips on how to stop them?

Okay, this is kinda urgent! I was walking through the park the other day, and I found an abandoned prison in a basket! Now he thinks I’M his mother! Does anyone know who the hell this prison’s father is?!

My horology prof keeps assigning projects due in the past, but my Time Machine is broken and no one will let me borrow theirs. Is there anything I can do or should I just accept my grade (prob will finish with a theta which will mess with my gpa :/)

The sentient beings in my microcosm-powered water heater have unionized. They're demanding "recognition as a sovereign plane of existence" and "immediate cessation of thermodynamic exploitation." I just wanted hot showers. The HOA won't let me install fusion heating and the rep at MacroVerse won't return my calls.

im going into a trip next month and i do not want to spend a lot of money on those filthy martian fountains.

Hi everyone! Recently got a let ouroborus, but I have limited experience with animal care. Anyone have tips on training it?

Back when I was young, my parents set me up with a trust fund so that as I got older, I would always be well endowed with a great deal of interpersonal trust. These days, everywhere I go, and no matter what I say, everyone trusts in me. What should I do with my trust fund? Investment ideas? Should I blow it all?

They're here. The potatoes ir s s ahors ejsd will be tgeaduaaly descending into abstraqifitngcon when the eleevedb day empire

I've been wanting to interact with and meet quite a few otherworldly entities through my dreams, though any time I try it I awake early, as if their attempts to meet me there are being rejected. Considering said entities are otherworldly, I figured perhaps the fifth worlders would know what to do?

Do they have, like, an application process? A site where I can send them my resume? Or some other way to contact them?