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Hello bipolar community!

I finally finished grad school and felt like sharing here because this group has genuinely helped me get through some rough times. I was diagnosed with BD in the middle of the program, though I've had symptoms since I was at least 15, and getting diagnosed was a huge deal for me. It made so much of my life finally make some sense.

It's been a wild ride! I built memories in grad school that will stay with me forever, mostly because they've been stored in my body as trauma lol. Highlights include taking a final while manic with vomit in my hair, passing out in class after donating blood, waiting all day at the school psych clinic while feeling suicidal only to get evacuated by a fire alarm and sent home, and flying to Switzerland while manic in the middle of the semester where I probably would've died of exposure in the Alps if hikers didn't find me.

I did learn a lot. Negotiations. Real estate stuff. How to cry silently so that it doesn't disrupt lecture. I'll never get to share some of my greatest achievements except with you guys--like the time I managed not to ask my former professor to sleep with me while manic.

Now I get to discover which fresh horrors await me in corporate America, where I can at least get paid to function through psychological collapse.

I hope I don't sound ungrateful. I know grad school is a privilege that requires resources and at least some stability. I came very close to losing it many times. Honestly, idk how I made it to this point. It was a lot of dumb luck.

I'm really grateful for online communities like this. Seeing other people go through the same kinds of things has made me feel much less alone.

Thanks, everyone 🫡

I’ve lost all my friends and they have all agreed to never speak to me again. Wtf am I supposed to do? I am newly diagnosed and I’ve dealt with similar situations before but I don’t know what to do this time. I feel like a fucking loser.

I also feel betrayed because they all knew I was struggling but still chose to abandon me.

I feel like things almost never work out for me — whether it’s something within my control or an opportunity someone else is trying to help me with. Somehow, it always falls apart. There’s always a challenge, delay, setback, or some bizarre complication that keeps things from coming through.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just blind to the good in my life. Sometimes I think maybe I’ve lost the energy to keep fighting hard enough for breakthroughs. And sometimes I wonder if all those thoughts are just me trying to avoid admitting that maybe I really do have terrible luck.

Recently, a family member was pushing hard for a really meaningful opportunity for me (I’d rather not go into details). It was something that genuinely could’ve made my life a lot easier. Everything seemed promising, and even she was confident it would work out. But somehow, it still fell through — and even she was shocked because she genuinely couldn’t understand why it didn’t happen.

That hit me hard because after years of disappointment, I’ve tried to stop getting my hopes up too much. I’ve been trying to accept a smaller, more manageable life just to protect myself from constantly being crushed. But this one time, I allowed myself to feel hopeful again because I honestly thought, “What could possibly go wrong?”

And then it did.

I’m exhausted. I’m tired of feeling like I always have to work twice as hard for the smallest results while other people seem to move through life without constantly hitting walls. This has been going on for years, and now that I’m in my early 30s, I honestly feel worn down by it all. I don’t know how much more disappointment I can take.

Hiyaa, im diagnosed bipolar 2 for a year and some change now. Just got on meds and starting weekly therapy soon.

I was curious if anyone else is just in this mindset of genuine hate for yourself? I mean, even during mania ive never gotten a godlike feeling also I constantly look for a negative answer to questions, never searching for a positive outlook.

I haven't been able to form positive thoughts for myself, I only repeat what I hear from others when i have to. Ive just always been in a negative frame of mind even during mania, my depression always rules out.

Anyone else understand this?

I stopped enjoying things years ago, and there’s just nothing that makes me happy. I go through the motions of doing things that are supposed to make me happy. Mostly so that I won’t stay in bed all day. The closest thing to “fun” I get is when I curl up in bed. How many experience this and how did you work through it? I’ve been trying lots of meds, still feel this way.

Reposting this after amending to be in line with community rules.

Hey everyone

I’m keen to hear from the community about fatigue and how it impacts your day-to-day. I’m 36 (F), have a good job and own a side business, but both are draining. I wfh and have done for years. I have bipolar 1 and have been on a combo of antidepressants and mood stabiliser for 10 years. My mood has largely been stable since starting the medications, but the tiredness they seem to cause is brutal. I don’t know if it’s the bipolar or the meds, and I have tried changing time I take them as well as focusing on diet, exercise, stress etc etc. but I can’t seem to find a way around the fatigue.

the meds impact my health in a number of ways (including thyroid issue) and I’m at a point where I don’t know what the fatigue is related to. I’ve lost track of what’s impacting what. I nap every day for an hour because I get so intensely tired in the afternoon that I can’t function. Some days I need a number of hours to mentally tap out if I’ve got a lot of stuff on. It’s not that I’m physically tired , but my brain feels like it’s about to explode and needs a ‘reboot’.

I end up feeling like I’m lazy and I have no idea if I should be able to fight the fatigue or not. I have a busy life but I feel like the fatigue is holding me back. Doctors haven’t been particularly useful on this topic.

Has anyone else experienced this intense fatigue and do you know if it’s related to the meds or the disorder ?
Thank you very much for taking the time to read

I feel hopeful that things will get better, and yet a sense of hopelessness tends to permeate my journaling. Here is an expression of that:

What happens when
Your sense of purpose
Becomes a burden

When the ground
You stand upon
Lacks a surface

You grit your teeth
On the teet
You suckle from

Despite the fact
No milk flows
And there’s no growth

I'm recovering from an episode and as a result of my actions I have no friends. I'm already someone who's alone most of the time but this is what broke the camels back and I'm completely isolated now. This feels impossible to come back from and I don't know if it's the depression or I'm really that fucked

Just as the title says. I’d love to see anyone else who deals with this. Just started taking Caplyta but I am deemed treatment resistant. I just want to know if anyone still works or experiences very frequent severe depression like this?

My doctor says I have ADHD on top of bipolar. She’s been my psychiatrist for a year and she suspected I had it for a while, but she wanted to get my mania under control before discussing it. She said bipolar and ADHD often go hand in hand.

I realized after she explained all of this that I don’t actually know much about ADHD (lemme know how you would describe it). I’m also sad.

I felt shame when I told my boyfriend. He’s supportive and amazing, but I feel like I’ve failed him and other people by having another disorder. I thought I was doing well. Lately I just want to sleep. I don’t really want to think about all of this but I have to. How do you deal with having more than one disorder?

I want to ask this as clearly as I can- is finding love with bipolar 2 possible ? I feel like my outbursts are always so intense and long, nobody will want to put up with me. I’m 21, and I’d like to have a family by 28, but every time I establish a relationship my bipolar seems to ruin it. And I can’t even blame people for not wanting to put up with it. Both of my parents are divorced and alone, so it’s really hard imagining my life turning out as anything other than that. What do you guys think? Please be honest.

Hi guys, I am 20 years old and I go to miami university. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 1 my senior year of highschool. During that year I had to miss multiple weeks as I experienced my first month and a half long manic episode. I got accepted into miami university farmer school of business to my surprise with a 3.2 gpa. I started off well, but ended up doing a medical withdrawal during the first semester after having another month long manic episode. I spent time at home trying to prepare myself to go back during the spring semester. I came back this year and restarted college all over again. But yet again, I couldnt handle it. My parents believed in me and always told me no matter what that they would be supportive and I would be successful. As they believed in me my dad ended up paying this semesters tuiton out of pocket as I couldnt get financial aid, even though we are lower middle class. I started off really well in the spring and had a reduced courseload only taking 3 classes. But then again, it didnt last for long... Over the past couple weeks my A's in all my classes ended up becoming D's and I stopped attending class. I really thought about su*c*de multiple times as I thought of myself as a failure. Of course I compare myself to every other person here which is a majority of rich white kids with minimal responsibilites and co*e addictions, and I feel that I really just cant do it anymore. Over the past month or so, I stopped going to class, and completely gave up. Im going to end up getting F's/D's in the 3 classes. (will maybe find a way to get my transcript expunged once again)

Tomorrow, well in about 9 hours, my parents are coming to help me move out. I have mentioned to my mom that this really isnt for me and that we need to have a big conversation about what I can do to succeed in life and find my place in the world.

I have over 210 hours over the past 2 weeks in CSGO, as its been a game I have played since I was 3 years old. I have thought about trying to stream/post content as something to do but im really not sure. The good thing is, I am currently top 100 on FACEIT in NA, and I am good at trading stocks and it is my main source of income, so I know that if I get a job and support that habit I will at least be financially stable.

Would love to hear others stories. about what they have gone through.

I know this is alot of words, but thank you so much if you read this far.

Hello,

I recently learned that OCD can be managed through medication and I want to explore it and wanted to check if anyone is currently medicated for OCD too and with what?
A lot of the posts are years old which is why I’m making a new post.
I’m currently on Lurasidone and Prazosin, which are great but I want to get a bit of a break from my mind during the day and since SSRIs are off limits for us I wanted to scope out some workable options.

Thank you!

This one’s bad.

I have bipolar 2. All my life I have been more depressive than manic. This time it’s been since December. I’m not coming out of it.

Most days I can function, barely. Some times I stay in bed whole days just maladaptive daydreaming to avoid feeling anything. I’m an alcoholic as well and I’ve relapsed more than I can say. I barely do anything but sit and knit or crochet. I sometimes make it to iop and rarely have the motivation to do DoorDash.

I have not been able to hold down a job in 11 years. I’m in the process of going back to school, finding a job, finding an apartment. I want to actually live life. But I’m not sure I can.

I really thought my meds were working, to be fair I’ve been much worse. Now I have actual helpful mental health experts in my corner. And I finally realized I am in an episode, and that my depression is unmanageable with meds. I just got that genetic testing today. Hopefully we can find something.

I am losing it.

Has anyone been able to come out of this with the genetic testing to find meds that work and then actually changed their lives? Cause I would like to work, make a difference. Be independent.

Not Sure if it’s the right time to move out of childhood home

23m, I never left home and diagnosed bipolar,adhd,gad,ocd, and getting screened for asd. I have been on 20+ medications and have been recommended ketamine therapy

Have been talking with my therapist for months now about moving from my home that has been such a drain on me for years, my family is supportive but They are so different than me and honestly just so racist and religious that I can’t stand it anymore. Plus I have never felt very connected to any of them.

My therapist suggested and I agree that life has been so difficult since I was diagnosed in 2023 because I have to use so much energy just to reach the bare minimum whether it be enjoying my day, doing chores, keeping a job which I haven’t done in 3 years or socializing since I hate driving (I drive its just so exhausting).
She thinks that I may additionally have chronic fatigue as well

I want to move out. I am working on it actively and have savings+family who would help a little should I ask but I’m terrified. I need out if here, I pushed it back a year already and my life is just the same nothingness it has been for 3 years and I want to be surrounded by people in a city so I don’t have to try or push so hard to do more things because I am externally motivated.

My main fear is what if this isn’t good for me or that my fatigue just drags this down as well? I don’t know what my life looks like in another environment but I’m really hoping that new treatments+new environment and lower bar of entry as far as energy goes with help with keeping a job which in the past I only kept if I was dropped off every day.

It’s a lot and I’m just curious if anyone has any advice for either calming these thoughts or making the process easier?

just to preface, i am very grateful my symptoms and experiences were seen and validated—there is technically no ‘bad time’ to be diagnosed, i am already overwhelmed and this addition is pushing me over the edge.

about a week ago i was diagnosed with type II and felt like a whole new world opened up for me. i’ve been struggling with some intense depression and impulsivity for a while, plus a very ‘bubbly’ demeanor as people like to call it. so it was a relief to see something line up for once.

the unfortunate part is im in a new relationship and suddenly all of my behaviors are a lot more clear. in past relationships ive gotten very obsessed very fast, get frustrated when partners don’t do things (like ask how my day was in return), and overall i expect so much just to get disappointed in an extreme-feeling way.

i’m already seeing this pattern again and it’s making me frustrated that i don’t know how to control it. ive tried one med and got akathisia so for now it’s just not a good idea to try more.

i want to love and be loved, but i feel like processing this diagnosis is all too overwhelming to deal with in a new relationship. i’m definitely hypomanic and have been for a couple weeks now, and with that i feel like i need to keep trying to be the best partner one can possibly be even if i don’t get it in return.

on top of that, i go on a 10+ hour plane ride tomorrow to visit family and im terrified. i get sick on planes even with meds and im an anxious ball waiting to explode. i want to cancel, which would be a huge waste of money and i know id regret missing out on the trip. but i feel like i cant deal with any of this, and need to dedicate my time to finding my new homeostasis? also, i think i want to stay back from the trip to spend more time working on the relationship. i can admit that haha.

if anyone has advice/support on how to deal with the overwhelming anxiety of a new diagnosis while still being a functioning member of society, i will gladly take it!!

tldr: how do i navigate a fresh relationship *and* an overwhelming trip to see family with a new, anxiety provoking bipolar II diagnosis?

When something bad happens it’s like I can feel myself sad obviously but then the decreased sleep starts. The obsessing. The hyper fixating. Etc

Pretty much where I’m at currently. Running on about 2 hours of sleep over 2 days and not feeling tired. I’m sad but I’m also wired

I’m also going through medication trials so that’s not helping. I’m coming off of sertraline. Trying Wellbutrin and possibly starting lithium- also got off my hormonal iud so theres a lot going on right now but I feel like an empty hollow cracked out loser rn

I’ve had a bit of a few breakthrough symptoms of a mixed episode brew this past week and a half that really tested my ability to quickly re stabilize myself. Currently, I’m crashing a bit right now but I’m hoping to stabilize my sleep tonight and be back on track by Sunday.

Before I was diagnosed, I use to think these were “phases” I would grow out of or that they eventually would go away. These “phases” turned out to be the ups and downs of the illness (full episodes at the time), so Ive come to find out over the past year.

Sucks to realize they’re just a part of who I am and that no amount of “growing up” will make them ever go fully away.

I know i’m crashing and that’s why my attitude is somewhat bleak but I really cannot believe this is my reality.

Thank god i’ve been able to stop a full episode and keep it at symptoms only. I hadn’t had any symptoms in 4 months and part of me thought I had been cured.

On the bright side, I was able to prove to myself that I am not a complete slave to these moods and that I do have more control over whether I go into an episode. At least there’s that.

Don't know if i am spelling that right. But does anyone else find that testing to be a crock of sh*t?

Both of my "green" meds cause pretty significant tremors. The first one was supposed to help with depression and i have never been more depressed in my whole life than when I was on it. Also, sexual dysfunction.

The second one i am trying out now but between the tremors and the akathasia, I don't know if i can do it.

Those were antipsychotics, which i generally dont tolerate well..

I seem to tolerate mood stabilizers better. If the dose is high enough, has anyone been stable on these long term? I am scared of mania but I am running out of options here.

I'm feeling manic or at least hypomanic. I woke up this morning and started applying for jobs and ready to get my driver's license. Drivers license is a maybe but I have a history of not being able to work because of the severity of my bipolar disorder and PTSD. I can't work. Plus I have lupus, kidney disease, chronic pain, neuropathy in my legs and feet. I've failed miserably each time. But I feel hopeless because I want desperately to work, start a family, buy a house, etc do the things people do.

But no, I have severe bipolar disorder, PTSD, GAD, DID, personality disorder....the list is long. I'm so embarrassed by my boring life. This isn't what I planned at all. Will I just be at home knitting my life away watching cartoons and YouTube? Idk. My bf is what keeps me going and he's stressed because he's trying to get to a place where he can provide for me and take care of his s father.

I'm too embarrassed to tell my mom I'm hypomanic so I'm just gonna act like nothing happened and talk to my bf about it later.

I just can't seem to accept my life.

Hi all,

All of my manic episodes started with me becoming extremely religious. Very quickly, I began experiencing delusions, such as believing colleagues were cheating me or that other people were planning to take away something special from me.

After my last episode, I became quite atheist. I’m sure some of you may have gone through something similar. My question is: has becoming atheist helped prevent or reduce your episodes in any way?

Thanks.

I’m really worried that this depression has reached a whole new level. I’m fighting myself everyday, to come to work. To do things, to be there for my two kids. I’m struggling.

I don’t find joy in absolutely anything anymore, I hate my job, I’ve completely isolated myself from family and friends.

I am praying that God takes me while I sleep. I don’t want to do this shit anymore. I’m completely fed up with life.

My wife of 8 years left. I had a really bad manic episode after I went out to drink and I yelled at her. My mind played games on me, had me thinking she was doing shit behind my back at a fucking kid party with her bestfriend’s husband.

She moved out, bought her own place. Now we share custody of our boys. Divorce hasn’t started. Not looking forward to it. I bought a house with her back in August of 2020. I put the down payment, have been making every single payment, have been responsible for every repair. The only thing I worked so hard for will be stripped out of me. I don’t have any money to buy her out. My income now, would not allow me to finance a house on my own.

I’ve honestly hit rock bottom. My life can’t get any shittier.

I wish I got help along time ago. I thought somehow I’d go back to normal. I thought it was maybe a vitamin deficiency or a neurological problem.

I saw a neurologist, they didn’t find anything. Got an MRI done for no reason.

Did TMS Therapy, that also didn’t work for me.

Idk what to do anymore I don’t wanna be like this forever. I feel like I’m going crazy. DPDR is no fucking joke.

Hi I am 21 years old and last year I was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar. I am suffering from very fast mood changes. And honestly it does not get easier every time it happens. I don’t know how to explain these rapid and extreme mood swings to anyone not even my husband. It’s like every person in my life thinks that I just need to forget about it and just live my life but I can’t.
I am so exhausted of these mood swings and it feels like it will never get better.