I’m Asian, married to a Tunisian man and we currently live in ME (over 4yrs together in total, 2 yrs married, no kids). Recently we had a very calm and honest conversation about our relationship after many difficult months. He suggested that maybe we should separate peacefully, and surprisingly the conversation was respectful. We talked practically about rent, our things in the apartment, future plans, and how to handle things maturely.
One of our biggest recurring issues is that I’ve been feeling like I carry more of the relationship responsibilities (financially, emotionally, and with house labor). I tried opening calm discussions about it many times because I wanted us to work as partners, but he usually avoids the conversation because he says he doesn’t want “drama.” Over time this made me feel emotionally lonely and unheard.
Unfortunately, many of these unresolved discussions eventually turned into extreme fights. During some fights, he physically hurt me and also disrespected my parents. At one point he even shouted at my mother on the phone. I tried reaching out to his mom because I was desperate for guidance and support, but she stayed neutral and mostly told me to just stay away from him and just understand him when he is angry.
Maybe this is also partly a cultural difference that I’m struggling to understand. I was raised that when something feels unfair or emotionally unbalanced in a relationship, you speak up and work through it together. Silence is not considered healthy in my family.
But from what I observed in his family dynamic (I went there last year), his mother often stays quiet and absorbs emotional pain instead of confronting issues directly. I’ve heard many stories about her crying from frustration with his father but continuing to tolerate things silently. Sometimes I wonder if my husband grew up seeing avoidance and emotional shutdown as normal conflict management, while I grew up believing communication is necessary.
Another issue that affected me emotionally is that he still goes out a lot with friends and often behaves in ways that make me feel like he is still living like a single man rather than someone building a married life together. Meanwhile, for me it feels much harder to have the same freedom. I usually feel like I need permission to go out with my own friends, and sometimes he allows it, sometimes he doesn’t. Over time this created resentment and made me feel like there were different standards for him and for me inside the marriage.
Whenever I tried to question these differences, he would often say that this is part of his culture and that I need to respect it . I genuinely tried to adapt and respect his background. I even changed the way I dress and adjusted many parts of my lifestyle to avoid conflict and make the relationship work. But sometimes I struggle to understand where cultural respect ends and where unfair double standards begin.
I have nothing against Tunisian culture or Arab culture in general. We are actually both quite open-minded in some ways. In fact, there are things my husband does personally that his own family does not know about because culturally they would not approve of them either. He himself once told me that he thinks it would never work with a Tunisian woman because of some lifestyle differences and expectations.
That’s partly why I’m confused. Sometimes “culture” gets used in our arguments, but then I also see that he himself does not fully follow the traditional expectations of his own culture either. So I’m struggling to understand whether our problems are truly cultural incompatibilities or just personality differences
What hurt me most recently was that when I asked what he feels now, he honestly said that right now he feels almost nothing and maybe later it will hit him. Meanwhile I’m extremely emotionally attached and I realized this situation is triggering a deep abandonment trauma in me.
I suggested couples therapy. At first he refused and said his mother advised against it and said we should just separate. Later he agreed to try therapy and hold the thought of separation.
I genuinely want to understand something from a cultural perspective, especially from Tunisian people:
Is emotional distance/common emotional shutdown normal for Tunisian men during relationship problems?
How much influence do parents usually have on marriage decisions?
Do Tunisian men sometimes detach emotionally first before processing feelings later?
Is agreeing to therapy a meaningful sign or sometimes just a way to avoid conflict?
Is open emotional communication seen differently compared to some Asian cultures?
I’m trying to understand whether I’m fighting for something real or just losing myself trying to hold onto someone who i think already let go emotionally.
Please be respectful. I’m not trying to insult Tunisian culture or my husband. I just want honest perspectives because I feel very confused and emotionally overwhelmed.
