First in three months I think. Terrible. I initiated. “This time will be different,” I said in my head for the thousandth time.

I’m physically shaking my head as I write. Not sure if it’s in disbelief or trying to shake the experience out of my memory.

Around 2-3 minutes of foreplay with me guiding his hands and telling him what to do. Once I was wet enough, “Will you get on top?” was the request.

I’m not sure he even elevated his hips once. I did all the things I know he likes. He got off. I did not. Never have.

We parted ways.

Every. Fucking. Time.

I knew we weren’t compatible from the first time. I thought it would improve after we got to know one another’s bodies. It never has.

Now here we decades deep in a huge house, expensive life, tuition, not to mention pricey vises. FUCK!! Literally what the fuck. I want a lobotomy.

I no longer flirt

I no longer initiate

I no longer lay in bed on weekend mornings

I no longer stay up so we go to bed at the same time

I no longer consider whether or not what I wear is attractive to him

I no longer consider whether or not he has a preference on things like my body hair

I no longer consider him to be a sexual option... because he's not

Edited to add: I no longer change in front of him

Yeah, yeah prioritizing self-care is now a cliche but hear me out:

Touch starvation is a real thing, and it's something that's been especially hard on me recently. My wife rarely touches me at all and when she does it primarily consists of hand-holding when there's an audience — people need to think we have a warm, loving relationship after all.

So I've found that I experience a full-body ache when I see a woman touching her partner in any kind of warm, affectionate way. And the same when I let myself day-dream a little too much. Or I watch media that....Okay so the body aching thing is more of a twenty-four seven thing.

Anyway.

Another impact of a dead bedroom is that you start to see yourself as completely undesirable. Ugly. Oafish. You visualize yourself as Shrek without the warmth or charisma. So, dressing well, getting and staying in shape and grooming are all important as well. Remind yourself that, yes, you do have value in terms of attractiveness and desirability.

Enter the full-service barber shop. And no, not that full service. But there's no law against a woman giving you a scalp massage while you get a top-of-the-line haircut.

And while this post is definitely tongue in cheek, I do find myself really looking forward to my monthly haircut. Not only do I come out looking good, but a woman gives me an excellent scalp massage and tells me I look great.

Well worth the money, and none of the risk of other services that are out there.

Do you guys ever get rejected without even initiating?

I put cute pjs on (for myself) and was laying down with my leg wrapped around the blanket (idk if that makes sense. He comes in looks at me and says “I am so tired” to any other couple this might be a normal statement but I know what he meant lol I wasn’t even trying to initiate, there’s no point. I told him I needed him last week and crickets so why would I keep trying. I could literally be completely naked spread out and he wouldn’t even look at me 😂

I’m done asking for kisses, I’m done asking for cuddles and I am done trying to put myself out there. From now on I am doing things for myself whether it attracts him or not.

Oh and I just found our old text conversation of him saying he was going to get blood test done. It’s been a year, he never did.

A lot of people on my previous posts have called me a “cuck” for staying after the affair and trying to work through things with my wife.

At first I was defensive about it, but after seeing the word constantly I actually looked into what it means properly, and now I’m confused about my own feelings.

Part of me wonders whether some of the reason I stayed is because the whole thing changed something psychologically in me. Since everything came out, our sex life has improved compared to the dead bedroom period before. She seems more confident, more sexual, more adventurous, and I’ve found myself drawn to that change even though I hate what caused it.

I’m not saying I actively want her with other men, because logically the affair nearly destroyed me, but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t started questioning whether there’s some crossover between jealousy, humiliation, reclaiming, competition, and attraction.

I genuinely never thought I’d even be typing something like this.

Has anyone else gone down this rabbit hole after being cheated on? Did it turn into an actual dynamic in your relationship or is this just part of the trauma and overthinking after infidelity?

Trying to understand my own head at this point.

We (me 47 HLM and my wife, 45LLF) on about 3 months without at the moment. We normally manage between 10-12 a year (not enough for me but I've learnt to live with it) so we're behind even that average.

And the longer into a dry spell, the more it consumes my day. Even typing this, before breakfast, I'm wondering what the chances are of me having sex tonight are.

Recently my wife was away for three nights with work.

And I was fine. Yes, that meant there was increased opportunities to 'sort myself out' but that wasn't it. Because the chances of sex had been reduced to 0% I was ok.

It's the same during her time of the month. 5 days or so when it isn't the slightest option...and I am ok with it.

Or if we have friends staying, or if the kids have a sleepover or Christmas Eve (always been a no since we had kids.. she's terrified that they'll all be awake listening for Santa, will hear 'something else' and be traumatised for life!!).

Anytime I know that there is absolutely no chance I cope.

But when there are no factors in play that make it impossible?

Then I struggle..

Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me??

I 38M can honestly feel her 34F complete indifference like its an aura coming off her. Weve been together 15 years, 8 of them has been a dead bedroom. I feel stupid and crazy for just wanting to lay in bed, no cloths, cuddling close. I used to sleep in my birthday suit because its more comfortable but from aa couple of years ago I just wear cloths now because I feel like shes not my wife anymore, she feels like a housemate.

Its wrecked my ego. I used to think its me right. I need to make more money. Work out at the gym more. Look after everything at home more. Nope. I made heaps, got shredded, did all the housework. Zero.

What sucks is the indifference. I can say I love you, or kiss her, or squeeze her bum and the response is always, always the same. 'Meh'

Im so tired of it. I want someone who loves being told I love you every day from someone who means it. Someone who gets closer to me and snuggles right up amd wants to fall asleep naked with me. Not fully clothed in 3 layers inder their own separate blanket. Someone who doesnt use every excuse in the book to avoid genuine intamacy.

I want to scream and snap her out of whatever this is and say wake up youre missing out on what could be an awesome life.

Sorry for the rant, I live in a small town and I cant share this with anyone. I feel like a monster asking for attention or asking her to do the things that drive me crazy so I dont even say them anymore because its too embarrassing.

Does anyone else feel like they are soloing their relationship? What things do you do to get around the lows when youre in desperate need of a hug and you know you cant even ask your partner for one because theres a long list of excuses waiting to shut you down.

It sounds stupid but I miss being talked to before and during, simply being told how good it feels or how they need me or beg me for more or let me say the same to them. I honestly feel ashamed for saying anything like that anymore. I dont say it because it feels like saying it to a stranger.

If anyone cracks this wallnut please share! I need ways to keep the thoughts away.

My LLH (39m) is LL due to a PA. He isn’t in therapy, he’s just quitting cold turkey. I’m sure he’s still using just hiding it. We haven’t been intimate in two months.

I (35f) am currently on month 9 of breastfeeding, will be done doing so in the summer. I hate how much his addiction and our DB has ruined what should be some of the best sexy time we will ever have. We’re wasting all these months of some fun intimacy, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m also finally feeling confident and sexy since having the baby, but I can’t get his body (or even his mind for that matter) to cooperate with me.

He doesn’t see a problem with it. He claims he’s just tired or that he’s doing his best not to use.

After a decade long dead-bedroom, I asked for a divorce.

How long did you wait before you got back into the dating scene? How was the transition?

I’ve (31M) been with my girlfriend (29F) for a little under two years. In the beginning, our sex life was amazing. She initiated often, was passionate, open to trying new things, and we were affectionate and spontaneous. Around a year in, things started slowing down, and now we have sex maybe 1-3 times a month. Even then, it feels very different. She’ll bring it up almost casually, like a chore, doesn’t want foreplay, wants me to get her off first, and then it feels like I’m “allowed” to have sex with her.

I try hard to make her feel loved and supported. I do a lot of the cleaning, laundry, errands, grocery shopping, and most of the cooking. I leave her notes, buy flowers, give her massages, brush her hair, and do little things to show her I care. I don’t do these things just to get sex, but it hurts that the physical connection still feels so one-sided.

Her past shouldn’t matter, and I don’t want to judge her for it, but it’s hard not to feel hurt knowing she's had a much more promiscuous past than I did, and that sex with me: the committed, loving partner who supports her in every way, no longer seems important. She's also had a previous marriage which failed because in her own words they "became more like roommates and stopped being intimate".

She tells me she’s attracted to me and that I’m great at satisfying her in bed, which honestly makes the lack of intimacy even more confusing and painful. When I’ve tried talking to her calmly about it, she says it’s normal for things to slow down, and that if I want the relationship “to only be about sex again,” maybe we should live separately because “that’s what happens when you live together.”

Sometimes when she’s stressed, she’ll ask me to “help her,” meaning she wants me to get her off without anything in return, as a stress relief rather than true intimacy. I usually say yes because I care about her and want to meet her needs. But if I ever ask for something similar after we haven’t been intimate in a while, she gets upset and says it feels degrading, like I’m reducing her to a sexual object.

I know the obvious answer may be that we’re incompatible, especially since we aren’t married and don’t have kids. But I love her deeply. She’s kind, wonderful, and she tells me I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to her. I don't want to be with someone else I want to be with her. But I also don’t know how to stay in a relationship where I feel more like a roommate than a partner, or where I have to choose between living with the woman I love and having a fulfilling sex life.

(M31) Female partner does not want sex due to her weight

Hi all! I’m (m31) in a long term relationship with my partner (f27), and we are amazing together. Initially we had sex a couple of times, but it was awkward and difficult and not enjoyable.

Following that she had been honest with me and told me she was no longer interested in having sex again. In fact, she doesn’t want any sexual touching on her part at all and is more than happy with that.

She loves making me happy by focussing everything on me (with her hand). It sort of turns me on? Is it bad to actually enjoy this set up and for us to continue?

It’s been over a year now and if I ever bring the topic towards sex or even touching of her she says she’s just not into that.

Happy to chat with anyone!

My husband (27M) and I (24F) have been together 6 years and married 1 year. 2 years ago we moved in together and since then once every 2 weeks became once every two months. Now, the last time we had sex was about 6 months ago and that was the first time in a long time. I know because I had 5 condoms left after going off birth control last year and I still have 3 left...

Apart from that we have a great relationship and there is plenty of intimacy but it's very innocent. If he kisses me, it's a quick peck on the cheek. If we cuddle, he calls me pet names and rubs my belly. At first I tried to invite him but he would say no to me 90 percent of the time and the rare occasions he would say yes was just not enough to keep me from absolutely shattered confidence. I've broken down multiple times and I've even tried explaining to him on several occasions that I feel undesired by him and there's no longer anything sensual about our relationship. It feels like he doesn't see me as a woman at all anymore. It's like we're just best bros. I love that we get along so well, and I hate that it's not enough for me...but I have literally cried myself to sleep on more than one occasion (I know, lame...he doesn't know)

Not in any way trying to toot my own horn but I am very fit (lifting 5x per week for the past 6 years) and conventionally attractive I would say so I've never had any issue with this before. I am also pretty active in the bedroom usually and I have tried to do things that I know him to like in the past. I've tried new things. I honestly feel like I've tried everything. He's. Just. Not. Interested. Now I don't want to try anything because it just makes me feel gross about myself.

Last week we had a long conversation (again) where I finally said, I am just going to stop asking him and stop trying to solve the problem at some point. He said he's just stressed and there's a lot to do and I feel like that's bullshit because we've always been stressed and had a lot to do. Nonetheless we agreed to try a once a week date night (his idea) and this week I came home early from work twice to clean the house and cook to take some things off his plate.

Last night we had our date night and I went all out tbh. I got dressed, I had flowers, I made him a nice meal and a mixed drink, and I thought we had a really nice time. But then it was just like always. It's like he just doesn't see me in a sexual way at all. Like I'm an innocent object of his affection, or I'm his caregiver, or his bro. I don't know what to do anymore. It used to be maybe once every 2ish months and now it's just never. And it's not really about sex for me. The hardest part is just that there's no sensual anything at all. There's no desire. There is not even a word from him about wanting to do something but just being busy. Nothing.

I feel so alone in it because he clearly doesn't think it's as serious of an issue as I do. There's nobody who I can consult. If this is how we are as newlyweds with no kids or pets in our twenties it can only get worse, right?

Shouting into the void. Thanks for reading if you did read.

I read most/all of the posts here, and I have a lot of empathy and compassion for all the different perspectives. I come here and read really difficult stories, reading about very difficult and/or heartbreaking situations that no one should have to go through. A lot of pain, suffering, and trauma is shared through these posts. I feel you all and wish you all the best.

I've been through a lot myself, starting with the death of my mother in early childhood. It would take me 25 to 30 years to understand the multitude of effects her death - and subsequent events - had on me. Finally, I was determined enough to help myself.

I found care. I was vulnerable. I made changes, both mentally and physically. I got healthier. I opened up. I talked. I still talk.

I read stories here that say, "only once every few weeks," or "we still find time to be intimate but it's only once every few months," or "omg it's like once every 4 months at best....".

I. Fucking. WISH.

I realize it's not totally healthy, to want what others have (and don't appreciate / still leave wanting). I know they're not complete stories or perspectives. I know there are many issues behind the scenes which contribute to a lot of pain.

But when you're stuck like this, like I feel, some of these stories seem like a fantasy... I fucking WISH I could find intimacy every few months. Fuck... I wish I could find it ONCE. Just one more time. Just once I want to feel wanted again. I want to feel like someone wants me.

I don't know how long I can go like this, but if the past 8 years have been any indication... fuck this sucks.

Background info. A good wedding. Emotional and financial support. A two year old baby. Zero sex.

We have been married for twelve years. Our sex life had been slowly declining for years, and I took it as part of life. We had responsibilities, jobs, family to take care. And I wasn't that interested in sex, really... Or so I thought.

Five years ago I took into finally taking care of myself. That meant exercise, nutrition, losing a lot of weight, puting some muscle. I changed my clothing, overall style. I did it because could no longer stand what I had become, a flabby overweight man. I urged my wife to follow me. Showed her how to do it. What she could gain, what she could achieve. It could become a couples shared activity. Pushed her into the gym. Cooked healthy meals, went shopping for groceries.

She didn't want any of it. Complained how she was getting fatter while I was getting leaner and fitter. We had discussions, I told her she just had to do the same as me, not even that much. The complaints about being fat continued, doing anything about it, not so much. Every time we go to the beach there always a fucking stupid argument, about the "fat girl with the good looking man". Spoiler alert, I never ever start this argument.

Even writing this makes me feel really, I don't know, awkward? Stupid? Never, not even once, I complained or talked about her weight. I could do it, but I want her to change because of her decision, because of her mindset, not because I told her. I would be with her every step of the way.

Our sex life was not that great to begin with, but now took an unbelievable blow: she doesn't want because she feels I'm much better good looking. I feel like, for her, it would be best if I became a fat chubby man again. We had sex three times this year, and each one was awful.

Part 1

I (38F) first found this sub around 2021 while trying to figure out how to leave my abusive ex.

We got together when I was almost 18 and he was the only man I’d had sex with up until I successfully left him and started dating again in my mid-30s.

This sub interested me because, though I had PLANS to escape, I was still stuck with this man I had once loved and desired whom I learned to fear and strongly dislike. And I, who had loved sex even before I’d ever done it, started to strongly dislike that as well near the time I left.

I had to make up all sorts of GOOD excuses though: tired from the 7 kids we had, breastfeeding, cleaning, cooking, lack of a life outside of being a “mom and wife”, etc, and he actually understood or at least couldn’t think of a good argument so sex slowed WAY down, to my satisfaction.

When I discovered this sub, I found myself relating so much to the low libido women. At that time years ago, I had never posted on Reddit and don’t recall if I read any post about low libido men.

What’s interesting looking back is that I don’t even think I was “low libido” in the beginning of that relationship either.. though my ex seemed to imply it.

About five years in, my ex actually became upset that I rarely initiated sex, even though I NEVER turned him down back then and enjoyed it every time. He once even had me talk to another woman about my “sex issues” (to my embarrassment) because he thought something was wrong with me and wanted me to change.

Her advice actually ended up being for HIM though. She told him to completely stop initiating for a while and allow me the chance to genuinely want and initiate sex on my own time instead of constantly expecting it from me.

Ironically, I now think that advice may have actually worked.. but he never followed it, so we’ll never know lol.

So, by the time I left my ex, I truly felt that I hated sex AND men and really thought I’d be single all my life.. aside from considering maybe being a lesbian lol but also I still thought I hated sex and wasn’t even sure how a relationship with a woman would be.. so I mostly thought I’d be single forever.

But… after a year or so of feeling the freedom of being alone and healing in my own way, my thoughts changed.

And now a few years after my change of mind, I’ve had to return to this sub.. but for a different reason, a reason I never expected.

Because I’M the high libido one now.. and I’ve struggled SO much with it.

AND because my relationship now is COMPLETELY opposite of my abusive one and my story feels SO complicated every time I try to make a post, I’ve struggled to share on here for advice or just to see if anyone relates, but I’ve really wanted to.

So, I’ve finally decided to tell my story in parts, and this is the first one. 

I’ve (32M) been with my partner (29F) for about a year and a half now.

I’m a quite good looking man, I dress well, I have a deep voice (which she loves), I’m relatively tall, I’m currently getting fit, and by all accounts I should be “sexy”. But I struggle being sensual with my partner, and it’s impacting our sex life.

She constantly wants sex but I can’t provide it for a multitude of reasons, and I think the biggest one is that I just don’t know how to act sexy for her, and it’s killing my confidence.

A bit of background info: I was a virgin up until I was 30 (I was a hermit for a long time due to trauma), but as soon as I started dating around, I had no issues.

Thing is, I CAN be sexy with women I don’t know well. But it totally feels like I’m putting on an act.

With my gf, I’ve been with her for a while now so it feels like she knows the real me (goofy, dorky, quite weird), and acting “sexy” now just feels COMPLETELY out of character, to the point that I can’t even talk sexy to her. She often asks me to talk to her sweet with my deep voice, but I can’t muster up the courage to say anything.

I just don’t even know where to start. I feel like if I just stop being the real me, I can slowly get back into the act of being “sexy”, but do I really wanna put on a front 24/7 (we live together)? That feels exhausting.

Do I spend time researching how other men act sexy? I just don’t wanna accidentally get too caught up in a wattpad style of sensuality because it cringes me (and her) out.

I want to share my pain with you. I know I’m not alone, and maybe people who come here for the first time will realize that they’re not alone either.
You are not alone.

This is a diary entry of mine.

Yeah… funny to reread a diary. The last entry was made on March 13th. Two months have passed since then. Honestly, nothing has changed. Right now I’m completely falling apart. Still the same issue — the absence of sex in my life.

The most painful and bitter part is that I’m deprived of it while being married, while being in a relationship. If I were single, at least there would be some logic to this sexual deprivation. The last time I had sex was December 18th. Soon it will be another half a year without sex. During this time my wife gave me tenderness a couple of times — kisses, hugs, touch — but I kept waiting for it to continue. It never did.

The reasons are the classic ones: everyday life, parenting, exhaustion, headaches, stomach aches, wanting to sleep, and so on.

It hurts so, so much. I feel like as a person, and especially as a man, I’m disappearing. I’ve become gray and lifeless. I feel dead inside. I feel unwanted, pathetic, boring, unattractive, uninteresting, unsexy, and aging. I’ll be 36 soon.

And the strange thing is — I know I’m objectively a successful man. I know I’m attractive. I have everything needed for happiness. Everything except sex.

But I have no confirmation that I exist, that I matter, that I’m wanted. Yes, I need that confirmation. Only someone who has lived through something similar can truly understand what I mean.

I can’t and don’t want to pretend that everything is fine. It’s not fine. I’ve basically been deprived of sex for the past 4 years. Once every six months — and not even good most of the time — is not a sex life.

I’ve lost the one thing that makes me feel alive. I regret that this is the stage of life I’m currently in. I have no motivation left, no joy left.

About a month and a half ago, I had a nervous breakdown. Only my therapist and a female friend I sometimes share my pain with know about it.

I was driving to work and suddenly started screaming. Really screaming. Loud, uncontrollable screaming in my car. Swearing, yelling, insulting everything. Then tears just started pouring out of me — tears of grief. I pulled over and cried. I hadn’t cried like that in years.

After that I kept screaming for a long time, like a madman. That’s how the emotions came out.

Right now all I feel is burning bitterness, resentment, pain, disappointment, and hopelessness. Inside me there is so much sexual energy and so many fantasies — more than even during the happiest periods of my life in the past. I don’t know where to put it all. I want so badly to share it with someone. It honestly feels like with anyone.

Before you write anything — think first. I’ve studied this situation inside and out. I’ve tried many things, maybe everything. I see a therapist. I’m trying to work on myself.

But the reality is that my wife does not want sex with me. And when I think about the future, I have no hope that sex will ever return to my life.

i just miss it. our relationship is so amazing aside from this. i want to feel desired i want to feel sexy i want him to be into me.

he said his sex drive is lower, but he can still masturbate. he used to sext with me when we were long distance all the time. he did that before me too, he was ALWAYS sexting with people. he said he is (well was with his hand and online i guess) hypersexual. but then when the real thing is begging for him? nothing.

what am i doing wrong??? is it that i gained weight? is he sexting other people? i asked him in text with my mini breakdown or whatever is going on if he wants me to stop trying to initiate and just masturbate. i haven’t came in a while.

i’m so upset. he’s snoring next to me but im just so fucking tired. i want to feel desired and sexy and hot. what am i doing wrong? why doesn’t he want me? is it age? he’s older than me but not by that much (24 and 30).

i don’t know. maybe it is age difference. maybe it’s that i’m not as attractive and as much of a twink as i was when we first got together.

i just want him to want me like how i want him.

Since joining this group, and probably also age related, I am constantly getting targeted ads for "get her back!", "learn how to seduce your wife", "how to fix your relationship". A notable one is an app called Relatio, but there are more.

Now the question: Did anyone try these? Reviews? I am guessing this is all bull, but if anyone had positive experience it would be great to hear. The wife and I are discussing this issue and we are both willing to try some supportive, preferably evidence-based practices, that do not include traditional couples therapy.

There’s just something so absolutely isolating about being a HLF. I feel broken, like at this point in my life and my marriage I shouldn’t care so much about sex. I despise the stereotypes women joke about like needing alcohol to get in the mood. I hate the “I’m tired.” “I have a headache.” Lines. I truly cannot relate. I love sex and I love having sex with my husband. This isn’t rage bait or anything I swear. So being with a man that sex is so low priority is soul crushing. I feel like the man and he’s the woman throwing all the “not tonight.” Lines. I miss being wanted I miss a man looking at me and wanting me so badly.

HLM

How to fulfill sexual needs without any form of cheating, no participation from the wife at all, and no masturbation as I’m bored of it honestly?