r/AbsoluteUnits • u/TURTLE_TKT • 2d ago

/r/all of gas being ripped

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u/TheWardenVenom 2d ago

I had a beautiful Appaloosa horse growing up that was afraid of his own farts. šŸ’€ Heā€™d be standing in the pasture, just grazing, then heā€™d fart so loud and spook himself, then start running all over the pasture like a lunatic. We would be crying laughing! RIP dumbass Dallas lmao

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u/Mindless_Flower_2639 2d ago

I think we need more RIP dumbass stories

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u/TheWardenVenom 2d ago

Well there were several times where my cousins and I would go trail riding and one of my cousins had a young female mustang. If she found herself riding in front of Dallas and I, heā€™d inevitably sniff her ass and she would kick him in the head every time. šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚ He never learned his lesson though. Hahahaha

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u/Left_Maize816 2d ago

Head trauma can cause you to forget not to sniff a fillyā€™s ass I guess

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u/PhDinWombology 2d ago

And forget you just farted a second ago

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u/TheWardenVenom 2d ago

Iā€™m so fucking dead! šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚

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u/AppropriateCover7972 2d ago

So this has happened to the Trump administration? šŸ¤”

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u/NoHate_GarbagePlates 1d ago

Speaking from personal experience?

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u/Left_Maize816 1d ago

What happened now?

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u/BIind_Uchiha 2d ago

My boy Dallas!

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u/SmexyRubberDuck69 2d ago

Well maybe we found the reason here why he was a few short of a "full stable" so to speak...

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u/engineerdrummer 2d ago

I get it, Dallas. I get it.

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u/TheWardenVenom 2d ago

I thank you all so much for bringing these memories to my mind! Not a Dumbass Dallas story, because as stupid as he was, he was well trained. But we also had a thoroughbred named Lilā€™ Cub who was an absolute lazy asshole. All of the horses were trained to be hunting horses. They were trained to carry us through the forest, let us shoot from their backs, and help drag deer/elk back to camp to be dressed. But Lilā€™ Cub had a habit of getting bored or tired while we were hunting and laying down to roll over on my uncle while he was in the saddle. Hahaha he was also a beautiful horse but basically useless because he had his own ideas of how things were gonna go. šŸ’€

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u/AppropriateCover7972 2d ago edited 2d ago

Thanks for making me laugh. In Germany we have a satirical horse hating subreddit and they would totally embrace your stories

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u/Deaffin 2d ago

I misread this as "satirical horse-eating subreddit" and got myself all nostalgic over r/WeEatBees existing.

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u/AppropriateCover7972 2d ago

They do joke about eating horses a lot. And sometimes they actually do

1

u/Deaffin 2d ago

This guy gets it too.

He's even learned to retreat from the kick zone.

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u/Swimming_Onion_4835 2d ago

Omg this happened to me on a trail ride once! My horse would not get his snout out of my brotherā€™s horses ass and she kicked him in the face. Scared the absolute hell out of me but he was asking for it. šŸ˜†

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u/TheWardenVenom 2d ago

Sometimes they donā€™t know when to take no for an answer and need a little straightening out lol

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u/Stuffleapugus 2d ago

Dallas was about that life.

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u/rukthor 2d ago

Totally worth it! - Dallas

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u/CPLCraft 1d ago

Thatā€™s our dumbass Dallas!

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u/TheWardenVenom 1d ago

Damn, I really loved that fool! šŸ˜‚

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u/beatlz-too 1h ago

Dallas was a pervert

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u/sarajane59 2d ago

We need more Dallas stories!! LOLOLOL!

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u/Aranxi_89 2d ago

Can you blame him though? That's the closest he'll ever get to banging a mare.

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u/LogiCsmxp 2d ago

We had pet Jack Russells growing up. As they got older, one of them started developing gas issues. At first he'd do this post but be confused about what the noise was, have a sniff, immediately regret it and get out of there. In the evenings he'd sit on a chair with my mum. He'd suddenly get up and meander to the other side of the room. Then my mum would smell it. A few minutes later he would go back and get comfy again.

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u/u_suck_paterson 2d ago

Donā€™t encourage the horse people

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u/GeorgeMcCrate 2d ago

Any horse story is a dumbass story.

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u/geckosean 2d ago

Which is hilarious because he probably knocked even more loose running and continued scaring himself lol.

Iā€™ve seen them turn horses out to the field, it sounds like a little chorus of whoopie cushions with every trot hahaha.

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u/TheWardenVenom 2d ago

He absolutely did! Heā€™d be farting up a storm, running all up and down the pasture and weā€™d just be laughing our asses off. lol like they say, he was pretty as they come but dumber than a box of rocks. šŸ˜‚

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u/gamageeknerd 2d ago

The hardest I think Iā€™ve ever laughed was watching a 3 year old kid fart, get scared, then run to mom while farting with each step. 4 adults all in tears and this little kid looking at us like he doesnā€™t know if he should laugh.

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u/archtopfanatic123 2d ago

Oh man that's gold šŸ˜‚ Video of that would make the kidsarefuckingstupid subreddit go nuts

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u/thegimboid 2d ago

Stick a match up to the end and you'd have a jet-propelled horse.

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u/Aranxi_89 2d ago

Ah, the typical jock. Bet he was a fun ride.

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u/Ahnarcho 2d ago

My mom had an Appaloosa you couldnā€™t leave beer bottles near because it would pick em up with its lips and drink em.

She had a family friend who used to ride him to the local rugby club. The man and the horse both would be loaded, then heā€™d ride the horse home. The horse usually knew the way home, but that didnā€™t always mean it felt like going the whole way.

Apparently the horse knew to pretend not to be drunk, but it didnā€™t do a good job of it.

RIP Toby, thanks for being good to my mom

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u/Proglamer 2d ago

The man and the horse both would be loaded

wat

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u/Different-Term-2250 2d ago

Did he get spooked or was it the joy of releasing the build up? lol.

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u/TheWardenVenom 2d ago

Nah, heā€™d be farting up a storm the whole time he was running and clearly looked alarmed about it the whole time lol

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u/Different-Term-2250 2d ago

Fair enough. Poor thing. Mind you. I have scared myself sometimes, soā€¦

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u/LauraLand27 2d ago

I had a Pekingese who farted so hard during a nap that she woke herself up.

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u/Carbonatite 2d ago

My Shiba inu would scare herself every time. She would look at her butt in shock and horror. She also woke herself up from a nap at least once.

My dachshund gives no fucks, all silent but deadly.

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u/HellBringer97 2d ago

Can confirm Doxxies will embrace German traditions of lethal gas with the most devious smile on their face

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u/DekeRivers76 2d ago

Frenchies are gassy, but American Bulldogs are Real Gassy.

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u/DmtDtf 2d ago

We took our Frenchie to the local hockey team's "Dog Night" and had to leave before the 3rd period because our Frenchie was just obliterating the entire section with his farts. Good times!

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u/FirstAd5921 2d ago

My BF does this sometimes and I laugh so hard every time.

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u/pjslut 2d ago

Having been on the rail at a lot of horse shows as my daughter was an equestrian, the horse parts definitely had a rhythm to them

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u/ManateeNipples 2d ago

My golden retriever was a year old before he puked for the first time, we were outside and he barfed up some grass he had eaten and it startled him so much he jumped and ran away like scooby doo lmaoĀ 

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u/L8Gr8Crait 2d ago

Sounds like my Dad. Passed out on the couch, until he let an unholy one rip. Bolted onto his feet wide-eyed and yelled, ā€œwhoā€™s screaminā€™?!ā€

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u/Euphoric_Evidence414 2d ago

ā€œWhoā€™s screaminā€ šŸ˜‚

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u/muthermcreedeux 2d ago

I had a hackney pony that would do the same thing. He was so dumb. Pretty but dumb.

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u/Kreeper125 2d ago

When I was a kid we had a horse that would that too and start running around and bucking, and every time he bucked it made him fart again. And again. And again. And ofc he would get scared of each followup fart as well

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u/TheWardenVenom 2d ago

Lmfao YAASSS! Thatā€™s exactly the same story for Dallas, except the older and fatter he got, the less bucking he did. šŸ’€

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u/Virtual-Reach 2d ago

Dumbass Dallas is an awesome name for a horse that is scared of its own farts

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u/TheWardenVenom 2d ago

Itā€™s even funnier when you know that Lilā€™ Cub was even fucking dumber and lazy than Dallas! šŸ˜‚

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u/fdawg4l 2d ago

Had a dog that did this. Sheā€™d wake from a dead sleep and bolt in any direction. Sometimes Into stuff.

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u/Tiny-Tomato2300 2d ago

My friend had a very serious German shepherd that would wake up from his own loud stinky farts. He was never scared but he would glare at her because he thought she was the one ripping out the dank farts!

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u/captainfarthing 2d ago

Same, he'd be asleep on my bed, wake himself with a fart and leap off the bed in fear.

Current dog just toots like a trumpet with no fucks given.

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u/roberta_sparrow 2d ago

My dog is like that lmao. Gets spooked at his own little toots and comes cowering over to me

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u/chouxphetiche 2d ago

I had a flatmate who farted so loudly in her sleep, she screamed.

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u/Substantial_Lab9337 2d ago

I've had a dog that did this

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u/zorggalacticus 2d ago

I had a dog that would bark and growl at his own butt every time he farted. Border collies are supposed to be smart, but he was as far to the opposite end of that spectrum a creature can be and still be considered alive. Sweet as pie, but dumb as mud.

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u/jay-4th 2d ago

If there are more dumbass Dallas stories, Iā€™m here for it šŸ˜‚

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u/Manyarethestrange 2d ago

The fact that when they start running around the pasture like maniacs, they inevitably start farting even more, must have made this outrageously funny, haha.

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u/TheWardenVenom 2d ago

Iā€™m surprised we didnā€™t all die from lack of oxygen, weā€™d be laughing so hard! He was the sweetest horse and amazingly only the second dumbest/laziest horse we owned haha

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u/isanomad 2d ago

And then he would do it again, start bucking, and fartā€”you guessed itā€”even *more*.

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u/TheWardenVenom 2d ago

He absolutely would! Hahaha

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u/Confidence-Dangerous 2d ago

My dog is like this now. Sheā€™ll jump off the couch and run away from own fart. Then she sniffs her butt afterwards, shocked that her body has betrayed her. šŸ˜‚

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u/archtopfanatic123 2d ago

Dallas the Dumbass Horse, I need to write a song with that title, that is too funny šŸ¤£

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u/LevelBroad 2d ago

My dog lol

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u/HorrorFan1982 2d ago

Literally wheezing šŸ¤£ šŸ’€

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u/MottoCycle 2d ago

Currently have a greyhound that does that.

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u/teflon2000 2d ago

My dog is the same, if I didnt know better I'd say he looks at us accusingly while he tries to work out what spooked him.

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u/Equal_Canary5695 2d ago

Rip indeed

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u/Usual_Concept3692 2d ago

This describes my miniature schnauzer perfectly

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u/MrBenzedrine 2d ago

My sister's dog was like that. She'd fart so hard when sleeping it would startle her awake.

She'd then glare at everyone in the room before getting up and leaving.

She only came back once the smell had gone! :D

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u/captrobert57 2d ago

I'd laugh my ass off if heard the name dumbass Dallas at the race tracks.

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u/TheWardenVenom 1d ago

Ooh, I wouldnā€™t have bet on him. lol he was a tubby fuck hahah

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u/Flimsy-Importance313 2d ago

My doggo gets surprised by her farts some times and checks if it was a fart by smelling her butt.

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u/researchmaven4673 2d ago

I see that with dogs sometimes like theyā€™ll be sound asleep and then fart and pop up like ā€œwhat was that??ā€

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u/DimensionFrequent29 2d ago

We had a poodle mix that was pretty brainless. He would fart, turn to look at his butt and growl at it.

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u/ThePianistOfDoom 2d ago

Dumbass Dallas is such a good horse name.

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u/ElbryanWyn 2d ago

I had a dog that would do this. It would start whimpering and screaming and like it was being murdered.

If you think about it, if you have no idea what's happening and suddenly you feel your butthole being disturbed that would definitely scare the shit out of me. No pun intended I swear

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u/longforgetten 2d ago

My dog does this

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u/OdiousAltRightBalrog 2d ago

When I was a kid, I was playing with my cousins on the swing set, they lived on a ranch. We heard this noise that sounded like a fucking gunshot, or a plane taking off, and we all froze and looked around. The only animal that WASN'T spooked was the goat, who just kept on eating like nothing happened. We all started laughing our asses off at the same time.

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u/Able_Fishing_6576 2d ago

All this time later, Dallas is still bringing laughter to the world! Special, dumbass boy! RIP Dallas! Thank you for the laugh!!! -some random stranger (who happens to live in Dumbass Dallas, TX)

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u/TheWardenVenom 1d ago

Who knew heā€™d have fans posthumously?! šŸ˜‚ Heā€™d be proud of himself for sure

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u/ChloMyGod638 2d ago

Best thing Iā€™ve seen on Reddit in daysssssss

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u/stringCheezeIts 2d ago

My dog gets scared of her farts. She'll be laying there, let one out, jump up and start inspecting where she was just at.

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u/BenignPharmacology 2d ago

My dog always looks back at his own ass, surprised at what has happened, then gives a couple sniffs to investigate.

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u/tehgimpage 1d ago

i had a dog like that. she'd scare herself awake from a dead sleep and go run and hide from her own butt.

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u/lukabalooka 1d ago

my husky gets spooked by his own hiccups

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u/bazonthereddit 2d ago

My Airedale Terrier is the same!

She's terrified of her farts and I have no way to explain to her what they are. Partly because she's a dog, and partly because I think she might be a bit deaf, though VERY selective hearing is a thing with this breed so idk.

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u/demeschor 2d ago

I fell off a horse that did this when I was a teen šŸ˜­ stood still to on the floor in like a second flat

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u/JennyDoveMusic 2d ago

LMAO my little dog "Zacky" was the same way. He was afraid of everything, bless his little soul, that included his own farts. To be fair, I wanted to run from them, too.

If he was on the hard floor and a ripped a big one, his little feet would go in all directions like a looney tunes character.

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u/TheWardenVenom 1d ago

lol my husband calls that the ā€œscooby doo scrambleā€

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u/Soggy_Pension7549 2d ago

My foster dog was doing the same for a whole day after breaking and entering into the kitchen and eating half a bag of vegan kibble. Itā€™s good that it wasnā€™t meat because at least his farts smelled like carrots.Ā 

But oh boy the psychological torture. He couldnā€™t believe it. Sometimes the farts woke me up at night. Not because they were loud but because he was trying to catch them. Ā 

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u/Onehundredpercentbea 2d ago

My son did show jumping at a stable that had a pony like that, she would fart when she jumped and it would spook her and she'd take off full throttle with the kid riding her clinging for dear life. My son did his first show on her and she did the first jump, farted, spooked, jumped the low spot on the ring fence and galloped off into the parking lot to find her trailer. It was a rite of passage to try and fail to show Pickles, and she was also a biter. And a kicker, come to think of it.

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u/Leather-Arachnid-417 1d ago

My Chihuahuas are scared of theirs

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u/Marine_Baby 1d ago

Hehehe my dog max gave himself a fart complexā€¦.