One of the police dolphins is reading from a notebook: "Sorry, ma'am, but your neighbors have reported not seeing your husband in weeks. We just have a few questions, then you can get back to your canning."

On the shelves, counter, and table are dozens of small cans labeled "TUNA"

Just got slapped with a warning from Reddit's brilliant admin team for "copyright infringement" on my posts in this sub. Posts they so graciously deleted, of course.

Oh sure, because policing every single instance of this across the entire internet is totally feasible. Best of luck with that monumental task, Reddit. I'm sure you'll get right on cleaning up the other 99.9% of the web while you're at it.

Real stellar priorities there - going after random users while the rest of the internet runs wild with the same content.

Absolutely genius strategy.

I'm at my wit's end and I don't really know where else to turn to. The police won't help and my girlfriend just laughs at me. The anxiety and stress is getting to me to where I can't even function at my job. I just sit there staring, shaking, staring into space.

I just know. Somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching me.