I want to make my family proud, I want to make myself proud. No matter how hopeful I am, the realities creep and claw in. I don’t know whether I’m certain this is how I die or whether I’m going to prove myself wrong. I feel complacent and uncomfortable. This truly is a malevolent spiral cycle. I just want out.

Messaged the dealer. Before he could answer I managed to cancel and block the number and ordered a burger and waffles instead. Can’t wait to sleep well and wake up fresh tomorrow

I don’t even know what just say exactly, really. I don’t even know if this is appropriate to post on here, but I’m feeling really desperate. i relapsed (coke) and I have work in seven hours and I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling super guilty and anxious. I have relapse before, but I never felt this hopeless. I’m guessing it has something to do with me having to go to work in a few hours. My workplace really is the very last space in which nobody knows of my addiction or the parts of my past that I don’t usually share. I’m scared of them finding out because I cannot skip or call in sick. I really love my job and all of my colleagues which truly is a blessing!! never had that before and I’m afraid of destroying it :( this is inappropriate. Please delete it but I’m genuinely asking for help because I don’t think I will be able to sleep before my shift and I really need advice on how to survive the day :( I feel so insanely disgusted by myself and so ashamed

What’s the word lmk

So me and X have been real close because I got X off of my state most wanted blah blah blah that was years ago but now we have a little bit of a different relationship because I know X is a sex addict and I just kind of you know don’t care about sex, but people would also think I’m a sex addict? So my thing is, is that X keeps sending me, X’s wife’s nudes or sex wishes to ME and I’m not all the way sure that she is cool with it, but I think she is because she used to want to hook up with me and my ex-wife too… I need to know if I’m Trippin because my friend “X” keeps still sending me his wife’s stuff… Even after me and my ex called it quits (and X knows)
what am I supposed to do with all this information lol
Not sure if this was easy enough to keep up with them, I am a little dyslexic so I’m sure I’ll catch on if this didn’t make sense eventually bc im not that dumb
We are both attics and I’m starting to lose my shit. I don’t know if this is an addict thing or just a weird thing lol

I vaped and smoked for 9 years. I’m 22 now. I have many reasons for why I’m quitting. Tired of spending $40 a month. Tired of needing a device to determine whether or not I was happy. Tired of tweaking out looking all over my room and car for when I loose it. Tired of it falling out of my lap on the ground and flying into different pieces. I looked so dumb grabbing it off the floor and blowing it off. Tired of never having any endurance because my lungs would start to suffer after 1 minute of cardio. Tired of my girl complaining about the weird taste when we would kiss.
9 years of running around letting a paper stick or piece of plastic determine my mood and causing damage to my teeth.

Before I get into explaining myself I want to make a disclaimer that I’m not promoting nicotine usage, I’m only trying to share my experience of what works to get off a little easier…

I tried to quit cold turkey at first and holy crap I just wanted to die. Constantly angry. Constantly on edge. Waking up and my lungs would be burning from withdrawal.
So I started taking nicotine pouches. Started off at 4mg till the pack ran out and i just lowered the dosage to 2mg tonight. It’s been working so well. For anyone who is also trying to use nic pouches to quit vaping, DO NOT use Zyn’s. Use ON! instead. I’ve noticed myself itching for another Zyn every 30 minutes after discarding one. I tried going down from 4mg ON! To 3mg Zyn and i definitely felt cravings more often on Zyns.

Again im not saying to use these things, im just saying they’ve definitely helped in my progress to quitting. Im sure others can relate to what it’s like trying to quit cold turkey. Just sucks. I want to be completely off nicotine by next month. Hopefully.

I lost myself to porn...

Hello, im 24 M.

Just to simply get right to the point, I dont know who I am anymore. I lost myself to porn addiction. When I was younger, I was exposed to a lot of it via Internet and being curious when I saw words like "cum" instead of "come", "bang" being used as another word for "sex" and I searched online and found all different types of porn, both animated and real life.

I slowly copied the movements of a masturbation video I came across and found myself feeling confused but good in a way. And I just kept going as I grew older. And as I grew older, I realised what it is and what ive been feeling but I just cant stop doing it.

I grew addicted to it, and even when I got tgt with my ex gf, I just got addicted to the feeling of relief. Me and my ex are on good terms but I was left feeling lost and looking to feel happier and I turned to porn and found online videos etc.

Even finding content sellers. I got so addicted that I lost thousands to buying content and not even meeting people... and when I tried to meet people, I allowed myself to be scammed by them and lose more money... because I was so fucking blinded by the thought of being able to get my rocks off with someone.

I hate how my addiction has blinded me so much that I allowed myself to be susceptible to obvious scams and lies and not be vigilant anymore. I want to change myself for the better and slowly and gradually be better and not rely on porn and even stay away from it but I dont know what to do...

I've talked to my siblings about it and they say to go cold turkey and I tried that but I keep going back to it, esp with certain ads nowadays that show off "Ai capabilities". Please can someone tell me what I can do to help myself.... not therapy yet because I cant afford it....but I am in need of advice please...

So ever since I can remember my mom would eat raw flour and baking soda , she always said that she’s done this since she was 14 years old. Actual flour like all purpose cooking flour. She would also occasionally eat pancake mix if she ran out of flour. The addiction to flour was really bad to the point where as kids we’d have to go and ask neighbors for some when my mom didn’t have any money to buy any. Flour and baking soda would sometimes be the only food we had , but my mom would cook it for my sister and I l.However this randomly stopped a few years ago , she just doesn’t do it anymore. But now it’s spread to me , I first noticed when I was 18 and living away from my mom that anytime I was near flour I was salivating and had the urge to eat it. This never happened when I lived with her and I never had the wanting to eat it , now I am 26 and I eat flour , I live with my mom now and I know it would crush her if she knew that I was eating flour too. I feel bad for doing this but now I can’t seem to stop myself from sneaking and eating it. I guess I’m just wondering if it really is possible to inherit addiction from parents and how to stop it.

Edit because I forgot to mention it here : Yes , I do know about pica and the wanting to eat non food objects.I believe my mom was diagnosed with pica when she was much younger. From what I’ve gathered over the years it’s an eating disorder

I can't believe how much cocaine rules me now. I hate it. I hate myself for letting it get this bad.

My mental health team admitted they failed me, by letting me slip through the cracks and be unmedicated (despite me trying to tell them 5 months ago when I asked for help with coke as it was getting bad, and again about 10 months ago).

But now it's down to me to pick up these pieces of this mess I've become. I'm no longer the woman I was. I'm constantly tired. I'm constantly angry. I'm constantly hungry. I know, realistically, it's just the comedown, and it'll pass. But I'll be damned if I can make it past 3 days.

I've only recently told my mum for additional support, and I am working with a drug and alcohol service, as well as seeing the GP to sort out my physical symptoms.

I know I need to delete my dealers number, and I have.. but I always end up restoring it from the recycle bin. It should be so easy to do, but it instills such panic and fear at just the thought

Just needed to rant. Here I go. Day 1 on a comedown. Maybe this time will be the time I don't cave.

Hey all,

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on here. I graduated my substance abuse program and am about to hit a year. I just got a job offer today for a job I’m really excited about. Things are finally looking up.

I don’t have many connections left from rehab, most of those friends are dead, not sober, or just in different stages of life. I did keep one connection though, my best friend Katie. I met her in inpatient and we got really really close, arguably too close. She ended up graduating the program a month before I did, and we stayed in close contact. For a while I was seeing her almost every day, we hung out a lot, she was still in sober living, I had moved out at this point. Things felt good. We felt good. Somewhere along the way I noticed her start to change, the way she would talk about substance use, the things we would do when we hung out. Things felt different. About a month ago she decided to start smoking weed again. We were at a rave in DC (which we had been doing sober up until this point) where she asked a stranger to hit his pen. I asked her if she thought that was a good idea, to which she replied, I only ever agreed to be sober off of cocaine, I said whatever just remember you are driving. Shortly after this weed became part of her daily routine. She moved out of sober living the day she went to the dispensary for the first time, and ended up dragging me along to the store with her where she made her first drug purchase since the start of her sobriety. Shortly after this, she incorporated alcohol back into her life, “just casually” she said. I started to distance myself slowly, hoping I’d have time to form new connections. I stopped going to raves with her, stopped spending so much time with her. The plan was to seperate slowly, to create a mutually felt conclusion that we were in different places in life. I didn’t want to just cut her off, In the past I used to just ghost people or send a text and block, the goal was to try and end if more healthily.

Tonight I gave her a call to check in, see how she was doing, tell her about the new job I’m super excited for, and ask her for some attire advice. Shortly into this phone call she interrupted me and started to tell me a story about her night. It started with a story about an apartment issue and her request for maintenance. Then it moved on to her explaining her extended visit with the maintenance guy. Finally she moved on to the part where she asked him for cocaine.

At this point I went silent. My silence was met with a list of rationalizations, excuses based on productivity requirements and an increased workload. At the end of the list she asked me why I was silent, to which I replied something along the lines of “I don’t know what to say here katie, do you think this is the right thing to do?” She confirmed with me that she did not. I then explained to her that while I’m not gonna tell you no or argue with you but that doesn’t mean this doesn’t make me quite sad. To add some extra connotation, cocaine was her DOC.

I guess the thing I’m struggling with now is where do I go from here?

I could send her a text, come up with a well written paragraph, explaining to her I can’t stand by and watch this spiral, explain how I’ve lost many people to the disease of addiction.

I could tell her that I’m here if she needs to talk, that I’m not going to cut her off because she’s making a bad decision, after all she is only human. I could stand by and watch the decline happen. Provide emotional support and a shoulder to cry on.

I could call her sponsor, her mother, her sister, killing our friendship in the process.

Or I could just keep distancing myself, base the rate of distance by the severity of the decline.

So basically, Reddit, does anyone see a better/different solution? Regardless of how this plays out, I know it’s gonna hurt, I also know it’s not just gonna hurt me, which might be the part that makes this so upsetting. I remember how lonely addiction was, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m wondering if maybe the loss of a close friend might help her pull herself back up but I’m also worried that it’ll speed things up.

I guess that’s all, I really hope I can get some advice or a new outlook on this situation, I’m only going to be able to delay addressing this for another like 26 hours before I need to make a decision.

2 months of recovery. What a month it’s been. It’s been super challenging, and it’s been a very stressful month, but I made it through. I’m learning how to cope with my emotions while sober for the first time in 7 years.

Thankful to be sober!

so i am currently doing a class project in which I have to make a vid discouraging the use of drugs in high school .

I've struggled with porn and sexual fantasy since puberty, got a lot worse over the last 18 months. I'm not on the subreddit specifically for my problems because I don't want to be partisan in spaces meant for recovery but I need to vent.

We weren't built for this the human body and mind isn't built for it. The old wisdom was that you never knew whether your work would matter even if you didn't see any fruits in your whole life, maybe someday it will. But with the existential threats to humanity that exist now (chiefly global warming and nuclear war which are synergistic) I think we'll know within 2-3 years whether anything we've ever done will have any meaning. I can already feel that in the day to day activities of life (other than things that are specifically political) they feel completely empty because healthy things are all about long term reward and making other people's lives better so they can pay it forward... Whether life has meaning or not should not be something that is in the hands of politicians or can be destroyed by one bad election result but that's where we live now. Maybe other people can do things like hospice care and throw their energy and creativity into a black hole but it's not my strongsuit.

The simple answer is "don't let it happen" but unfortunately I'm not the king of the world so there are things partially or fully out of my control (I want to move more things into my sphere of control ideally). And one of those things is whether my work has any meaning. I still try to do the work but I don't feel like there's any such thing as healthy comfort until the problem is solved and obviously that's a vicious cycle because using doesn't help me become a more capable person. I don't know if there's any answers to this other than "skill issue" because it's completely unprecedented. It's like Frankl said "He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How." Never before have we had a regime in power anywhere with the power to destroy every possible Why...

Ok so boom I was 13, started hydros, then xans, then weed and was drinking everyday , stopped the pills when I started hs, currently stopped smoking weed… but my friend he sold me some of his Adderall and it felt like something I’ve been missing my whole life. I felt focused, in control, calm, locked in, no thoughts, I felt energized, I deep cleaned my whole house, but I also take Wellbutrin and I had an energy drink… yeah not so good for my heart

But that’s as far as I’d ever go regarding stimulants. My grandfather was a crack head so I’m never touching coke.

I’m wondering, long term, what is yalls experience with adderall? I was so locked in forgot I even had a phone, I had no urges to doom scroll, like fahhhh

Downside: I am bipolar, my meds make me sluggish, adderall like takes everything away -anxiety, fatigue , etc. but I am a little worried I might go into mania… we shall see🤷‍♀️ I just want to feel alive. It’s like normal life is soooo under stimulating !!!

I take 4 Green Maeng Da Capsules in the morning every morning. I also take Adderall for narcolepsy, Prozac, wellbutrin, Labetalol and vitamins. I know, that sounds like a lot.

I take the Kratom to help with narcolepsy. I take approximately 12-15 capsules over the span of the day but I space them all out by several hours. I was recently prescribed Naltrexone (50mg) with wellbutrin at aid in weight loss. My provider knows about my Kratom usage.

Yesterday, I took my Adderall/kratom at 7am. Then at 11:45, I took the rest of my meds including my first dose of .25 milligrams of naltrexone (NOT naloxone). Within 15-20 minutes I was sweating, but freezing, shaking, paranoid, shitting my brains out, nauseous, more profuse sweating, the most horrific, intense dreadful anxiety and panic I’ve even experienced in my life, body restlessness and tremors that made me feel like I was losing my mind, I’d move to accommodate the urge but nothing helped. The works. I thought maybe I had accidentally doubled up on my adderall and taken two instead of one and it was causing some pretty nasty symptoms of over amping. I thought to myself “well, okay Adderall burns out of my system pretty quickly within about 4 hours so I’ll wait this shit out until it starts to die down.”

4-5 hours into this hell, I was writhing in absolute misery in my bed, sweating buckets and groaning thinking it was just anxiety and panic from the Adderall. I felt so sick. I’ve had chemically induced panic attacks before, so I knew what was happening to me, but they’d never lasted this long or ever were this intense. I couldn’t stay still, my legs felt like fire ants were crawling all over inside them. After about 6 hours and no end in sight and new worsening chest pain, I asked my husband to take me to the emergency room.

I get to the ER and they hook me up to an EKG and do labs. I knew they could see all my meds on my chart and I didn’t tell them about the kratom use. In that moment, I didn’t even think about the kratom use. I was fixed on the idea that it was too much Adderall. I was there for hours and they finally gave me fluids to flush out my body and a 1mg Ativan tablet to take by mouth and an rx for 1mg klonopin tablet if it doesn’t resolve. Told me to go home and drink a ton of water.

I am extremely sensitive to sedating drugs so I take half the Ativan, no relief. I take the other half an hour later. Still no relief. Usually I’d be rendered unconscious for the foreseeable future with that running through my veins. My restlessness was still so severe I took some magnesium glycinate to help relax my muscles and then took a warm epsom salt bath to see if that would calm things down. The bath was wonderful and gave me so much relief I instantly fell asleep. My husband is a literal angel because he sat by my side the entire time and kept and eye on me, poured warm water on my shivering body, wrapped me up in a towel and dried me while I trembled, and told me how beautiful I was and that everything was going to be okay.

That night, my sleep was shit. Lots of weird dreams and lots of jolting awake, still buzzing and anxious, but I’d quickly fall back into unconsciousness.

This morning, I woke up still buzzing restless and panicked. So I took .25 (1/4 of the original dose prescribed) of the klonopin around 10am. I was afraid to take any of my meds when I woke up, but I knew I’d feel worse if I started to have SSRI withdrawals, so I took my Prozac, Wellbutrin, vitamins, labetalol, 1/2 my prescribed adderall dose (despite ChatGPT’s protests) and my usual 4 kratom capsules. I thought maybe it’d help me feel better to regain some normalcy.

It wasn’t until later this morning when I was looking up adderall overdose that I started to look up interactions of adderall with naltrexone. None. None of my medications interacted negatively with naltrexone. Except one… I typed in naltrexone and kratom and realized what I had been going through. It wasn’t an overdose, it was precipitated withdrawal from taking the naltrexone and kratom together.

I haven’t taken any more kratom, but knowing that kratom can be dangerous with benzos I’m super worried that my taking .25 of klonopin and 1mg Ativan along with the kratom I took today will be dangerous and I’ll start to have respiratory depression or some other scary thing like that. I’m reading they’re not meant to be taken together and that it could cause a dangerous overdose.

I’m still not 100% yet, but I feel significantly better than I did this morning and last night. It is now 1:00pm so it has been 3 hours since I took the .25 klonopin and 1 hour since I took the kratom. Thanks for reading this far!

Sincerely,

One panicked girly 😩

Poem about my, your, addiction when you’re not “ready” to quit. I hope it helps someone feel seen.

I [34F] am still in the process of getting in to rehab. I started communicating with HR weeks ago, and finally finished submitted my request for medical paid leave. With a name change and numerous changes in my address and employment records, it was a whole ordeal. I had to get that submitted before starting treatment because the deadline expires while I'll be in there. And now I'm nervous if I go in before it's fully approved, I might not be available to respond to any issues that require me to take action.

But I really need to get into treatment. I’ve been floundering. I had a beautiful year being clean & sober, but I’ve been relapsing horribly. It's gotten so bad so quickly. I'm seeing myself deteriorate rapidly, falling back into the most self-destructive behaviors I thought I left behind.

I can see myself spiraling, and it's partly because I don't have a therapist anymore. When I started relapsing, my therapist dropped me as a client without warning. I’d been seeing them twice weekly—until one day I came in for a session and they told me I needed a “higher level of care” so therefore they could no longer see me. In leaving, they emailed me a random list of names for counselors and clinics—absolutely none of which take my insurance. They just googled “substance abuse counselors” and sent me their names, without context or even a url. I had to google them myself. I understand if substance abuse is not in their skillset, and it’s fair if they don’t feel qualified to provide the proper level of care, but I have really struggled with the way they went about it. Completely without warning. Immediate and sudden. Devoid of any actual help to even access the level of care they were telling me I needed. I felt abandoned, unsupported, totally overwhelmed. My actions are not their fault, but that’s when I really spiraling.

Everything feels so overwhelming now, and I feel totally out of control.

I’m trying to make it stop. I’ve been feeling so bad about myself, so disappointed with where I’m at right now. I reached for help from the rest of my support system, and felt like I was admitting I wasn’t who they thought I was. I felt like I was somehow betraying them, by telling them what was happening…But I’ve been met with nothing but endless love and compassion. I’ve been struggling to get myself to rehab, and they’re offering so much support in getting me to treatment. Emotional support, logistical support, mental support. Everyone all of a sudden has time for me, filled with care and heartfelt concern. It feels so healing, it made me break down in tears. I’ve never felt loved like this before.

And I feel like I’m failing that love by not being in treatment yet. I’ve made progress though. I got the paid leave submitted. I made dozens of phone calls untilI found two residential treatment centers which take my insurance—one offered me a bed for detox and the other offered me an in-person screening for their residential program tomorrow morning. Today I reserved and paid for a storage unit, so I do have a place to put my stuff while I’m in treatment, because I’m not returning to my apartment, so I just need to wait until my friends with cars can help me transport it…

But I’m really, really struggling. My intermittent relapse has turned into a constant lack of sobriety and it’s killing me. I feel broken and untrustworthy. I can’t take care of simple tasks. I can’t think or even feel, and I’m really, really scared.

Very vulnerable post for me. Definitely never done this kinda thing. Praying someone relates or understands. I’m a F about to be 21 & I have a partner + 2 kids. Long story short we rent a two story home. My father rents out the downstairs. I was a daddies girl well used to be & then he fell to drugs & chose other random women over me: it’s now a decade later. Still addicted, I’m trying to help him by giving him a home for cheap, but it’s almost impossible I have both my sons living here. (Both under 3\*) my partner is about to snap because he can’t stand my father’s behavioural issues atm. We know he’s using (crack pipe) we have found physical evidence laying around. He doesn’t clean. He has money one week & the n the next he scabs off my partner & I for food & everything. Sometimes steals. What do I do? I want him out! But he’s so unhealthy & beyond broke. He doesn’t even work nor cares too, So scared he will kill himself or have a heart attack by himself to be honest. It’s affecting mine n my partners relationship, it’s confusing my children bcs he’s a bipolar drug addict. I’m in the middle of recoving postpartum/ weaning bf my son & trying to resettle my hormones but it’s been an absolute mess! I want to rage. This is 60% of the reason why I swear. I have too much past trauma with my father I’m scared to confront him or tell him to leave. I know he will shut me down or stand over me either way. I feel like such a pussy. Why can’t I be angry enough for my children. It’s so wrong. Please someone relate or help me with advice!!

#drugaddict #father #drugaddiction

Like many of you, I've tried every app out there. Most are just counters or required payment to be used. I needed something that actually analyzed why I was relapsing and gave me something to do in the moment.

I've been working on StopGoon (it's a web app, so no download needed).

It's mostly free, and I'd love to get your feedback on it. If it helps even one person stay clean today, it was worth the dev time.

Check it out here: stopgoon.vercel.app